The hills are alive

No, I haven’t posted in a long time. Well, I’ve posted twice in the past two weeks, but they weren’t real posts. Of course, I come to you today with several theories to explain my lack of motivation (like, you just knew I would, right?).

At some point along the way here lately, I’ve become somewhat self conscious posting about what I’m feeling. Part of it is the charge that’s been leveled at me (with some justification) that I over-analyze stuff. Guilty! I mean, this is my fucking blog, right? So what’s wrong with me writing what I want or what feels right to me? If I want to gaze longingly into my navel until I fall in, who’s business is that? That’s how I should be thinking, but it’s hard not to think about all of you, my audience, and what you want from me. I suppose that’s a trap a blogger should avoid. In any event, I’m going to try to get over trying to live up to your expectations since, as hundreds of individual people, that would be impossible.

The other thing is, prior to my last orgasm, I have to say I was sort of blah about where I was and what Belle and I were doing. When I write things here, I’m speaking to Belle as much as to myself and I guess I didn’t want to leave her with the impression she was doing anything wrong. I’ve been around the block enough times to know that sometimes, things just don’t click. Constantly elevated levels of hormones are not a cure-all and can’t be expected to leave me in a permanent state of euphoria. It was helpful to see Steve in kinda the same boat at the same time. It’s obvious that a big part of how denial makes one feels in mental and not just hormonal. Even so, for pretty much the past month I’ve not been feeling very submissive at all. Not really all that into the chastity thing.

Since Valentine’s Day, when she last made me come (“made” since I really didn’t want it), things have been looking up. I’m a lot hornier than before. I can feel the latent energy of my desire collecting in my extremities. I find moments passing by where my need to grasp the cock is so palpable it sets my teeth on edge. Following a chat the other morning, it seems clear that Belle’s intention is to leave me in the device all the time and only let me out when she has plans for its contents. So, apparently, we have reached that “be careful what you wish for” point (even though I hate that term) where she likes the chastity device more than I do.

In any event, I also realize that the beneficial emotional effects of denial can’t be expressed as a simple line graph that always goes up the further I get from my last orgasm. Besides the attitudinal factors, it’s clear that my body has been rewired as a result of withholding orgasms. It’s not producing hormones like it once did and, even when I’m in the middle of having sex with Belle, doesn’t always respond as vigorously (which is, I think, where the urban legend of enforced chastity ruining a man’s ability to have an erection comes from). This isn’t bad, it just is. I can’t depend on the hormones alone put me in a happy place. If you think about it, it’s not unlike that period after you fall in love and start to settle into a relationship. After the happy little cherubic Cupids leave, the work is in maintaining a healthy frame of mind during the ups as well as the downs.

And that gets back to not talking about how I’m feeling. This blog, as I said way back at the beginning, is my journal. Being that, and assuming I write what I’m feeling at any given moment, it’s going to give Belle (and, of course, you) much more intimate insight into what I’m thinking moment by moment than if it were the old fashioned diary-type journal, written on nice velum paper and secured with a little lock. The trick is for Belle (and me) to not feel like we need to address every little valley I enter since it’s not realistic to think my emotional state will always and forever be Julie Andrews cresting the hill and throwing her arms open to celebrate the majesty of life in the Austrian Alps though song. Sometimes, it’ll be not so great. Sometimes, it’ll suck. To expect anything else is silly.

5 thoughts on “The hills are alive

  1. And I agree, it IS a journal of your thoughts and feelings, and that’s why it’s so engrossing. However, as one of the people who mentioned your penchant for over-analyzing, let me say this about that: It’s not that it’s not sometimes interesting to watch the gears turning, but more of a concern that if you keep in one spot, spinning your wheels, you’ll overheat (I’m keeping it as a mechanical, possibly automotive metaphor since, hey, we’re all guys, right?) . It’s not particularly enjoyable to watch someone analyze themselves into a hole.

    So please don’t feel like you have to live up to mine or anybody else’s expectations. Like you said, it’s your journal, nobody elses’. If you had written, “Hey, I’m going to slice some veins in my wrist to see what happens”, my comments would have been along the lines of “Ooh, might want to reconsider that idea, sport”. That’s kind of what my mindset was – maybe overthinking the situation is keeping you from experiencing it in a better mindset. I apologize if it came across as a complaint; I really meant it in a more supportive way.

  2. I read your blog because you write about your feelings and analyze them.

    As a male living in female dominated marriage I also find myself experiencing unexpected emotional reactions that often put me in wonder at the whole dynamic. It is both interesting and informative to read about your life situation and your oftentimes similar emotions.

    The contribution you make to this lifestyle by your insightful and adult chronicling of the entire experience, including the emotional roller coaster, is far better than any diary-style, wank-off fantasy material. If only a few readers like myself have discovered your blog thus far, that doesn’t make your writing any less valuable.

    Please do not stop writing about or analyzing your feelings.

    It sounds as if you have already worked all that out for yourself. I just wanted to express my support.

    As regards the emotional ebb and flow that you are experiencing:
    Your D/s relationship with Belle has developed quite rapidly. My own was slower to come into being, but I have been in it longer. I can assure you from experience that during one of these low energy times you will discover a different kind of positive emotional drive regarding Belle. It isn’t based on erotic energy, but springs from pure love and devotion.

    Imagine wanting more than anything to please Belle with your attentions, and your cock has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with that drive. In fact, it has so little to do with it that you find yourself hoping against hope that she doesn’t misinterpret your intentions and make it about your cock because doing so would knock you out of your head-space. And it is a very pleasant head-space.

    I don’t know what it takes to get there. I certainly went through a lot of low energy times without experiencing it. But I can assure you that it is an emotional state that does exist.

    Maybe, just maybe, it comes from a mutual devotion within your D/s relationship which intuitively accepts your respective roles as extending well beyond sex. I don’t know if that is the ticket in, but that is part of the feeling you have when you get there. But to be clear, it is an emotional state, not a rational thought. It is also happens to be deeply and sweetly loving; immensely intimate; and very satisfying.

    For me, at times like those, it is as if my cock knows that it wont be called upon for any service for days or weeks. Things that my conscious mind registers as being very erotic do not stir the blood in my penis a whit. At one point I worried that I was suffering from the onset of ED. Not even good porn would get me hard. But when my sweetheart finally did bid me to come hither there was no dysfunction whatsoever. How did that happen? I can’t say, but it did.

    And then of course having a release knocks the magic all to hell (for the male anyway) and you have to work at it and wait for it to come around again…

  3. I love to over analyze things; it is one of my favorite pasttimes. However, it has gotten me into trouble more than a few times.

    I haven’t been following you very long, but it is clear that you are far down the road of enforced chastity, while I haven’t yet begun. It is disappointing to hear that you sometimes just aren’t that in to chastity anymore. You have mentioned that you feel your brain has been rewired, and that you no longer feel the need to orgasm.

    Has your brain readjusted to life without sex? I wonder…if chastity has become less effective…and chastity itself being very much a mental ordeal…

    What would happen if Belle suddenly told you to turn the sex back on? She would still be dominant, but instead of telling you not to orgasm, she asks that you orgasm more.

    Instead of coming less than once a month, what about every 3 days? (Working up to multiple times per day?)
    Instead of being locked in your chastity device 24/7, what if you go without it, 24/7? (Belle could even “lock you out” of it, locking the device closed without you, so you couldn’t put it back on even if you wanted to!)

    I imagine after all this time, you now fill naked without the device on. Would enduring this nakedness for Belle’s sake turn the horny back on?

    The basis for these ideas is the famous “inverted glasses” experiment. To explain it in brief, images hit the retina in the eye upside down. Your brain is able to translate this information into an upright picture. In the experiment, the subjects wore special glasses that inverted the light, exposing the subjects to an upside down world. After several days of wearing the glasses nonstop, the brain readjusted the subjects’ vision so that they were seeing upright again. When they took off the glasses, the world turned upside down again. The brain had been recalibrated so that the upside down world appeared “normal.” When they returned to the real world, the brain sees it as upside down, and must readjust again.

    Here is a link to a page about it with scholarly works cited:

    http://wearcam.org/tetherless/node4.html

    I’d like to hear what you and Belle think of this.
    Good Luck!

  4. Hello, Thumper. This is the first time I’ve commented here, though I’ve read your blog for a while. First I’d like to say that I love what you write here, and I love hearing your thoughts and analysis. I think different levels of analyzing work well for different people. I happen to be very philosophically minded and very analytical and it works really well for me. I’ve got friends who would get nowhere if they took my approach, and similarly I’d probably get nowhere if I took theirs. That very difference in our approaches leads us to be able to give one another valuable insights that the other might not have come across on their own. So there’s a short, general case for why it’s great for analytical people to bring their analytical skills to the table and use them.

    I’d also like to just tell you how much I personally benefit from your blog and, in particular, your thinking and writing style. I’m a submissive man who has struggled in the past with how a successful D/s relationship could work. I’ve felt very drawn to D/s but I’ve also found it somewhat frustrating in practice and I’ve felt like I never knew how to structure it so that it could work. I feel like the model that you and Belle have is the most appealing model I’ve seen, and it’s something I would love to try. I think some of what makes your relationship feel so positive to me is that you have such a rich an independent mind and personality that shines through clearly even when you are submitting to her. I feel like your blog is written with intelligence and self-confidence and without pretension. You just seem like a great guy who’s writing about being submissive, and that’s really cool to me. I always look forward to your posts.

    I hope this doesn’t up the pressure any, but I intend to point my next partner at your blog and say “Let’s use that as a starting point to negotiate what we could do.” 🙂

    Finally, sorry to hear you’re feeling a little “blah” lately. One thing that I’ve realized about myself from reading your blog is that I’m turned on by the thought of a partner asking me to do something that is surprisingly unfair. The unexpected seems much less fair than the expected though. When I first read the “Not that it matters” post, I was so turned on! It was so unexpected and so hot that Belle would have said that to you. It revealed a new level of disregard she held for your sexual satisfaction, and that new revelation was what was so hot. Later I’ve gone back and read that post again and it’s felt more like “well, that is what they agreed to.”

    I get the impression that you might also be turned on by surprise (though I could also be wrong, since I only know a small amount about you). If so, then maybe you’ve just gotten used to the unfair things that are going on now, and you’ll feel excited when you next feel like you’re called upon to submit in an unexpectedly unfair way. If it turns out that the blah doesn’t pass on its own, perhaps you might ask Belle to “loan” you the cock back for a while but not tell you how long. For instance she might let you do anything you want with it for a day, a week or a month and whenever she was ready, she could take it back and lock it back up without warning to you. That could be an easy way to regain surprise and to get out of feeling like your both doing something well planned and agreed upon, and hence “equal feeling.”

  5. @Billus

    Oh yeah, *you’re* the one! 😉

    @kyanon42

    “It is disappointing to hear that you sometimes just aren’t that in to chastity anymore.”

    I think it’s overstating it to say I’m not into it anymore. My enthusiasm ebbs and flows like anything else. The best part about where I am at the moment is that it doesn’t really matter how I feel about it since she’s going to leave me in the device based on her preference for me being that way, not mine.

    “You have mentioned that you feel your brain has been rewired, and that you no longer feel the need to orgasm.”

    I do feel rewired, but not so much that I’ve lost the need to orgasm. I like living on the knife’s edge where I experience the strong desire for release without that actual gooey climax. It’s a very complicated balancing act.

    “Has your brain readjusted to life without sex? I wonder…if chastity has become less effective…and chastity itself being very much a mental ordeal…”

    Yes, I think that’s very clearly what’s happened. However, I *do* have sex. Sex isn’t synonymous with orgasm for me anymore. But the point that my body and brain have adapted is valid. The surge of frustration that was quite common at the beginning has become weaker and less frequent. Does that mean chastity is becoming less effective? I don’t know. I do know that the drastic decline in orgasm has forced my sexuality to evolve (and continue to do so). I’m on a road that’s not clearly visible to me.

    “What would happen if Belle suddenly told you to turn the sex back on? She would still be dominant, but instead of telling you not to orgasm, she asks that you orgasm more.”

    The idea of “reversing the polarity” is interesting to me. I admit that going from practically no release to an overload of orgasms is something I’ve wondered about. I’ve read other men who have said that, in between periods of denial, they “reset” by coming more often to help the body go back to “normal”. I might like to try that, but it’s entirely Belle’s choice.

    “I imagine after all this time, you now fell naked without the device on.”

    Absolutely. I also have come to know myself well enough that without it, I have a very hard time keeping my hands off the merchandise. I get very, very distracted.

    @Patrick

    I’m very pleased you’ve found the blog to be so helpful.

    Regarding the unfairness thing, yeah, I really get off on that, too. The post you referenced was a very hot experience for me. It wasn’t *just* that we had sex that was focused on her pleasure over mine, but that she took a moment to rub it in. Very nice.

    @BT

    Thanks for the perspective. You describe what I think is the ideal I am constantly striving to achieve.

    Thanks to all for the thoughtful replies.

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