Denying Thumper

March 3, 2010

Belle’s experiment

Tuesday morning, Belle told me she was going the let me out for a little Thumper-centric recreation that night. As I went about my day (driving to work, sitting in meetings, eating lunch, etc.), I’d think about that and what it might mean and feel the tube between my legs tighten up. I was feeling pretty horned-up all day.

Later, in bed, she took out her only remaining key and unlocked the device. I removed it and put it all back together before she took it from my hands and placed it over on her side of the bed. She barely had anything to do with the old CB6K’s after I took them off leaving their care and maintenance entirely up to me, but she’s much more fond of the Steelheart. When it’s off me, she’s possessive of it and tends to want to keep it herself. That makes the act of being chastised by her much more potent. It’s her device she puts on her cock when she feels like it. Woof.

Anyway, we laid there for a few moments watching the end of a TV show, me naked under the covers, the cock and scrotum all splayed out like an octopus out of the water. As I’ve said before, the extreme flexibility of it after the equally extreme inflexibility of the steel makes for a very strange sensation after being locked up for so long. Once the TV was off, she started to move her hand slowly and methodically over the flaccid member. Even though I was hot and bothered over this moment all day, once it actually came, the cock didn’t seem too interested in responding right away. Maybe it was nerves. Stage fright or something.

It didn’t last long. Pressure started to build in the ridiculously flexible and stretchy meat as she ran her hands over it and my balls until I was sporting the first full erection I had had in weeks. No grasping or stroking, just touching. Tender, gentle, absolutely maddening touching. It was wonderfully loving torture.

Eventually, she did grab hold and start to slowly stroke it until my breathing started coming fast and then she’d let go, leaving it bobbing. I found my hands moving towards my crotch all on their own. She said, “You go,” and the gentle stroking turned into something much more impatient. I was beating the fuck out of that meat while her hands continued to move over my body. She started to flick her fingertips over one of my nipples and I found myself instantly on the edge of an orgasm and had to stop stroking. I laughed. That was so quick. My desire to come was riding very high.

After a few moments of rest, I started again and once more found myself quickly at the edge of another orgasm (or would it be the same one?). I lost count, but again and again I went up to the ledge and stopped. Before long, the sounds of my stroking were punctuated by the wet smacking sound of a hard cock whose slit was well-lubricated with precum.

I was lost in the joy of the ancient art of masturbation, but not so much that I didn’t notice Belle getting sleepy. I could have gone for quite a while longer, but felt doing it “without” her was wrong, so I asked, “Please, Belle Fille, can I stop?” Though I really didn’t want to, she told me I should. So I did and the fell asleep curled up into her, the cock almost painfully hard.

She left me out of the device all the next day. I expected to go back in last night, but she told me this morning that she’s conducting an experiment to “see how I do.” Since I have no explicit permission to do anything and she’s “seeing how I do,” I’ll be doing my best to keep my hands to myself until she says I can do otherwise.

March 1, 2010

A sub or not a sub?

To paraphrase Bill Shakespeare…

What’s in a name? That which we call a sub
By any other name would submit as sweetly.

Recently, there was a bit of a kerfuffle in the comments to my post The 10/100 plan in which Mykey suggested that coming makes being submissive more difficult while Maymay suggested that was poppycock.

Mykey:

The denial after [lots of orgasms] is much harder and much sweeter for it, and the submission deeper and more fun. Of course during those periods its hard to be as submissive, then hey perhaps you could consider taking a break from that too? Perhaps for all or some of the period. It might also make you both appreciate the submission when you start again that much more.

To which Maymay commented (in part):

Attaching a physical experience such as having an orgasm to a motive such as being submissive or not is oversimplifying the entire issue to a point I find demeaning of my masculinity and sexually submissive expression.

Mykey came back with (in part):

How I (and others like me that are so often derided for it) react to orgasms is part of who we are and what makes us tick, and that is no statement on your submission at all. Perhaps you are lucky enough not to get sub drop. Perhaps you are better at managing it. Perhaps you are wired differently, and perhaps your submission is a deeper one than some. Who knows. But you should accept that others can be different to you, with a different style of submission and different drivers for it.

Then they had a little more back and forth, but that’s the gist of it. Go read the whole thing for yourself as I’d hate to characterize their points of view incorrectly. Anyway, it all ended with Maymay saying he’d blog on the subject himself. I am eager to read it.

That being said, I find myself more in the Mykey camp than Maymay’s. I admit that I’ve struggled with coming to terms with my inner sub and probably should not be considered an expert on the matter, but I can totally relate to losing my sub mojo after orgasm. In fact, I’ve always felt that my interest in being submissive and wanting to be denied rises and drops in directly opposed correlation to my level of sexual arousal. My center of attention moves inward when I come. I’m sure Belle would agree with me on that.

So, am I a real sub? What’s the difference between me and Mykey versus Maymay? The web it littered with examples of both kinds so those of us who feel the ebb and flow of submission do, in fact, exist. Are we just psyching ourselves into believing we’re subs when we’re really not?

I wonder, for at least me, if it isn’t the orgasm itself that makes the difference but the way Belle acts when and after it happens. For instance, in the past, a planned orgasm for me has also meant a break from the device for at least a couple of days (usually at least a week, though not last time). Also, she allows them to happen inside her in a very outwardly-appearing vanilla way (just like the old days). Then, I detect just the slightest drop in her sexual dominance (usually by letting me get away with things she wouldn’t normally). Could it be that I’m less of a sub when she’s “less” of a domme? I’m in no way criticizing how she performs her role or suggesting she change a thing, it’s just a thought.

Also, while I can’t speak for Mykey’s experiences, I can say that one big difference between me and Maymay is where we are in our lives and when we discovered our submissive sides. I had cruised all though my adolescence with no inkling I was what I was (though I can see some signs that were there all along). Maymay, being significantly younger, came to his awareness much earlier than I did. That means I had an entire adult life living a way very different than I am now. Perhaps where we are relative to one another makes our experiences very different (at least, how our submissiveness manifests). Is there an inherent difference between someone who comes of age as a submissive versus someone who finds it later in life?

No matter, I can’t change what I know to be true about myself. Denial + arousal = submission. That’s how I work. That’s not saying I’m in no way submissive when my sexual appetite has been totally sated. I think I would be accepting of domination even then. In fact, that was something I was interested to test with the 10/100 plan: would forcing me to orgasm more than I would otherwise leave me feeling dominated just as a near-total absence of them does? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll find out some day.

In the mean time, I’ll be interested to read what my readers think about this.

March 1, 2010

Sex Dice

Not exactly the kind of dice game one usually associates with a blog like mine, but funny just the same.

I love xkcd.

February 28, 2010

New approach

The nice thing about having a blog people actually read is all the helpful comments (in addition to the comments with helpful intentions).

In response to The 10/100 plan, Maymay (who uses nice big words like “homeostatic“) suggested that perhaps we should be focusing on stimulation rather than orgasm as a way of fighting off a drop in my libido.

…I’d rather try conditioning towards edging, not orgasming: cut the denial time in, say, fifths, but make those 10 orgasms into 10 almost-orgasms instead, spread evenly throughout the 100 days. So for example, have an orgasm or two on Day 0, then edge (but don’t orgasm) on day 20 two times. Edge twice again on Day 40, again on Day 60, and two last times on Day 80. Then enjoy an orgasm on Day 100.

Actually, that makes a hell of a lot of sense. Several things have changed since Belle first took control of the cock, but one of the most important is that she leaves it locked nearly all the time now. It comes out when she wants to use it for her pleasure, but then puts it back in immediately afterward. This leaves me with few opportunities to be directly stimulated since she orgasms far more often from my hands and mouth than she does from the cock. As I mentioned previously, the cock will often not even rise to the occasion during these events since it’s been trained that its participation will usually not be required.

The point I’m trying to make is, perhaps the issue isn’t that I’m not coming enough, maybe it’s that I’m not getting enough stimulation. Tom summed it up.

Maintaining interest while in chastity depends upon a mix of tease along with the denial. Without the tease, denial is merely frustrating.

Belle and I talked it over and she’s decided to let me out occasionally for the purpose of allowing me to become stimulated, but only when she’s present (even though she doesn’t necessarily need to be the one doing the stimulating). I think this is a smashing idea since now, if I feel the need for stimulation, I’m left to either trying to get her to have sex (i.e., to get what I can from her orgasm) or I’m driven to porn (which can be nice, but just isn’t the same ad direct stimulation and, I’ve found, it can sometimes enhance the bad side of my frustration). By approaching my stimulation as a separate (and, presumably, much less frequent) activity, it allows her pleasure to happen exactly when she wants it to and will, hopefully, allow me to be more focused on giving her the absolute best time possible.

I feel like every time we hit a bit of a bump, we talk it though (sometimes, with help from my readers) and try to figure out what to do about it. Sometimes, we drift aimlessly, move laterally, and even fall backward (though not very often), but we’re both committed to making this work and looking for the way forward. At no point in our 12 year marriage have we been more focused on each other and our relationship. Being with Belle is the best.

February 27, 2010

Supreme irony

All this yakking about “feeling blah about the denial, oh woe is me, yadda yadda yadda” and actually laying out the 10/100 plan to Belle last night has, ironically, left me pretty turned on. A lot and all of a sudden. I had the sleeping disorder that’s a signature symptom of excessive horniness and tossed and turned all night. I woke several times with ephemeral erotic visions drifting though my sleepy mind and a tube so full my balls felt like a bouquet of purple pansies grasped too tightly by a desperate, sweaty fist. So, yeah, I guess it’s back. Teh hornies.

Not only that, but the submissiveness is back, too. The desire to serve her. To do hard things. To make her as happy as possible. Frankly, that’s been at a very low ebb lately. I’ve been going though the motions, but not getting any of the fluttering in my stomach that goes with it. This is how I felt when I committed myself to her service in the first place and it feels good.

So now the issue is that today’s supposed to be my date. That is, today’s date was written on a little slip of paper randomly drawn out of a hat several months ago. That means I’m supposed to come. Now that I’ve found my mojo, though, I don’t want to. Like, I really don’t want to. I am, right now, where I want to be (the best place for both of us, I think) and it’s taken two weeks to get here. If I come now, that denial boulder will roll down to the bottom of the hill. Maybe I’ll find myself horny again right away because sometimes it works like that. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe it’ll be back to Funksville. Who knows?

And what of the 10/100 plan? Should we still try it? Am I only turned on because there’s the prospect of 10 orgasms spread over 5 days in front of me? If that were suddenly withdrawn, would my mojo go with it?

February 26, 2010

The 10/100 plan

As I mentioned the other day, I’ve been feeling a little blah of late with regard to the denial thing. I think a big part of this is that my body’s adapted to its nearly orgasmless existence. I just don’t get the hormonal charge from it that I used to.

So I had this idea. Not a new idea, to be sure. I’ve read of various flavors of this idea in different places and even a few comments from my recent post brought it up. Basically, what would happen if, instead of denying me orgasms, Belle made me orgasm more? Like, more than I would normally. Back in the day when I had my own cock, I seem to remember jacking off about maybe three times a week or so. Maybe a little more. I don’t know, it’s been a while. Anyway, what if she made me come a lot more than that. Like, twice a day for five days. Ten orgasms. I suspect the first several would be great, but how will number five feel? Eight? Ten!? The idea is to shock my body out of any denial-induced torpor.

That’s the first half of the idea. The second, I admit, is inspired by Cricketed who’s offered his keyholder a “summer of chastity”. I liked the sound of that and started thinking about offering something similar to Belle. Turns out there are just about 100 days between Memorial Day and my birthday. A hundred days. That’s a long time. That’s a goal. It sounds hard. I like hard. Problem is, Memorial Day is still a ways off. Why couldn’t we start the 100 day clock sooner?

So anyway, the idea is to basically “flood the zone” with orgasms over the course of a week and then go deep into denial for a period of time about twice the length of my previously longest period. I brought this up to Belle (who’s decision, I acknowledge, is absolutely final with regard to any question involving what happens to the cock) and she’s willing to give it a shot. However, before doing so, she said I needed to post the idea here so she could see what my readers think of it.

So that’s what I’m doing. What do you think?

February 25, 2010

Nerdery break

CAUTION: Chastity nerdery ahead!

Regular readers should be aware of my chastity device configuration: A Steelworxx Steelheart fitted with a custom designed PA fixing and a 4ga captive bead ring in my PA piercing (check out my article comparing it to the CB-6000 for pictures, etc.). One of the big upsides of this device is that it’s 100% secure. That security comes at the expense of frequent metal-on-metal noise as the thick PA ring clanks against the inside of the stainless tube.

As I say in the Steelheart vs. CB6K article, the steel PA ring offers zero chance of escape as the ball in the ring requires hand tools to remove or insert – tools that can’t be used with the tube in place. When it’s all locked together, it’s more secure than Fort Knox. The noise, though, can be annoying (especially when it happens around the house whilst wearing pajamas). I’ve just ended a few week stint in the device where I used an acrylic PA ring to see if that helped. I found that the instances of noise dropped dramatically. Occasionally, the PA fixing itself will move inside the tube and make a small sound, but the acrylic made practically no noise (certainly none that could be heard through clothing).

The acrylic is far from perfect, though. The ball snaps in very easily to the plastic ring. I’m fairly certain if I pulled hard enough, the ball would pop out and allow escape (though I have no idea how I’d ever get it back together without taking the whole thing off). Also, I felt a frequent pinching near the head of the cock (sometimes during erections, but more often as a result of the motion used while cleaning). This past weekend, Belle let me out for a thorough cleaning/shaving/inspection and I found the flexible ring was allowing just the tiniest bit of skin to get trapped between it and the ball. This sounds worse than it felt, but there was an obvious spot where the ring exits the urethra that had been pinched more often than was good for it.

In order to give the pinched skin a rest, I put the device back on without any jewelry and absent the PA fixing. Just me in a smooth metal tube. I am never in the Steelheart like this. I found the sensation to be oddly liberating (if one can feel that way in such a thing). The fixing doesn’t bother me when it’s in there, but when it’s gone, I can really feel the difference. It essentially makes the tube’s inner diameter larger so I more often felt the enclosed meat bumping around against its sides. Also, during erection, I could tell I was filling every last bit of open space. When the ring and fixing are in place, there’s always a space near the opening that’s open since the PA ring is actually kinda big and has to go somewhere.

In any event, I checked it out the next morning and saw that the pinched area was good as new so I put the steel ring back in and put the PA fixing through it before locking myself back up. I’m back to wearing my cow bell, but it’s more comfortable than before (along with being more secure).

I’m somewhat proud of the fact that, even though I was alone during all this taking off and putting on of the device, that I never not once took the opportunity to sneak in some strokes. I barely touched it more than I had to. Truth is, I have nearly no self control when it comes to this kind of thing. I’m really good (well, pretty good) at not having the occasional accidental orgasm when messing with the goods, but it’s really hard for me keep my hands to myself (so to speak). There was a moment where I wavered, what with the soap and the grasp of my hand, the lifting the shaft to eradicate the little hairs I can’t get to usually…but I maintained control. I didn’t cheat. As quickly as possible, I did what I was supposed to do and was very grateful to be back in the friendly confines of the device, temptation safely locked away.

In other news, Belle’s lost one of keys. She hid it away and did such a good job that she has no idea where it is. Now all we have is one. I need to take it to the Home Depot and see if they can copy it. If not, I’ll need to send Dietmar a note seeing if he sells spares. The one taped up on my key card is the only one we have. Best I keep its whereabouts familiar in the mean time.

February 24, 2010

The hills are alive

No, I haven’t posted in a long time. Well, I’ve posted twice in the past two weeks, but they weren’t real posts. Of course, I come to you today with several theories to explain my lack of motivation (like, you just knew I would, right?).

At some point along the way here lately, I’ve become somewhat self conscious posting about what I’m feeling. Part of it is the charge that’s been leveled at me (with some justification) that I over-analyze stuff. Guilty! I mean, this is my fucking blog, right? So what’s wrong with me writing what I want or what feels right to me? If I want to gaze longingly into my navel until I fall in, who’s business is that? That’s how I should be thinking, but it’s hard not to think about all of you, my audience, and what you want from me. I suppose that’s a trap a blogger should avoid. In any event, I’m going to try to get over trying to live up to your expectations since, as hundreds of individual people, that would be impossible.

The other thing is, prior to my last orgasm, I have to say I was sort of blah about where I was and what Belle and I were doing. When I write things here, I’m speaking to Belle as much as to myself and I guess I didn’t want to leave her with the impression she was doing anything wrong. I’ve been around the block enough times to know that sometimes, things just don’t click. Constantly elevated levels of hormones are not a cure-all and can’t be expected to leave me in a permanent state of euphoria. It was helpful to see Steve in kinda the same boat at the same time. It’s obvious that a big part of how denial makes one feels in mental and not just hormonal. Even so, for pretty much the past month I’ve not been feeling very submissive at all. Not really all that into the chastity thing.

Since Valentine’s Day, when she last made me come (“made” since I really didn’t want it), things have been looking up. I’m a lot hornier than before. I can feel the latent energy of my desire collecting in my extremities. I find moments passing by where my need to grasp the cock is so palpable it sets my teeth on edge. Following a chat the other morning, it seems clear that Belle’s intention is to leave me in the device all the time and only let me out when she has plans for its contents. So, apparently, we have reached that “be careful what you wish for” point (even though I hate that term) where she likes the chastity device more than I do.

In any event, I also realize that the beneficial emotional effects of denial can’t be expressed as a simple line graph that always goes up the further I get from my last orgasm. Besides the attitudinal factors, it’s clear that my body has been rewired as a result of withholding orgasms. It’s not producing hormones like it once did and, even when I’m in the middle of having sex with Belle, doesn’t always respond as vigorously (which is, I think, where the urban legend of enforced chastity ruining a man’s ability to have an erection comes from). This isn’t bad, it just is. I can’t depend on the hormones alone put me in a happy place. If you think about it, it’s not unlike that period after you fall in love and start to settle into a relationship. After the happy little cherubic Cupids leave, the work is in maintaining a healthy frame of mind during the ups as well as the downs.

And that gets back to not talking about how I’m feeling. This blog, as I said way back at the beginning, is my journal. Being that, and assuming I write what I’m feeling at any given moment, it’s going to give Belle (and, of course, you) much more intimate insight into what I’m thinking moment by moment than if it were the old fashioned diary-type journal, written on nice velum paper and secured with a little lock. The trick is for Belle (and me) to not feel like we need to address every little valley I enter since it’s not realistic to think my emotional state will always and forever be Julie Andrews cresting the hill and throwing her arms open to celebrate the majesty of life in the Austrian Alps though song. Sometimes, it’ll be not so great. Sometimes, it’ll suck. To expect anything else is silly.

February 21, 2010