Tent me

While away from Belle during a week in the deep woods camping at the end of July, I jacked off twice to completion in my tent.

Why? I can claim the first time was due to me not being able to relax and sleep, but that doesn’t explain the second time. There’s really no excuse. I wore the locking cock ring as a reminder of things but had to take it off due to it rubbing me badly and I didn’t have any lube with me to fix it. I masturbated once it was off. So I don’t know. I’m weak. I’m stupid. I was away from Belle and and far outside my day-to-day rhythms. And I was unlocked.

I am not the same person when I’m locked up. I would never think of taking Belle’s key or opening mine and using it to let the penis out for a quick one. I totally could do that, but I would never. Even if I wasn’t locked up, the chances of me jacking off while at home are pretty distant. I will sometimes fiddle with the penis and get it hard, give it a squeeze and a pull. But to furiously wank on it? So much so that I shoot? No.

But in the tent. Far away from Belle and the sphere of normal life. Without the impediment of a physical device. I changed. That’s all there is to say.

I’m not happy about it. I wish I hadn’t done it. I almost feel like that person was a different version of me. I guess, in a way, it was. It’s also a reminder of how deeply the need to find sexual release is built into us. All of us. How quickly we can regress to the mean. The first time, maybe I had a reason. The second time, I did it because I felt like it.

Belle, of course, knew. Before I had a chance to tell her (and I was going to tell her) she told me. I can’t say what it was exactly that tipped her off, but she could tell. Then, while fucking her the weekend I got home, I accidentally came again.

Maybe because of all the coming, my predilection towards being locked up was at a low ebb and my mom came to town and Belle forgot to tell me to go back in. So on top of everything else, I wasn’t secured for a week while Belle assumed I was. But since she never actually told me to go back in, I rationalized.

So yeah, I’ve been a bad rabbit.

I share all this not because it’s especially hot or makes good reading but to highlight how hard I think being a denied man is. In that tent in those woods, I failed. I did what I wanted and disregarded my previous pledges to the contrary.

It affected my mood. Besides the chemical hits that accompany orgasm, there was the reality of not living as I was supposed to. Not living up to her expectations and even my own. Plus there’s other things compounding that that aren’t for this blog. But I haven’t felt myself, really, since then.

Belle’s recent clarifications regarding her expectations of when I’ll be locked in a device (as in, all the time unless she says otherwise) has helped. I’ve been in the Steelheart nearly continuously expect for a day or so she let me out because I was sick and the two 30-minute periods this weekend when she wanted to fuck. She’d get up and leave the room when she was finished with me and I had to put the device back over the still-turgid and wet penis, shoving and pushing until the lock turned. She didn’t tell me to, she expected it. Living like this has made me feel more myself. Less like tent me and more like locked me. I like that me. Belle does, too.

In reality, it’s a relief to know I am expected to always be in a device. That absent specific direction on the matter, I should always every time be locked. I resent not being in one, anyway. I don’t think of myself as complete anymore if I can see and feel the penis. I would rather step out of the shower and see shiny steel than a fleshy tube. I’d rather feel the comforting discomfort of a constrained erection in the morning than not. I want to feel the heft of the thing swing when I turn over in bed. I want to feel it pressing up against me as I lay on my stomach. I want to feel the hardness of the tube pushing into my balls when driving and wearing my jeans. I want to be able to put my hands down my pants and feel the lock. That’s who I aspire to be. Because it makes me feel more like the me she prefers. Because that me can’t fuck up and come because he feels like it.

11 thoughts on “Tent me

  1. I’ll try again…

    I too have felt that desire to stray when unlocked. It’s easy. The steelheart is off, you’re away. It’ll be a couple days til you get back to her and you think you’ll be recovered, but damn will she know it. And Belle did. And my lady does too.

    These days, since we’re in the middle of some very long term denial (200+days) I’m not going to fall off the end of that without her pushing all the buttons to do so! It’s been so long and it’s her prize to take. I’m not crazy enough to go and change that.

    I do understand how comfortable it can feel to be locked. For me it’s like her hand is there holding me 24/7. I probably COULD orgasm while locked, but I choose not to even try – and it’s easy because while locked the desire isn’t there. Sure, I might want to jerk off because jerking off is fun, but when locked, it’s her reminder to me that I’d be playing with her property – and I don’t want to do that. besides, any orgasm she’ll give me is going to be far better than just tossing off. And then there’s the let down feeling of having jerked off and cleaning up after – realizing you know you’ve done the wrong thing and that huge disappointment hanging over you…

    Enjoy your lockdown time… 🙂 Thanks for writing.

    1. “These days, since we’re in the middle of some very long term denial (200+days) I’m not going to fall off the end of that without her pushing all the buttons to do so!”

      Interesting that you say that. If she was denying me for a specific time or to a date or “forever,” I realize as I read this that I probably would not have done it. That because I still do come and it’s random (i.e., whenever she feels like it), doing it by myself doesn’t feel quite as bad? Weird. Didn’t think of it that way.

  2. I haven’t masturbated or attempted to in quite some time. The last time I tried to get free for that purpose was in January. In the end after I found the key I changed my mind and did nothing. But when my Queen found out she was very upset. It took a long time for her to get over it. I have been working at rebuilding trust ever since. I won’t even look for the key now. That and masturbation are huge no-no’s for my wife and this for me. She will decide when I get to cum.

    1. It’s funny, but to me trying to get out of a device to jack off is a greater sin then doing it when already out. Like one’s a venal sin and one’s a mortal sin or something like that. I’m not judging, but that’s a line – sneaking out of a device – that I won’t cross.

Say your piece

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s