Tag: orgasm control

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Secret sauce

Step one...

The other day, I went to my trainer session just as Belle was finishing hers. Our schedule is such that I’m always after her now. I helped scrape her off the floor and was being affectionate and stuff (I sometimes really like how the sweaty, post-workout Belle smells and tastes) and our trainer made some comment about “the secret” to our marriage. I have to tell you, I was seconds away from offhandedly telling him it probably had something to do with me only having one orgasm a year. But I didn’t.

This is a guy who’s juggling a couple of hotties at the same time and milking Tinder for all it’s worth (pun intended). He’s young(ish) and single and fucking all the time so I’m pretty sure the concept of withholding orgasm would make his head combust. And, I guess, rightly so. We backed into orgasm denial and chastity years after we got married, but it seems to me that its a strategy best applied to those in relationships. How would you even do it with random hook-ups? “Oh, that’s OK. I’m good…” Uh, probably not. 

I’m not even sure anymore that limiting and controlling male orgasm outside of chastity should even be considered a kink. I mean, for some people it is (when it’s part of a D/s dynamic or whatever) and clearly this kind of conversation is massively complicated by the tangled up yarn ball that is human sexuality, but even those people in vanilla monogamous (or -ish) male-female relationships would, I think, see benefits from keeping him from orgasming as often as he’d like. I’ve finally stopped reading that Cupid’s Poison Arrow book because I couldn’t take it anymore, but there is a kernel of truth buried in their pile of repetitive anecdote. Hacking brain chemistry by limiting (or even eliminating) orgasm in at least one partner can greatly benefit a marriage (or married-like arrangement). Especially for those people sneaking up on middle-age where refractory periods get longer and longer.

Over on the Twitter, Kitten asked…

https://twitter.com/kitten_68/status/439163450485645313

I said I thought my orgasm was a fair trade for how it benefits our marriage. Even if it meant I’d never have it again. If I could take a pill or pay a genie or something to take away my ability to come (but not my desire to) in exchange for feeling like I do when I’m riding high on the denial magic carpet, I’d do it. In a minute (assuming Belle was OK with it). Kitten suggested that would leave me feeling “bereft” but I think quite the opposite. I’m thrilled we’ve found this and can use it to enhance our relationship.

And I know, a lot of people would read that and think I’m crazy. Orgasm is wired deeply into our brains. We get lots of happy brain treats when we do it. But, as the authors of that dumb Cupid book point out, there’s also a downside to those same treats. On that point, I think they’re entirely right. Post-orgasmic brain chemistry does, over time, seem to work against long-term monogamous relationships. I can’t prove that to any of you. I don’t have a peer-reviewed study to point to (though I’d happily participate in one). All you can do it take my word for it, I guess.

In response to my last post, Mykey suggested my funk wasn’t a result of my last orgasm…

Seems unlikely it’s the orgasm from that long ago to me. I wonder if it’s just a cycle, hormones or emotions. Maybe you are coming down with a cold.

I agree, it does seem unlikely, but I’ve discovered that the actual impact from one orgasm does last for multiple weeks. Most men wouldn’t know because, like I used to, they’re probably having two to half a dozen or so orgasms a week (more if you’re a young man — I can recall jacking off twice a day in my mid- to late-teens). If you’re never outside an orgasm’s overhang, you can’t know the extent of it. If I were in a situation where my orgasms weren’t being controlled, I’d probably have pulled one out specifically to feel the hit of happy brain treats way before getting to the point where I was even a week out from last coming.

On that front, I’m starting to feel that old tyme denial religion. Belle wouldn’t let me out for sex this weekend even though we fooled around twice. Saturday morning was a nice and simple fingering while Sunday was a lovely and lively full-on pussy eating. After coming up for air, I was drenched. I rubbed it all down my chest and just let her pheromones linger on me even as I went to the gym for a run. It was quite the run, though I can’t say for certain the two things were related.

In any event, I desperately wanted to fuck her after I ate her out. To slip into that hot wetness. But it wasn’t happening. Later in the day, I asked if I could be let out due to a small spot of testicular irritation that had been lingering for several days. Sometimes it happens in places where the skin on the scrotum is constantly pulled somewhat tight (especially during erection attempts) and they can never heal. She was very suspicious of my motivations, but I swear I’d never lie to be let out. Twelve hours later, I was right as rain again. That’s all it took.

She let me out Sunday afternoon and I went back in this morning. I could have gone back in last night but she gave me one more day of recovery. I went to the gym unlocked and she was gone when I got back so the the notion of not going back in until tonight was crowding around in my imagination (especially while working on the Portfolio this morning), but I was good and obeyed her wishes and locked myself into the Looker 02. And, even when Tumbling, I didn’t play with anything. Not even in the shower. I was that good. 

Which, I think, means things are getting back to normal. I’ll be leaving Friday morning for SXSW. We haven’t discussed whether or not she’ll want me locked up while gone. Last year, she let me use my own judgement and I eventually went back in on my own because the distraction of having a free penis I couldn’t play with was just too great. I assume this year I won’t have the choice, but we’ll see.

Any of you going to be in Austin this weekend? Let me know. Maybe we could meet up.

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By the numbers

The fourth Denying Thumper reader survey is over. Following are the results. Since I didn’t take my own survey, I’ll place asterisks next to my relevant responses.

Gender

In 2009, 70% of my readers said they were men. In ’10 in was 72% and in ’11 it was 69%. Now, it’s 80%. This number may be the most surprising to me of all because, it seems to me, women are more like 50% of the commenters (maybe more) and seem to be something like two-thirds of those who “like” posts. When I write, I think of myself as talking to a female audience, not a male one. Of course Belle, but in general, when I think of who’s reading my words, I think of a woman. I probably will continue to think that way, but in fact, 4/5 of you are dudes.

Two percent identified as something other than the binary choices usually presented. Maybe next time I should offer more options.

Age

Chastity and denial seems to be a more mature person’s game.

Under 18 0%
18-23 4%
24-35 23%
36-45 26%
46-55* 31%
56-65 12%
66-70 3%
Over 70 1%

This is the first time the 46-55 group came out as the highest represented. We’re definitely skewing towards an older audience over time here at Thumpermedia Worldwide.

Sexuality

Still a pretty straight audience, but moderating from previous surveys.

0 – Exclusively heterosexual 19%
1 – Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual 29%
2 – Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual 20%
3 – Equally heterosexual and homosexual* 13%
4 – Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual 8%
5 – Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual 5%
6 – Exclusively homosexual 7%

It’d be nice if there was a way to study true sexuality based on brain scans or whatever. I suspect this self-reported thing skews towards politics, religious upbringing, social pressure, etc.

Kinkiness

Older, more queer, and now relatively more kinky.

1 – Not kinky 0%
2 1%
3 3%
4 3%
5 8%
6 10%
7 23%
8 28%
9* 14%
10 – Kinkosaurous Rex 10%

Eight was still the most popular response, but more people scored themselves as nines and tens than in the past and we only had a single little one (which rounded down to zero percent). Hello there, poppet. Don’t be afraid!

Power play

I was about call these results “unsurprising” but I don’t know if they’re surprising or not.

Dominant 9%
Submissive* 53%
Switch 25%
Curious 9%
Something else 3%
Not kinky 1%

Not sure why more people identified as “not kinky” here than in the previous question. Also, I put “something else” in there but thought I had it pretty well covered with the choices offered.

Pain play

Interesting to me that in the same way there are more subs than doms and bottoms than tops (not just here but, it seems, everywhere) there are also more masochists than sadists.

A sadist 7%
A masochist 28%
A little of both* 23%
Curious about pain play 20%
Not into pain play 22%

Anal

New question this year! I was honestly shocked at how many people were into anal sex. Or, more precisely, how few said they weren’t into it.

Hell yes!* 56%
Feh, it’s OK 27%
Hell no! 4%
Maybe, I haven’t tried it 13%

What I realize now, though, is that the question is pretty broad. A guy who fantasizes about fucking his woman’s ass could say “Hell yes!” but might never think of taking a strap-on in return. I should have broken this out somehow to suss out bottoms versus tops. Also, I’m really interested to know how many otherwise straight men are getting fucked by their women.

Still, this is probably a sign of the times. Back in my day, anal was far more polarizing.

Chastity

The number of people who say they have been locked up or have locked up someone has gone from 52% positive in ’10 to 57% in ’11 to 75% today. Not sure what to make of that. Is it more popular? Have I become more specialized in my audience? Something else?

Anyway, quite the jump.

Chastity devices used

This was interesting. The CB-6000 comes out on top of most used devices if you combine the standard and short variants at 28%. But, if you break those out, the Mature Metal Jail Bird is the top most used device with 17%. The Queen’s Keep appears to be the second most popular MM device with 3%. The most popular Steelworxx device based on usage is the Steelheart at 6%. Any version of the Looker series comes in second with 5%. I would have thought SW would have scored better overall, but I suppose the German thing and their notoriously finicky customer service work against them. Interesting to see so many still rocking the old CB-2000s and 3000s.

When asked about all devices ever used, the CB-X series scores very high as they’re pretty much everyone’s “training wheels.” With regard to silicone, it seems like a lot of people have tried them, but many fewer use them as their main axe over time.

Use most often Have ever used
CB-2000 4% 7%
CB-3000 5% 12%
CB-5000 0% 1%*
CB-6000 12% 16%*
CB-6000s 16% 14%
The Curve 1% 4%
Holy Trainer 2% 1%
Holy Trainer (short) 2% 1%*
Other plastic device 2% 2%
Any silicone device 2% 6%*
MM Jail Bird 17% 7%*
MM Dungeon 0% 0%
MM Pet Trap 1% 0%
MM Queens Keep 3% 1%
MM Watchful Mistress 1% 0%
SW Looker 01/02/03 5% 2%*
SW Steelheart 6%* 4%*
SW Steelheart 2 1% 1%
SW Crossfire 1% 0%
Other Steelworxx 2% 1%
Any Steelwerks Extreme device 1% 0%
Any Lori’s device 2% 2%
Other steel trapped-ball device 7% 7%
Any full belt 1% 2%
Something else not listed 5% 8%

I would have expected the Holy Trainer to do better because I think it’s such a promising device, but it hasn’t been out that long I guess.

In retrospect, I should have asked how many total devices do you own. That would have been very interesting, I think. Note that I only included responses from those who use or have used a chastity device. Also, there were more than two and a half times more responses in the “have ever used” question than the “most used” question.

Orgasm denial duration

Another new question (and I did get both sides of this one). I only included responses from those who practice orgasm denial. “Denied” is the longest the respondent has gone without orgasm and “denier” is the longest they’ve made someone wait.

Denied Denier
A few days 8% 9%
About a week 5% 25%
About two weeks 15% 14%
About three weeks 8% 2%
About a month 14% 11%
More than a month but less than two 22% 11%
More than two months but less than three 9% 7%
More than three months but less than four 7% 9%
More than four months but less than five 2% 0%
More than five months but less than six 1% 0%
More than six months but less than a year* 5% 9%
More than a year 4% 2%

So two weeks and a month or a little more are the most popular answers from those who are denied but about a week is by far the most popular for those doing the dening. Don’t know what to make of that (or the opposite swing at more than a month). Interesting also that there’s a dip after more than three months but that it comes back at six months and a year.

Again, in retrospect, another thing I should have asked here is how the denial period is determined. Random chance or some other method? Is it always the same? Never the same? Also, is the date or duration disclosed ahead of time? Is that good or bad? A lot more digging could be done here.

Male genital piercings

I’ve always wanted to know how many guys have done this.

Yes, but it’s unrelated to chastity play 3%
Yes, and I/they got it at least partially for chastity play* 9%
No, but I/they have some other kind of male genital piercing 6%
Nope, no piercings down there 82%

Relatively few, it turns out. One respondent pointed out I left off as a choice “not yet but going to.”

Most simultaneous sex partners

Just because I wanted to know…

One 56%
Two* 25%
Three 9%
Four 5%
More than four (!?) 6%

I bet this looks very different based on age and sexuality.

Feedback

I left an open-ended box for people to say whatever they wanted at the end. Much encouragement and good feelings there and I appreciate them all, truly. Here’s some notable comments/questions out of the many that were submitted.

I love your work, it is a very nice read. Recently I have been forwarding a selection of your posts to my beloved key holder, who actually isn’t much of a read. However she enjoys reading you and I notice it is helping her to understand better some of the male psychology behind the chastity experience. And also her own through Belle’s. For instance on her feeling guilty for the denial on which you wrote some excellent blogs. Thank you for that! A Dutch fan (6 months into the journey)

Thanks for putting all the time and effort into writing and maintaining this! It really hit home, and gave me an insight into the practical world of male chastity/orgasm denial. Well, at least your personal experience with it. My fiancee and I are slowly moving towards something resembling what you two have, and I’m happy to say that we’re both loving it! So thank you very much for being an inspiration, answering questions before I knew I had them, and giving me topics to think about and talk with my fiancee about! Keep up the great work!

I show my fiancée the posts describing the accounts of sex. Every one since last December maybe. The way you write is very elegant. We both really love the dynamic you and Belle have, it is what I like most about orgasm denial. I don’t like to consider it chastity play since its not a game for us. The fact that it makes me a much better partner is the real benefit. The “Gay stuff” is a turn on as well. I just haven’t told her that. Keep doing exactly what you are doing on this blog.

Thanks so much for your blog. I learned a hell of a lot through your own accounts and it helped me define and explain to my wife what I wanted. I am from good old Europe but I did an exchange year at the Unversity of Minnesota’s Twin City campus in the 1990s. Therefore, I have a sweetspot for Minnesota and really like your mentions of Minnesota Nice, the cabin etc. Reminds me very much of a great year I had back then. I’ll let you know the next time I am around… 😉 Best wishes to you and your family!

I have followed your blog since I discovered it and have gone back and read from the beginning. Your blog has been a positive influence on our relationship.

What you write seems real instead of the fantasy blogs written by older men living alone in their basements. Accordingly, I consider your blog SFM ( safe for marriage ) and I encourage my wife to read your blog. It makes us feel more “normal” and we have learned a thing or two along the way. Thanks

Thank you for posting some insight on how the submissive male mind works. One of the most useful things I’ve taken from your blog was a post that mentioned something along the lines of “what a male submissive wants most is to know where he stands”. I’m really into the psychological aspect of D/s and denial, and this morsel has not only made things easier, but has opened new doors so to speak. Thanks again 🙂

While embarking on the path of chastity devices for hubby, your site was a great help with a lot of useful information from the perspective of someone actually living this way and it’s been great.

This is my go-to sex/erotica website. As a timidly dominant woman (sadism is hard with a guilt complex!), I get a serious rush out of the descriptions of both the everyday and the sexual power-play between you and Belle. And the love between you two comes through very clearly in all of your writing. I secretly enjoy the “evil dominant, insists-on-capital-pronouns woman” stuff out there, but the blogging here is genuine, sharp, and very well-written! And the relationship stuff is both reassuring and grounds this blog firmly in reality. Sweet, kinky reality. Belle seems lovely, both physically and personally! I wish you all the best.

Thank you Thumper, for sharing so many intimate details. You really helped me accept my husband’s fantasies especially the ones involving men. Seriously, your posts on the subject opened my mind, eyes and heart.

Our chance to say “Thank You!” Integrating chastity into our D/s marriage was a big step and your blog really helps us talk, explore more and not feel so weird.

Just started reading from the beginning a few weeks ago, and I’m somewhere in 2012… Thanks so much for your honest account of chastity and orgasm denial. It has spurred many conversations between my husband and I. We’ve played around with a cb3k on and off for a couple of years, but we’re now deciding which metal device to get for more frequent use. Your insights have been invaluable — especially for a not-naturally-dominant female whose husband has somewhat recently come to identify as submissive.

Your blog gave me the confidence to tell my man I want to lock and own him. We’re investigating it all now!

I love hearing that people share the blog with their partners on either side of the key. I especially like hearing that we come off as “normal” sounding and that’s proven helpful as the the idea of chastity has been shared with an unsuspecting partner. Very cool.

Just wanted to say thank you. I think I’ve been doing the chastity thing longer than you, but you and Belle do it better 😉 Keep up the good work, you kinky fuckers. You guys are an inspiration to those of us who struggle with trying to make the Domme/sub lifestyle work for us. Plus, you are a good writer and you tell your story in a readable, engaging style. I appreciate the fact you try and balance your lifestyle with your lives. Kids, work etc. etc. Thanks for doing what you do.

It’s nice seeing the sort of almost effortless dynamic you two have built. And I am occasionally envious of your toy chest. Heh!

You have been inspirational in our own journey. Glad to find we’re not the only ones who are like this.

Thank you. I’m just getting started and have devoured your information – it’s easily the most “real” and straightforward, most honest and complete. While it scares the crap out of me after reading it all (how in the world am I going to do this??) it’s exciting as hell too.

Been reading you for years now (I’m your one lesbian reader who’s never done any chastity play irl, still here hi!). Thank you for sharing your experiences in such an articulate, vulnerable, and sexy way. I’ve honestly learned more about men, relationships, and people from you than from perhaps any other stranger besides Dan Savage. I don’t always 100% agree with your opinions or understand, where you’re coming from, but your honestly invites me to reflect on my own blind spots in a surprisingly deep way. Plus it totally turns my crank to read about kinky real life sex and relationships. I always want to get inside other people’s heads and worlds and you provide that like no other. Thanks, and keep it up.

Odd to think that we’re an inspiration, but nice to hear!

Belle was popular in the comments…

Belle – you let Thumper out waaaaay too often. He doesn’t need it. Really.

You once wrote that Belle said you have evolved nicely. Obviously so has Belle and we (my wife especially) would love to hear more from her POV / perspective on the evolution of your relationship.

How does Belle feel about sex toys, before, during and after using.

Like to read more from Belle’s perspective. Keep up the good work!

I’d like so read some input from Belle, if possible, especially as she seems to be gaining in confidence through this journey.

Belle, I am impressed by your commitment to your relationship and your willingness to work with Thumper to come to a place that you can both enjoy. I hope that you are as satisfied with the situation as he seems to be.

I’d love to read more from Belle!

Belle, you need to teach more ladies in their 20’s to hold keys!

Thank you for the effort to create and continue the blog. More from Belle’s side about what she’s thinking. What she likes and doesn’t from her perspective. Or the occasional commentary on her motivation, response to your post.

First off, thanks for the wonderful blog. I really enjoy reading about how the chastity dynamic works within your relationship. I also enjoy reading how Belle has grown more confident in her role over time. I would like to ask a question of Belle if I may? Belle, when did you first recognize you were OK denying Thumper (that you did not feel weird/uncomfortable telling him “no”)? Would you feel comfortable telling us about that event?. Thanks 🙂

Belle must be one special woman.

Belle’s fairly comfortable in her behind-the-scenes role and doesn’t want to write, but I’m considering ways to get her perspective on the blog more often.

Extracurricular activities…

Anymore boyfriend talk for belle?

Looking forward to hearing more about the potential male partner(s) for Thumper or Belle.

We talk about Belle’s imaginary boyfriend all the time. And trust me, as soon as there’s something to report on either front, you’ll be hearing about it.

Would you find it arousing to wear your chastity device at a nudist resort?

From what I understand about places like that, they tend to discourage things as innocuous as piercings below the neck let alone chastity devices. While I’d really enjoy going naked (and even in the device), I’m just not sure how many places there are where such things are possible. My dream vacation currently is to go with Belle to somewhere warm and temperate, rent a house, and be naked the whole time. That would be really cool.

What made Thumper begin denying himself?

I never did! I’ve only ever been denied with Belle, never on my own.

How old are you both and how long have you been in to chastity?

Forty-six and since October 12, 2008 (or thereabouts).

This isn’t a criticism because when I am I into it and it is totally hot, but chastity, submission and orgasm [denial] can be a very self absorbed kink. If “FLR” is totally great for women, why don’t many women blog about, and when they do, it is pretty fleeting? I’d like to see more from a woman’s perspective only because I am fascinated about how men and women fit together on this stuff. I feel like it is like getting my wife to play video games. When we are relaxed, she will try it out and have fun with it. But she’ll never be obsessed with it like me.

Complicated question.

When it’s the guy who’s interested in directing their relationship in the direction of FLR, it’s imperative that he let her find her own value in the dynamic. Also, he has to understand that his fantasy version being the guysub in that dynamic will likely be very different than the reality. Using the video game analogy, you need to ask are you interested in playing video games in general with her or Madden specifically? If she doesn’t like Madden for whatever reason, then is it video games she’s rejecting or just that one? She needs to find her genre, so to speak. FPS, puzzle, MMO, multiplayer vs. campaign, racing vs. RPG, etc. If you think about it that way and let her find the game she likes and not view her rejection of specific titles as a failure, you’re doing it right.

Belle had to come to a place where she could fit what became our version of the FLR dynamic into her life and desires. Once we got there, things became really good. I had to let go of my expectations and Thumper-centric vision of how things should be and recognize there was this while other person involved.

WRT to their lack of blogging, I think that’s related to their level of passion on the topic. Blogging about one thing is hard and blogging about it for an extended period even more so if not really into the subject.

The Lancelot is interesting – I have one. Invisible, comfy, easy to clean. You can easily come with it on, but you cannot get erect or big. Order a bit on the shorter side…

I came thisclose to adding the Lancelot to the list. It’s a device in which I’m very interested. Too bad to hear you can come in it, though. That puts a damper on my enthusiasm for it.

Did you ever try wearing the urethral insert in the Steelheart? And if so, could you wear it with the PA ring and the fixing for security? I currently have a Steelheart and I was wondering about whether it’s worth getting the insert, but not if it’s going to be insecure. Also with the insert installed, did the tube stay cleaner? Did it make it harder to get a finger in and clean it out without removing the device?

Nope, never wore the Steelheart with the insert. You would need additional holes at the end of tube to make that work since there’s usually some urine that goes around the insert. It would end up being much less hygienic than either the Looker or the SH. And no, you wouldn’t be able to use a PA ring and the insert at the same time. I can’t imagine that would work.

The use of the word “snatch”. I don’t know why I hate that word so I cringe when I see it used. I know it’s silly, that’s just my two cents.

That’s one of the reasons I like it. It’s a very “nasty” word. Also, I need a few more ways to describe it when writing and I’ve never really liked the word “pussy” very much. It seems silly to me.

Where did the pain and bondage go? I haven’t read about a nut smack or handcuffs in a while.

It just doesn’t happen that often anymore. I’d love to be flogged or caned, to be sure, but I don’t think Belle gets much out of doing it and I haven’t pushed the issue. Regarding cuffs, I have some ideas about that I hope will happen in the near future.

I wonder if there is, as far as you know, a place where we can meet ( on the net that is) people who are into chastity as well? It would be nice to have some ‘online friends’ who are in the same dynamic?

I like this place.

Finally, you may have noticed I didn’t mention the “strangest/hottest/craziest place you’ve ever had sex” question. There were some really great answers in there for that and I’m saving them for another post.

Thanks to everyone who had a chance to participate!

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That little Cupid prick, Part 2

Might as well blog the book as I go along…

I’m now at Chapter 4 which, I’m told, is the start of the “relevant scientific research” part of the book. Also, the entire rest of the book is apparently all about “relevant scientific research.” This makes me happy.

I’ve discovered the best way not to be annoyed by the spiritual wawa stuff is just ignore it. Between every chapter has been a subchapter dedicated entirely to “Wisdom of the ages” where she explores various religious aspects of sex without orgasm. I just skip them entirely. Since one the basic purposes of religion, IMO,  is to explain things that are otherwise unexplainable, these sections aren’t that interesting to me. Again, I’m not saying there is no value in reading what ancient people thought about this stuff, but I don’t care to read it any more than I’d care to read what the Catholic church was teaching in the 14th Century about astronomy.

The other thing I’d really ding her on is her overuse of anecdote. The book is filled with these little stories about people whose lives were all kittywampus but, following their abstinence from orgasm, suddenly found nirvana. She oversells the positive impact of denial. I know it can be a force for good in a relationship, but it’s not magic and it won’t do your dishes for you. For example, this is from her husband and co-author from, I believe, his journal:

I’ve seen big changes in other aspects of my life, too. My finances are sorting themselves out, and my professional life is expanding in directions I’d always wanted it to—but was unable to take it before. The opportunities continue to flow to me effortlessly and work out great. I have a lot more confidence in myself. I’m calm and focused. And I’m now comfortable with being in a partnership instead of seeing myself as a separate entity who happens to be involved with someone at the same time. I’m much more optimistic about relationships.

The part about being in a partnership as opposed to seeing yourself as a separate entity and the development of general optimism about your relationship? Yes. Fucking hell, yes. Of course, no matter what we do, I will always be a separate entity, but my relationship with Belle feels more like a partnership now than ever and I’m happier being in the relationship with her than I ever have been (excepting, perhaps, at its very beginning — which fits into the book’s premise perfectly).

But. Finances sorting themselves out? Professional life expanding? Confidence? All because you’re not coming anymore? As a guy who doesn’t come anymore, I’m not sure how those things are connected. Also, calm and focus is not something I get from denial. There’s a zen to it, but I wouldn’t go so far to say it makes me calm and focused.

That being said, I do get their enthusiasm for denial (I’m not calling it Karezza because we don’t do that). I have often felt genuinely so enthusiastic myself that I’ve wondered, “Why doesn’t everyone do this?” It’s the best fucking thing. And, truth be told, I do think a whole lot of relationships would be benefited by denial. However, I don’t think I’d ever be so presumptuous as to tell people if they only stopped coming they’d win the PowerBall and their teeth will get whiter. Because, as the author points out, we are wired to crave orgasm. Saying we should ignore those cravings for a pot of gold on the other side of the denial rainbow is a hard sell. It just feels wrong. Also, I’m firmly of the opinion that the changes to brain chemistry brought on by extended orgasm denial create feelings of enthusiasm for the practice not unlike those the religious faithful feel when espousing their beliefs.

An example of that (and the over-reliance of anecdote) can be found in this extended passage. Forget for a second we’re talking about sexual practices and instead are talking about Scientology while you read it.

A friend brought an appealing young man to a party at my home. Lars was a gifted graphic designer, sensitive, sincere, courteous, and somewhat shy. He was accompanied by a polite, and much older, woman. I didn’t realize they were lovers.

A few weeks later the friend who had brought them both to my house showed up again. He was shattered; Lars was dead.

Apparently Lars had only been with the woman a few months. And during that time he’d experienced periods of utterly uncharacteristic, violent behavior. For example, he got into fights in bars and had even been threatened with arrest. My friend, who had known Lars’s whole family for years, also talked with his lover after Lars’s death. She told him Lars had become sexually aggressive. The night of his death the woman had refused to participate. She went into another room to lie down. He came in later, sat on top of her, and demanded that she make love. She said no. He pulled a gun from behind his back and shot himself in the head.

Now, it’s possible that there was no link whatsoever between his emotional-behavioral deterioration and his sex life. It was clear to me, though, that some sort of severe imbalance certainly corresponded with the period of their intimacy. Deeply affected by this tragedy, I made a solemn promise never to use my seductiveness to put a lover at risk. I was also committed to discussing the careful management of sexual energy with anyone who showed the least curiosity.

Get that? Orgasm might leads to violent, suicidal behavior. The implications are clear. Save a life: Stop coming. Also, apparently, don’t be sexy. Have you heard the Good News?

While I fear I may be coming off as overly harsh, I still do have high hopes the promise of sciency stuff will redeem the book for me. I’m still not even a quarter of the way through.

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That little Cupid prick

So I’m reading Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships. At least, I’m trying to read it.

I picked it up (if we can call the act of downloading a book onto a Kindle app on an iPad “picking up”) because I saw a reference to an article in an old post over on Schnoff’s blog but the link’s dead now so I just went ahead and got the book.

The description on Amazon looked promising enough:

Zing! Cupid’s arrow skewers a primitive part of the brain. Obediently, we fall in love amid showers of passionate fireworks, bond for a time … and then often get fed up with each other and grow irritable or numb. Perhaps we try to remodel our mate, seek solace online, or pursue a new love interest. Ancient sages recognized this biological snare and hinted at a way to dodge it: use lovemaking to balance one another and harmony arises naturally.

With an entertaining blend of personal experiences, the latest neuroscience, and forgotten insights from around the globe, Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow confronts current assumptions about sex and love and offers a refreshing, practical approach to sexuality.

Well, promising except for the “Zing!’ part. Also, it’s super well reviewed (4.5 stars with 35 reviews). Then it says things like, “We humans are unique among mammals in that we have the capacity to comprehend our subconscious mating programming and choose to manage it consciously,” and I’m, like, yes. 

The basic premise of the book is that sex with orgasm is really about procreation and how we’re wired to really enjoy orgasm (for the few seconds we do) is genetic and evolutionary trickery to make us engage in orgasmic sex more often. But, we’re predisposed to find the mate we’re with less interesting over time, thanks to the drive to spread our seed as far as possible. If we want to maintain the feelings of intense affection and bonding we experience at the start of a relationship, we should not let the brain feel the hit of orgasm since that releases chemicals that eventually work to defeat the part of falling in love we like.

The neurochemical payoff at the moment of orgasm feels like it promotes bonding. Yet such bonds are more fragile than we like to admit. At climax, a neurochemical blast triggers further events for approximately two weeks. These fluctuations deep in the brain drive us toward sexual satiety and subtle changes in mood, which often create emotional friction between lovers (Cupid’s poison). Uneasiness also leaves us vulnerable to promises of quick relief—another potential mate (real or virtual) being one of the most alluring. Thus orgasm turns out to be related to making more babies and making them with more than one partner.

I can get behind this train of thought.

Thing is, as far along as I am with it, there’s just too much spiritual hoo-haw for my taste. This is, essentially, a book on Karezza with some Eastern mysticism mixed in. I’d rather read more about the brain chemistry and less about the ancient “insights from around the globe.” But that’s just the rational atheist in me talking. It’s not that I don’t find the ancient insights interesting. I do, inasmuch as it shows that people had observed the beneficial impact of avoiding orgasm during sex, even thousands of years ago.

The good part of reading it for me, so far, is that it validates so many of the things I’ve observed and experienced personally. For example, the author mentions several times the two week cycle I’ve seen in myself that follows a couple of good orgasms. It’s actually kinda nice to know that I’m not a total freak and even prehistoric Indian shamen had already figured out that not coming during sex was a good thing.

The book, being about Karezza, advocates abstinence from orgasm for both partners, not just the men. This isn’t something I’m asking Belle to do nor am I seriously considering asking her since I really, really like her orgasms and life seems to be pretty fucking good right now with her having them and me not. In fact, I’d say the author thinks orgasms are the root cause of too much that’s wrong with relationships. I get that there’s chemistry involved and orgasm and sex don’t need to necessarily follow and things can be really awesome if they’re disconnected, but she actually comes out and says at one point that if everyone practiced Karezza the net result could be world peace. No, really.

Here’s a passage where she’s realizing that maybe she needed to stop having orgasms, too, and is pondering the consequences of them:

What if some sort of perception shift resulting from orgasm also left us with feelings of lack? How might sexual hangovers manifest in women’s experience? How about all-around bitchiness? Making him wrong about everything? Reaching for antidepressants? Avoiding sex? Overeating? Excessive fondness for one’s vibrator? Feeling unable to cope? Insane jealousy? Fortune hunting? Romance novel addictions? Compulsive shopping, or even kleptomania? Tears and emotional blackmail? Neurotic, needy, controlling mothers—and wounded kids?

Again, I’m not all the way through and am hoping there’ll be more science in the book and am therefore withholding final judgement, but after reading that, I thought, “FUCK, maybe you’re just neurotic.”

Anyway, I’m not not recommending the book. I’m just not sure if I’m recommending it. As I said, jury’s out. I’ll keep reading…

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Dishwasher domination

Following this weekend’s activities, I’m left wondering if Belle’s warning of impending orgasm has passed. I know, I could just ask her, but let’s not kid ourselves. By writing these words, I am, in a way, asking her. I don’t want to pressure her, though, and she’s not always happy when I’m asking her about her future plans. This is just passive-aggressive enough, thank you very much.

Absent any other ideas of her intentions, I assume Sunday’s after-nap funfest was exactly what she was looking for (she even texted me Monday morning praising it again) and, since she was able to get it even without having me come, I think of it as an overall success. The best part was, I did want to come in her. A lot. Totally would have had she just said the word. But now, after the fact, I’m glad she didn’t.

Over on the Twitter, poor said something that got me thinking.

I wonder, if Belle wasn’t part of my life and I had no partner, would I still be into denial? I don’t think so. I really like jacking off and, believe it or not, I really like coming. I might still like the idea of chastity because I’ve always had a nascent kink involving penis bondage and constriction, but I doubt I’d deny myself for more than an extended edging session.

And that train of thought makes me realize that, for me, denial is all about my relationship. I want to be denied because of how it makes me feel about Belle. Not because I hate orgasms. I don’t. But I do love my wife and I know denial makes me a better mate. But it’s not alchemy. That is, it doesn’t create commitment out of thin air or transmute resentment into adoration. It nurtures a seed. It’s more like an amplifier that way.

For example. This morning, I was getting ready for the gym and noticed as I was putting my breakfast dishes in the sink that the dishwasher was full of clean dishes. I had time, so I started to unload it. This sounds pretty mundane, but there was a time when I wouldn’t have thought to do it. It just wouldn’t have occurred to me. Now, it does. Not only that, but as I was putting the plates in the cupboard, I thought how pleased Belle would be to find the dishes put up and the sink clean and I actually started to pop a boner. I mean, seriously. I chubbed out (as best the L02 would let it) just by thinking about how I was doing something Belle would find satisfaction with. Then I made the bed. Then I went to the gym.

It doesn’t really matter that a good spouse and partner should be doing those things anyway. What matters is, because I’m so much more in tune with what makes her happy and so much more invested in that happiness, we both feel good about it. It’s a way to make mundane tasks a lot more interesting.

When I got back from the gym, Belle told me how pleased she was with me. So much so that tonight I could choose how I’d get to make her come. (Decisions, decisions.) All that because of the dishwasher.

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Stong-armed

We took a Sunday afternoon nap. That means, Belle slept and I kinda dozed and eventually woke up and looked at my phone until she was done snoozing.

“Is the door locked?” she asked sleepily.

I nodded. She kissed me on the mouth.

“What did you have in mind?” I asked. I was told to be ready to come out of the device but she had left me in. I had no idea what she wanted, though I figured it would likely be a quickie fingered orgasm.

“I’m letting you out.”

All right, Thumper. Game on.

She handed me the key and I pulled the covers down. I was already naked so I stuck the key in the little brass lock and turned it. The lock slid from its chamber freeing the cage from its cockring mate. Setting the lock and key aside, I pulled the cage off and felt the bulb end of the Looker 02’s urethral insert slither its way down the inside of the shaft it had secured for a week. It caught briefly in the head of the penis and then popped out. Then I pushed the thickening meat back through the ring and winced as the testicles popped through, right first then left. I was free. The steel was on the nightstand.

When I rolled back over towards her, she was naked. The penis was hard and, as I wrapped my arms around her, it brushed against her thigh. The feeling of it caused me to gasp slightly. From no sensation to the best sensation in under 30 seconds.

“How can I serve you, Belle Fille?”

“I want you.”

“Do I get to come?” The $64,000 question. I was ready for whatever she said.

“…No,” she replied evenly.

Instinct took over. I climbed between her legs and pushed the end of the aching meat against the lips of her pussy. She was dry, but I pushed in. I wanted in. She felt tight. Lack of natural lube and at least two weeks since anything had been in her. I shifted my hips to gain further penetration. I was gambling that she wanted it a little rough. A little guy-centric. A moment later, the penis found her hot and wet. She sighed.

“I have no idea why I did that,” I said.

“It feels good,” she purred, “Really good.”

“Is this what you wanted?”

“Yes…”

I pulled the hard shaft out and pushed it back in, spreading her gathering wetness around. I bent my head down and started to suck on her nipple while I fucked her slowly. I shifted again and pushed in as deep as I could, wrapping one arm around her shoulders and placing the other hand in the small of her back. I wrapped her in my strength and exerted just enough pressure for her to feel that I was holding her tight and she couldn’t get out. Not that she wanted to.

I thought fucking slow would let me last longer and I felt I was doing a pretty good job being as leisurely as possible. Her snatch was hot and totally wet now. Her breathing was starting to get more shallow.

“Oh, fuck,” she whispered.

That was it. I can go for a long time and trick the orgasm that wants out into holding its own, but once I hear her start to really get into it, I lose my cool. Two or three slow thrusts later, I had to stop. I could feel the ejaculate locked and loaded. She wanted me to keep going, though, and wiggled her hips. That was enough to trigger a long jet to shoot out of me and into her. I had to pull out to keep it from going any further. She had said, no orgasm.

Now that I had her going, I didn’t want her to lose momentum. I quickly worked my way down to her pussy and dove in. Immediately, my mouth was full of my own seed. I swallowed it down and worked my tongue over her clit, lapping more of myself than seemed possible as it continued to leak from her. My throat was thick with it and its scent mixed with hers to fill my senses. My hands worked their way up to her breasts and tweaked her nipples as I eagerly ate her out. I wondered if this is what it would be like on those night she had her boyfriend over. Would she let me off the floor long enough to clean his semen from her before they slept in the warm bed and I on the hard floor? Would he watch or already have fallen asleep in his post-orgasmic stupor?

Belle’s hips started to buck. She was moaning and pushing against my forehead with the palm of her hand as the intensity of her orgasm crested but I pushed back harder keeping my tongue working over her electrified clit. Her legs crushed my skull and she pulled a fistful of my hair while her ass was off the bed. If she wanted to be taken hard, I was going to make her fucking well feel this orgasm.

Once it was over, I rested my face against her inner thigh and kissed at her taut tendons as she came down a little. The mixture of scents was intoxicating to me. I almost felt dizzy from all the pheromones attacking my brain. I climbed back up her body so that I was between her legs again. She took the penis in her hand and guided it into her.

Jesus fuck, was she hot and slick. Her juices, my semen and spit, and the full ripeness of her post-orgasmic pussy all mixed together and I started to fuck her. Hard. I could still smell us both in the smeared fluids that covered half my face and it drove me mad. It wasn’t long before I could feel the building orgasm and I. Wanted. It.

“Can I come?”

“No.”

Ugh. Wimper.

I stuttered and stopped just long enough for it to climb back up inside me and then I had my hard, strong arms back around her, holding her tight and close. I buried my face in her neck and clung tightly to her and fucked her harder than I had in a long, long time. The lizard was off his leash and going to town. This was just fucking. Just me having my way with her. Doing her. Nothing gentle or submissive about it. I felt another orgasm winding up. A big one. The one I wanted. The lizard said DO IT but the bunny fought back. Each thrust into her caused her to exhale a little. There was no tenderness in what I was doing to her. No room for that. Just lust and desire and burning intensity.

“Come on!” I said to myself under my breath as I slammed into her. Not sure to who I said it or what it meant, but there was a stand-off inside me. Would I? Or not?

Of course not. In the end, I tensed up and then just knew. It wasn’t happening. It was like the lizard’s back was broken. Again. He slinked off and I shuddered and collapsed onto Belle.

“OK, Thumper, that’s enough.”

I panted. Gasped. Gathered myself.

“Is it what you wanted?” I asked quietly.

“Yes.”

—

We laid in bed a long time after. I felt both the feelings of sleepy post-orgasm and the raw edge of continued desire for her. I wanted her to throw me over onto my back, crawl on top of me, and fuck me until I came. I told her.

“No you don’t.”

“Yes I do.”

“No you don’t.”

“Yes, really, I do.”

After a bit, I said, “OK, just between you and me, you can admit it now. You wish the penis was bigger, don’t you?”

She laughed. “No!”

“Yes you do. I know you do.”

She laughed some more. “Well…just a little.”

“OH! So it’s true! Now all I need to get you to do is admit that while we’re having sex.”

We both laughed.

Before I got out of bed, the Looker went back on. The fat bulb on the end of the insert pushed past the opening of the penis (helped along by the slick presence of ejacualte and pussy juice). The penis fought back and tried to grow, but that just made it all the tighter when the lock found its home and the key came out.

She held out her hand and I put the key in it. Belle got exactly what she wanted. I hope she always does.

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Fair warning

Belle warned me yesterday before knocking out ninety-four (I think we should also count those she gets when I’m not around, so it would have been ninety-five not counting her solo action last weekend) that she was close to wanting to really be with me. Nothing in between. Which means, she’s close to making me to come.

She didn’t want me to freak out and I tried not to, but it does kinda freak me out. After she came, we talked a little and I told her I was afraid to come (honestly, I’m scared of them now) and it made me nervous to think about how it would make me feel, but I was totally on board with her being in control of our sex and my orgasm and if that’s what she wanted, then that’s what she wanted. I said that I’m her submissive and sometimes that means taking me outside my comfort zone. It’s entirely within her rights to do so.

She then joked that maybe she really did need to get that boyfriend after all. To help scratch her naked guy-on-girl both coming and having “normal” hot sex itch. She’s joked about this more than once, so maybe it’s not a joke so much, but I still doubt she’d do it. Regardless, were I in a different place and a couple of decades younger, I’m not sure that’s isn’t the kind of relationship I would be right for.

In any event, we’ll see. Once the fruit was dangled in front of me, there were several moments when my fingers were two knuckles deep in her that I wanted out the Looker and into her snatch but she wouldn’t let me. No way. But then things cooled down and I fell asleep on my stomach with the steel pressing into me and everything felt right.

But like I said, it’s Belle’s world. I’m just living in it.

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Lost in the sheets

I was away from Belle over the weekend. Thursday through Monday nights. I was having a nice time, but it was miserable not to be with her. Especially in the morning when the penis was pushing against the Trainer as hard as it can and my hand only found unfeeling plastic and not a hard shaft to play with.

I wish I knew more about the brain chemistry of love and attraction or that someone would do a study on the brain of a denied male. My feelings for her are made so much more intense by the lack of orgasm. My craving for her and her warm softness so much more acute by the locking of the penis. When I got home, I was all over her and her scent and lips and curvy female form made my heart flutter.

“I have to hear you orgasm,” I whispered into her ear.

Later that night, I snuggled up next to her under the covers as we watched Sherlock and as I ran my hands down her body they found the tubular shape of Pink, her favorite vibrator. My assumption was she put it there for me to use on her once Holmes and Watson saved London from terrorists, but no.

“Is that still there?!”

Turns out she had made the bed over it the morning before. While I was clawing at a compressed needy hard-on through its plastic trap, she was pleasuring herself with the little pink vibe. I instantly saw her in my mind doing this and could hear the thrumming rise and fall as she pushed it in and pull it out of her hot snatch.

And of course, I moaned. And melted inside.

I suggested christening her new dildo but she wanted my fingers and now we’re down to ninety-six. Even though I was horned up nearly to distraction, feeling her body tense with the wave of orgasm and then go limp in the afterglow triggered in me the need to sleep. So I did.

There’s a bit more to this one, but it comes with the standard NSFW warnings, so…

Continue reading “Lost in the sheets”

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Two more

I forgot two of my New Year’s goals/notresolutions.

First, I’d like to be tied up more. Doesn’t have to be ropes since they’re technical. Could be cuffs and harnesses, etc. Just restrained. There’s all manner of lovely strappy things to accomplish such a goal. Hogties, hobble belts, and various spreader bars. Even awesome-looking shackles.

I think Belle worries about what to do with me once she’s bound me up. Sure, I’d also like to be whipped and otherwise tortured, but she could just leave me. The idea of having my wrists bound to my thighs or even just leaving them cuffed together all night (preferably while wearing a collar, ‘natch) is highly appealing. Or shackling my hands and ankles. Basically, anything where she removes more of my control is too fucking hot.

Yeah, so, I’d like stuff to bind and restrain me plus a lovely harness. Just because I think they’re sexy as hell and I’ve almost got my upper body into a shape that one would look good on me.

Have I mentioned my strappy leather kink? I must’ve. Once or twice.

Second, I want to be in a state where I want to come. Yes, duh, right? But no, not if you think about it. So many guys into denial are into denial (myself included) which means they want to be denied. Where I’m saying I want to be more often is where I want to fucking come all the time and don’t only because she won’t let me. If she said, “Thumper, now!” I’d happily spew forth without reservations.

Case in point. This morning. I was up before her and sofuckinghorny. I wasted some time on the Tumblr (which did nothing to resolve the horny thing) and otherwise ground the steel into the bed and waited for her to wake up. Eventually, she did, and it wasn’t long before she was naked and needing to choose how she’d let me get her off.

She has many options. My fingers, my mouth, the little pink vibrator, the big blue dick, the little white one, and a new addition to her stable: The Vixskin Maverick. It showed up on Friday and is the solution to her wanting to get fucked by a big dick but not necessarily wanting to let me out. Some further backstory…

Belle wanted me in the Steelheart but also wanted to be fucked and, back around Christmas, asked if Blue would work over the device. No. But, I had a thought. The penis fits pretty well in Blue and Belle’s old dildo Mr. Darcy is nearly the same size as me so what if I put Mr. Darcy in the strap-on harness he was bought for and stuck Blue over that? Kind of a sex toy turducken. We gave it a shot.

Didn’t work. Darcy, while about the same size as the penis all around, doesn’t compress the same way inside Blue. What we ended up with is a much fatter and less flexible dildo arrangement. It made her uncomfortable and I had to get her off a different way. Ah, well.

And that led to the arrival of Maverick. I chose the chocolate color because I felt the pinkish-white one looks kinda sickly and pale and the “caramel” one looks like cheap spray tan. The chocolate color is warm and rich. Really lovely. It showed up and as soon as I saw it I thought she’d think it was too big. On paper, it’s the same size as Blue. Seven inches by two. In reality, Maverick has a much bigger and more pronounced head. Also, it looks thicker. I compared the two to each other and found that they were essentially identical in proportions, though. But Maverick’s head. Holy cow. Blue tapers a bit while Maverick stays hefty all the way to its fat, flared helmet.

Funny thing, though, when I showed it to Belle. “Oh, that’s a really good size,” she said immediately. Yes. A perfect size for her, I think.

So back to this morning. Her choice. Fingers, mouth, pink vibrator, big blue dick, big black dick, or little white one. She decided she wanted me out, so it was Blue. Maverick’s christening will need to wait for another day.

After Blue had its way with her (ninety-eight to go, BTW), she let me fuck her. Again, the sensation of being inside her and feeling how much the dildo she thinks is a “really good size” stretches her beyond my ability really fucking clicks with something very deep inside me. The sensation of being second. The subtle and implied humiliation of knowing that she came so well from something so much bigger. Knowing that no matter how hard I fuck her, I’ll never touch the spots touched by her big dildos.

And sweet Jesus, it makes me want to come in her. To spray myself all over the walls that bigger dick pushed beyond my reach. To mark and retake her pussy as mine. It hurts, I want to come so bad. So I told her.

“I want to come in you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

“No, you really don’t.”

“But I do…”

Silence.

Had she said the word, I would’ve done it. Like that. But she didn’t so I didn’t.

Her goal not to let me come once this year: Intact

My goal to want to really a lot: Intact

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2014

Happy new year, pervs!

I don’t like resolutions. Just don’t like the feel of them. The built-in expectation that many or most will fail. I prefer goals. Things to work towards.

In that spirit, Belle and I discussed our 2014 goals this morning prior to getting it on. First things first. On the orgasm front, she’s reiterated her goal that I should have none. Zero. Donut. She’s on board with my goal for her: 100. That’s not even two a week. No pressure. Totally doable. So, to sum up, the ratio of orgasmic release between the two of us is infinitely weighted in her favor. As it should be.

There were some other goals exchanged. I will continue to work at being the best sub I can be. In whatever way I can. She’s decided she doesn’t want me to ask her every single day how I can serve her. Too much pressure. Now it’ll only be on the weekends. Regardless, this will likely be something I will work on for the rest of my life. There is no perfection in this regard.

Another goal of mine is to get Belle into some ridiculously sexy lingerie. Something with straps and buckles. I really like straps and buckles. Straps connected to stockings and bodices with breasts spilling out. Mmmm. Good stuff. Yeah, that’s a goal.

The goal of Belle taking a boyfriend was discussed, but she’s not interested. One man is enough for her and, at times, too much, so no way she’s going to deal with looking for another. She’s also concerned that she might develop feelings for this other guy and I say of course she would, but there’s feelings and then there’s feelings. But whatever. Moot point.

The last goal was another of mine. I told Belle I really wanted to start getting fucked. Not just by myself, but by another person. My first suggestion was she could do it, but her position on that hasn’t much changed in the past 18 or 20 years so it remains very unlikely. On the other hand, she doesn’t seem to have a problem with me getting a boyfriend/friend that is a boy to do the deed. She’s said in the past that the concept of me being fucked by another guy doesn’t seem too far removed from mastrubation in her mind. It seems as though I have been officially cleared to investigate the options.

The only condition is that I have to remain locked up. As I should be. The penis is Belle’s, not mine and not something I can give to anyone else. So, assuming I go forward with this and she remains comfortable with it, what I have to offer someone is essentially a couple of holes and some hands. No penis.

I admit that I’m both excited and a little scared by the prospect of putting myself out there. I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to say on it in the future.

In the mean time, Belle and I hope you all have a very fine 2014.

Oh, and…uh…ninety-nine to go!