It’s all cyclical.
This weekend, I was feeling very much not into chastity. Instead of it being fun and sexy and titillating, it’s been annoying, intrusive, and a bummer. The device that, at times, I’ve come to think of as my natural state has turned into a stupid hunk of steel I’m forced to drag around everywhere I go.
I’ve been hinting to Belle that I was moving in this direction and last night I pretty much came out and said I’d like it come off. That’s a potential minefield since it’s become more than just a sexy game. It’s now an integral part of our relationship. Maybe even unhealthily so. That’s why I was nervous and somewhat apprehensive about saying I wanted it off and that’s why she was disinclined to let me out.
Which, I suppose, on one level, could sound really hot. The ultimate wank fodder fantasy, right? Being locked up against one’s will is the Holy Grail of hawt chastity p0rn. Except when it happens in real life. That’s not to say she told me I had to stay locked up. She didn’t, exactly. But she did say she’d let me out in the morning. Then morning came and there was a bunch of running around (more than usual) and the key was never produced.
Why do I feel this way? No idea. One part of it may be that I’ve switched back to the Steelheart and, after wearing the Jail Bird for a while, it now feels really big and clunky. Another piece of it (a big piece) is that we had no sex this weekend. In fact, we haven’t since before she went to NYC last week. Yet another piece is I am finding it very difficult to achieve any kind of meaningful arousal by myself. It’s as though I have no sex drive separate from her. She gave me the token while she was gone (meaning I was free to abuse myself in any way I could while still in the device) but, just like last time this happened, I couldn’t muster the energy. All I want to do is feel her. Fuck her. Come though her. Again, that’s another element from the wank fodder. Being trained not to want any kind of sexual pleasure other than hers. Well, I’m here. In my current frame of mind, it’s left me feeling less hot and more depressed. It’s like there’s a hole in me. Something really important is missing. Oddly, though, any kind of drive or desire to serve her is absent. I’m not feeling a subby vibe. I’m not really feeling anything.
So anyway, she didn’t let me out last night when I asked. Made me wait. I don’t have a problem, in theory, with the idea that, by default, I need to wait 12 hours to be let out if I’m asking for any reason other than physical pain. A waiting period, if you will. Yes, she effectively said, you can get out after your waiting period. Just to make sure I’m serious. Because, as I said above, it’s a Big Deal for us if I’m not locked up.
But, she didn’t say that and we don’t have that agreement. She just said, “Later.” It kind of pissed me off. I was already grumpy all weekend and this didn’t help. Though now, after a bit of reflection, maybe I’m OK with it. I’m not really mad at her. I just wish there had been more conversation about what was happening. If she asks me again tonight if I still want out, I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to say. Yes, because I’m not feeling it. Yes, because it should be fun and sexy. But, also, no, not if she really wants me to stay in. No, not if she’s going to engage with the fact that I’m locked up and depressed. No, not if she can help me come out of my funk.
That’s the part they don’t talk about in the hawt chastity p0rn. The part maybe even you, my faithful reader, can’t really appreciate until you realize you may have lost your independent sexuality. That’s a freaky, scary feeling and it’s like losing a massive part of what makes you you.
I don’t have a tidy ending to this post. But, life is like that sometimes. We’ll see what happens later…