Splendid humiliation

October 12 was the 16th anniversary of Denying Thumper dot com. 🎉

For about half that time (since 2016), I’ve been tracking the duration of my lock-up in an app called ATracker. Based on that data and making some assumptions about the time I’ve spent in a device before that (which was not as often — the amount of unlocked time has dropped dramatically in the second half of the our journey into enforced denial and chastity), I estimate that I’ve been locked up for a total of about 12 years.

Twelve. Years.

And, somehow, I wish it had been for longer. 😳

At this point, after all that time, it is a solid fact that I don’t really feel like I have a penis anymore. I reinforce that perception by making myself hear it out loud every day. Yes, the little bump in the road that happened (oh, look) exactly six months ago today did rattle my perceived penislessness for a bit, but things have happily gotten back to normal.

So, no, I don’t feel like I have a penis. I know the contents of the device I’m in (currently, the BA-31P) is in there and I know it’s shaped like and can function as a penis if it were outside the device, but that’s not the same thing at all. If I had a penis, it would mean I also had erections that I could grab onto and jerk or stick into her and both things could result in it squirting its goo (and that hasn’t happened in 132 days). Those are not things that are available to me, so functionally I am penisless.

And while I would be freaked out if she told me tomorrow to fuck her again, that doesn’t mean I don’t ache with the craving to do it. The act of fucking has kind of bifurcated for me. There’s the glorious sensation of what the erection sliding into her feels like and then there’s the rest of it. The part where I climb on top of her and feel our bodies make that connection and I grind and gyrate my hips and hear and see her respond to being fucked. I have been totally useless at that second part for a long time now. Chastity broke my ability to fuck as well as stole my opportunity. But I still want to do it. The act of it. I like fucking her and since I know how much she likes to be fucked, I feel bad about not being able to do it. Luckily, there are ways.

I’ve used a strap on with her many times, though not as often as I’d like. Of course, she decides what we do, but part of me thinks the reason we don’t use it as much as she used to use me for that is that we don’t have the quite right cock for the harness. She’s the Princess and the Peen. We’ve tried several and all have been left behind. But now there’s a new one vying for attention.

We recently received the Ubberime Splendid dildo. It was ordered in the “medium soft shore 8a” density so it’s not too squishy but not too hard and in the medium size.

I was sitting on the edge of the bed after getting home from the gym showing it to her and she held it in her hand and proclaimed it to be “the perfect size.” That’s basically an inch longer and thicker than me. And as she stood there over me holding this “perfect” shiny blue cock, she started to smack me in the face and head with it. She was using this erection I am hoping beyond hope she’ll allow to replace my locked member in our sex life to slap me repeatedly in the forehead and my left cheek and she was laughing.

It was an unexpected thing for her to do and unexpectedly humiliating for me. But also profoundly hot. So fucking hot. Because what I am is a pathetic cuck.

I don’t know why this turns me on so much. I can’t explain it. At all. There’s no logical way to make it make sense to you. But it’s true that I simultaneously crave fucking her, fear fucking her, and desperately want to fuck her so well with another cock bigger than me that she only wants it in the future and never the real me ever again. 🤷‍♂️

Anyway, Belle took off today for a trip with her girlfriends to Rome and Paris so it’ll be a little bit before we get a chance to christen the Splendid. I’ll be sure to report back when that happens.