Grumpy Thumpie

So as not to present one with the idea that this orgasm denial stuff is just one big shiny balloon forever floating heavenward towards sexual nirvana, I will relate the embarrassing (for me) events from a few days this past week.

Belle woke from her afternoon nap (laying out by the pool can really wear a girl down) and I, laying beside her in wait, jumped her. This is in itself a bit out of character since I had no reason to believe she wanted me to, but she was already naked so I made my move. She was apparently amenable to the idea since she let me put my mouth on her nipple uninvited.

Sex comes, of course, in many varieties. Among the best and most indulgent examples of the art is the kind known as “afternoon sex.” A truly decadent derivative of afternoon sex is the “afternoon while on vacation and the kids and rest of the family are downstairs but our bedroom door is locked so it’s OK and, oh, did I mention the warm Trade Winds blowing in through the huge windows and over our naked bodies” kind of sex. That’s what we were having. I licked and suckled her nipples and traced her moistening clit lightly with the fingers of my right hand and the penis was ridiculously hard.

My assertiveness continued when I offered Belle the penis as the vehicle to her pleasure. I wanted her to fuck me. Or, more precisely, I wanted to fuck. Maybe I’d be able to hold it together, maybe I wouldn’t. I really wasn’t thinking that far out. I made the offer out of a selfish desire. She commented that that was usually her decision and, since she didn’t mount me, left it to me to figure out all by myself that I was to continue along the lines of what had already been started. Eventually, though, my fingers and mouth proved not to be enough and, rather than take the still rigid and needy meat for a ride, she had me use Pink. My Belle’s orgasm was still reluctant to show itself, so she took the vibrator from me and took care of herself while I was left to nipple duty and the penis, once filled with such optimism and enthusiasm, was left to drip forlornly all by itself.

It was during this period of my being only somewhat tangentially involved in the activity I initiated that whatever lizard-driven assertive zeal began to falter. By the time she came, the penis had lost its stiffness and I felt somewhat guilty at my previous behavior. Belle, of course, didn’t know what was going on in my head or that I was once so focused on getting the dick wet (damned the torpedoes!). As she was enjoying her post-O glow, I felt as though I shouldn’t get any more. I knew she was about to invite me to fuck her and didn’t think I deserved it. As I was formulating a way to express this, she told me I could go for a ride if I wanted to.

Which is to say, I had a choice. And I had a preference (not to). But when the time came to make the call, the lizard showed that he still had some fight left in him and pulled me, penis first, into Belle. This whole trip, my trigger has been very itchy and I was on the verge of coming almost immediately. I wasn’t just riding the edge, I was tiptoeing over the individual atoms of the razor sharp knife. The kind of edging where a simple shift in position causing the penis to move a half an inch inside her would send the whole thing over the falls. The kind where the lizard with his usual marginal influence over my actions has a disproportionate ability to make things my bunny side would rather not happen. This time, though, the lizard was in the ascendence.

Belle perhaps sensed where I was and told me to get off. Ride was over. And that command, which I’ve accepted is entirely hers to make, planted a seed of anger. I wasn’t mad at her. More likely myself for doing what I didn’t think I deserved and letting myself get so close to the forbidden objective and resenting her authority over making me stop. That little seed, fertilized with my guilt, sprouted and grew as the day went on so that by the time night fell, I was being sullen and standoffish to everyone.

In thinking about it afterward, I think my button got pushed too many times. Too many times at the edge. My hormonal load had to be sky high. Sometimes, denial can be very hard and not for the reasons that seem obvious at first.

My emotional issues came back a few days later and with greater intensity. I was making dinner and it wasn’t going perfectly. Not badly, just not perfectly. But each little imperfect thing was snowballing exponentially with every other little imperfect thing and I found myself swimming in anger.

Honestly, I don’t want to talk about it. We’ll just skip ahead to later that night.

Belle came to bed and was mad at me for being such a child. I was still mad, and she was there, so I attached it to her. But I wasn’t mad at her. By that point, I was mad at myself for being an ass and ruining our evening. Our conversation started out as an argument but devolved quickly into me sobbing inconsolably for being such a pathetically bad partner. All trip, I had been telling Belle how badly I wanted to make her happy and, due I think to the symptoms of the very act of my submission to her, I failed miserably.

I hadn’t cried like that or felt like that about myself in a long time. So much self-doubt. Self-pity. Intense feelings of being weird. Of being a freakish burden to her. I was afraid she’d make me come just to snap me out of it and that sounded so much worse than anything else. I felt convinced that if she had known the real me when we married she wouldn’t have gone through with it. Pathetic, really.

But I’m better now. The tears were cathartic and I’ve apologized to Belle so many times she’s told me to shut up about it. All I can do now is learn from the experience and try to realize when it’s happening again and try to stop it before it goes too far. I’ve redoubled my focus on her and her needs. More than anything, my little tantrum felt like a deep betrayal of my submissive nature and promise to Belle. Thinking about it now leaves me feeling deeply ashamed of my actions. I am profoundly sorry.

We’re leaving for home today and Belle’s said I’ll be going straight back into the Steelheart as soon as we get there. We both feel my attitude would have been better had I been locked up. Being contained changes me for the better. It’s been far too long since I’ve done hard time and I have a deep craving deep in my soul for the comfort and security of the steel. I have a week-long camping trip at the beginning of May and Belle’s said I’ll be locked until then.

God, I need it. And god, I love her for being able to see that I do.

13 thoughts on “Grumpy Thumpie

  1. We’ve been on vacation and I have been struggling to avoid orgasms for a while now. About 4 days in, I remarked to my wife how good an orgasm would feel, but how I didn’t want one. Her sex drive has been low from minor illnesses and I think she felt a little detached because of that and she mostly heard me remark that an orgasm would feel good. So, it ended with me getting an (uninspired) handjob and feeling grumpy about it for about 2 days. Chastity and orgasm denial is not always an was or straightforward dance. But all of this has caused me to be a little more verbal about needing submission. We are now on Day 5 of no orgasms.

    1. How long had you gone before the handjob? Sounds awful. I don’t blame you for being grumpy.

      Verbal: yes. But not always easy. In fact, I *still* have a hard time being totally up front with Belle.

      1. We episodically play with chastity. I am more likely to have better habits and fewer problems with anxiety and depression when playing. Not sure which causes which. Lately life has been more in the way and the whole family had a prolonged battle with flu which really sapped the life out of us.

        Soooo, we left for vacation last weekend which gave me a good 4-5 days without a chance to fall back in my habit of using jerking off as a sleep aid (a really unreliable sleep aid). That is usually just enough to give me momentum but come across a little bit of a needy horn dog. I have since talked to my wife about my strong desire to push that and that she isn’t “forcing” me or making me do it, but I need a little help with self discipline nonetheless. Like dieting and exercise, it is always too easy to say that we will start “tomorrow” on a orgasm free streak. As if this morning, I am on Day 5.

      2. The first 5-10 days after an orgasm are the hardest from the horn-dog perspective. Especially hard if the partner isn’t as into denying you as you are into being denied. In our experience, the dynamic snowballed. As she expended more effort into it, I reciprocated with more of what she wanted. It seems a lot of women are slow to get into it, but eventually embrace the idea. I hope it happens for you if that’s what you want!

  2. GRRRRRRR……..I always enjoy checking in here to see how you are doing b/c I love the humor and self-depreciation that you interject into your blog installments, so much so you might think I could be a stalker…..but this post and your subsequent Twitter comments were an entirely different nature yesterday. I guess you, like everyone else, has a rotten day or 2 every now and then. I hope things are looking up for you and your humor returns, especially as this is the holiday for bunnies….

  3. I,get the feeling, reading the story of how you got together, that Belle has always realised that you had your kinks. As for whether or not she would have married you……..i get the feeling that if she were not happy she would have left long ago.
    I think that she has her submissive bunny right where she wants and needs him.

  4. Hey Thumper—on your other comments, I definately like the denial and the control, but I also get something that is not quite as kinky out of avoiding orgasms. This is almost some other phase of it for me when I think I would get a boost even if I were practicing it all by myself. I think if my wife understood this about me a nudge better, it wouldn’t fall all on her shoulders to “deny” me when she isn’t into to it. In those times, I more need a little help not falling off the wagon and just reminded that I will feel better if I don’t orgsam.

    1. You’re exactly right. Controlling and limiting orgasms is a tactic. It has benefits but doesn’t need to be part of a kinky identification (see Karezza). Turning that into denial is part of a larger strategy. One can control orgasms for specific reasons unrelated to D/s.

      I found orgasm control through D/s but appreciate it for it’s non-D/s attributes, as well.

      1. I don’t know if it had to be a “larger” strategy. To me, they are different elements to explore. I almost need the non-kink aspects more right now than the kinky aspects. My relation to my wife is obviously very important to me, but I have also done a poor job taking care of myself which impacts every other aspect of my life. So, what can be pure kink to me sometimes, I need for self improvement through self control right now.

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