In the comments to INYIM, Part 2 (which was a post about comments to another post which makes this a post about comments to a post about comments which is getting awfully darn recursive for my tastes), reader chaz said:

Have you considered that your current state could be related to your unfortunate incident? I don’t recall this happening before and it would seem that perhaps it has somehow changed the dynamics and how your relating to something you have developed over an extended time.

To which I responded:

I have thought about that. In a way, what happened in the hotel room seemed to pop the chastity bubble I was living in. I had talked myself into thinking I *couldn’t* come, but in fact, I could and did and only because I wanted to. The two things seem linked to me.

To which chaz responded:

I don’t know but IMO the fact that there were no repercussions to what happened is why your having trouble embracing your device, and feeling comfortable again. When you violated one of the basic constructs of your agreement with Belle and nothing adverse happened chastity lost something for you.

After which I thought:


That right there is some insightful shit.

5 thoughts on “Hmmm

  1. Yeah you clearly need a good beating or some form of punishment to make you feel better about what happened. Punishment in a D/s dynamic isn’t always just about the dominant person correcting behaviour, but also about correcting and soothing the mental consequences of breaking the rules. You seem to be suffering from those “mental consequences”

  2. Thumper
    First that my comments warranted a post is some pretty heady stuff for a newbie. When I read of the incident and the follow up it didn’t feel right but I was hesitant to comment as I had nothing to constructive to offer. I was kicking around an idea that Belle should remove your device and require self imposed honor system to prove your commitment, but if you were not up to it and failed where would that leave you. In short and only because it’s something we (my wife and I as we try to incorporate MC) have discussed there has to be a repercussion for what you did. I wish I could offer further suggestions but as yet I haven’t figured out how to solve the paradox of punishing someone like you.

  3. This is interesting to me, because I’m just coming to understand how serious my locked up live is when he’s suggested – repeatedly – to be punished for ever infraction, regardless how small. I’ve been reluctant to do so because… I don’t know, it starts to feel parental in a way. And, I sorta feel like he’s a grown man and should either act in the spirit of our arrangement or not, but don’t put it all on me.

    That sounds much harsher than I mean it to sound…

    Anyway, reading this post makes me realize he really might crave the punishment. Maybe punishment is reassurance that I – as his keyholder – still value what we’re doing.

    This has given me lots to think about. Thank you.

    1. And, I sorta feel like he’s a grown man and should either act in the spirit of our arrangement or not, but don’t put it all on me.

      Assuming your D/s relationship is like other regular adult relationships, then you’d be right. But it’s not. It’s about power exchange. And what a sub wants is to feel that you, his dominant, has power over him and is willing to use it.

      Maybe punishment is reassurance that I – as his keyholder – still value what we’re doing.

      I think you’re right. Rules are rules. Without consequences for when they’re broken, they’re not worth having. A sub without rules is like a world without rainbows.

  4. So here is the heart of the D/s tension when you get all real life about it. In play, you have a set amount of time with nice clear boundaries and your “assumed roles” so that’s easy to navigate because you have both negotiated this little world. You’re the Domme and in the session, he is the sub and it all works just fine. In real life though, I am a 41 year old married mother of one little girl. I expect – not unreasonably – for my 46 year old husband to be responsible for his own behaviour. There are times where I resent having to punish the behaviour of an adult man. Why am I the authority figure to kick against, the scary ogre? I’m his wife not his mother. And blah, blah.

    This will happen. I suspect any very honest married Domme will tell you the same.

    I’ll give you a worked example. I posted a light hearted pic on my blog of my hub’s bottom, complete with oversized plastic peg hanging off his testicles. Made me laugh, so I thought I would share it. Next thing I’ve got some inarticulate moron demanding that I tell him to go to bed with a peg on his dick and that I own his balls. Why FFS? I don’t want another pair of balls to own, thanks. I spend enough time having to think like a Domme about my husband’s to bother about some skanky sweaty stranger hunched over his key board. In the heat of play, power play works. In the cold light of real life, it provides yet another cause of tension if not viewed in a balanced way. We are who we are. He needs to feel submissive, to be contained and owned. I need a balanced happy marriage and a calm husband. You’ve hit the nail on the head MissH. He needs reassurance that you’re still in the game – even if at times, quite frankly, it feels like yet another bloody burden. My advice? Take a deep breath, remove his clothes from him, get a cold metal butt plug shoved in, make him crawl to get you a nice glass of wine and then send the evening using him as a foot stool watching your favourite chick flick and ignoring him. You get a peaceful evening, he gets the ultimate punishment – for his Domme to ignore him. It’s just a creative and productive extension of marital compromise.

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