Turbulence

It’s all cyclical.

This weekend, I was feeling very much not into chastity. Instead of it being fun and sexy and titillating, it’s been annoying, intrusive, and a bummer. The device that, at times, I’ve come to think of as my natural state has turned into a stupid hunk of steel I’m forced to drag around everywhere I go.

I’ve been hinting to Belle that I was moving in this direction and last night I pretty much came out and said I’d like it come off. That’s a potential minefield since it’s become more than just a sexy game. It’s now an integral part of our relationship. Maybe even unhealthily so. That’s why I was nervous and somewhat apprehensive about saying I wanted it off and that’s why she was disinclined to let me out.

Which, I suppose, on one level, could sound really hot. The ultimate wank fodder fantasy, right? Being locked up against one’s will is the Holy Grail of hawt chastity p0rn. Except when it happens in real life. That’s not to say she told me I had to stay locked up. She didn’t, exactly. But she did say she’d let me out in the morning. Then morning came and there was a bunch of running around (more than usual) and the key was never produced.

Why do I feel this way? No idea. One part of it may be that I’ve switched back to the Steelheart and, after wearing the Jail Bird for a while, it now feels really big and clunky. Another piece of it (a big piece) is that we had no sex this weekend. In fact, we haven’t since before she went to NYC last week. Yet another piece is I am finding it very difficult to achieve any kind of meaningful arousal by myself. It’s as though I have no sex drive separate from her. She gave me the token while she was gone (meaning I was free to abuse myself in any way I could while still in the device) but, just like last time this happened, I couldn’t muster the energy. All I want to do is feel her. Fuck her. Come though her. Again, that’s another element from the wank fodder. Being trained not to want any kind of sexual pleasure other than hers. Well, I’m here. In my current frame of mind, it’s left me feeling less hot and more depressed. It’s like there’s a hole in me. Something really important is missing. Oddly, though, any kind of drive or desire to serve her is absent. I’m not feeling a subby vibe. I’m not really feeling anything.

So anyway, she didn’t let me out last night when I asked. Made me wait. I don’t have a problem, in theory, with the idea that, by default, I need to wait 12 hours to be let out if I’m asking for any reason other than physical pain. A waiting period, if you will. Yes, she effectively said, you can get out after your waiting period. Just to make sure I’m serious. Because, as I said above, it’s a Big Deal for us if I’m not locked up.

But, she didn’t say that and we don’t have that agreement. She just said, “Later.” It kind of pissed me off. I was already grumpy all weekend and this didn’t help. Though now, after a bit of reflection, maybe I’m OK with it. I’m not really mad at her. I just wish there had been more conversation about what was happening. If she asks me again tonight if I still want out, I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to say. Yes, because I’m not feeling it. Yes, because it should be fun and sexy. But, also, no, not if she really wants me to stay in. No, not if she’s going to engage with the fact that I’m locked up and depressed. No, not if she can help me come out of my funk.

That’s the part they don’t talk about in the hawt chastity p0rn. The part maybe even you, my faithful reader, can’t really appreciate until you realize you may have lost your independent sexuality. That’s a freaky, scary feeling and it’s like losing a massive part of what makes you you.

I don’t have a tidy ending to this post. But, life is like that sometimes. We’ll see what happens later…

10 thoughts on “Turbulence

  1. :nods:

    For me, the first time I got really sick (a bad flu that knocked me out for a few days), and still had to remain locked up was one of the realizations of the gap between teh hawt pr0n and the actuality.

  2. I like the idea of a 12 hour waiting period or anything other than pain/trauma. Might have to steal that.
    The further we get into chastity, the more I realize it is nothing like I first thought.

    The Other Belle

  3. Just wanted to give you a virtual hug. *hugs* I’ve been following your blog for…. gods, I don’t know. A year, perhaps? More? Not sure. Anyhow, like most faithfull readers I’ve grown to care about you. And about Belle and about your relationship. I know you aren’t sad and in a funk in general, your upset over specific things in your relationship. So trying to cheer you up by telling you that some unknown Norwegian cares about you is probably not going to work. But I thought it woud be nice to know, even so. 🙂

  4. Thumper;

    “Just remenber what you wished for”

    I think what you are going through comes with the territory. I often feel
    the same way,but my wife will hear nothing about it. She loves it more
    each day, its been over 15yrs now, and the frustration never goes away, but we
    are a happy couple, and she wouldn’t have ita any other way.

    Thanks for joining the club.

  5. It seems like the chaste relationship has lost some of its shine for you. Perhaps a vacation is in order? On some level, the frustration has to be erotic, not all the time obviously, but it doesn’t seem to me like it can be absent for long periods. If it doesn’t work for both of you then you have to wonder “why bother?”

    Waiting to see when you get your mojo back…

  6. I was wondering when this would happen, not in a bad way, but just that it is a step I expected to see the when total control of sexual relationship is handed over to female partner. It happened to me, and I (perhaps egocentricly) supposed sooner or later it would happen to you as well…… Then it wasn’t happening to you, so I wondered if I was wrong. Maybe I had a personal experience that was different from yours and you wouldn’t come to that bend in the road…. But alas… here you are and here it is. Take heart. All will be OK in the end.

    The thing is, Thumper, that up until now you have been pretty Thumper-centric in the way you perceive your situation with Belle. I’m not saying that you are acting in a selfish manner, because you most certainly are not; but the way you think about the relationship, the chastity, her control, is all about how it effected Thumper. How Thumper felt about this or that. What was hot to Thumper. What was difficult for Thumper… Frankly, it has been pretty sexy, and good for Thumper. Maybe not all “Hawt Porn0” but good and enjoyable nad intimate and so on…. and what makes it good is the 100% focus on Belle, which is sexy and anything but selfish.

    But you have now reached a new point of view in your perception of reality. One based on the sure inward subconsious and outward consious knowledge that Belle alone is in control of your sexuality. For real. Not as a kinky game, but the real deal. And I don’t mean just holding the key to your hardware, but at a much deeper level. Even when your conscious brain wants to get arroused, if Belle isn’t driving the bus the lizard simply rolls over and yawns… “Wake me up when Belle wants to play…” it seems to say. And sometimes it seems like that isn’t near often enough. But without her atentions, small or great… well nothing much happens. The brain wants it; the mind fantasizes about it; but nevertheless the lizard still sleeps.

    But here is the bottom line: the new chaste order of thigs has brough you and Belle closer than ever. It has caused you to focus on her like you never have before, and in that it has brought you great joy. (Belle too I assume.)

    So now both the Lizard and the Bunny both know that Belle is the center of the sexual universe for them. And more often than not in a warm, loving, intimate, sexy-without-having-intercourse or a kinky scene sort of sexy. A low thrum sort of sexy. A sexy that makes you want to be near her and to make her happy and that makes you happy and that makes you both feel really good kind of sexy.

    As for how to deal with you situation: You may find that thinking about your relationship NOT from the perspective of Thumper, but from the perspective of you and Belle as a team in life… as a bonded pair of lovers and life partners…. will help. From a new point of view from that corner of the metaphorical room you may become comfortable in time knowing that she is the one-and-only for you and she brings you more joy than any other…. and THAT’S sexy in a different way, and together you are both happy.

    Will you still wnat to toss the locks aside? Trash the collars and the clips? Maybe, I don’t know…. but I’ll be willing to bet you won’t want to relinquish the D/s life that you are both finding so much to your liking. It is just becoming the New Normal. The New Vanilla for you so much so that it no longer carries it’s own particular passion or fascination.

    If you haven’t done so yet, I’d suggest not seeking your freedom until after Christmas or so. Take a week to ten days to contimplate what your relationship to Bell was before chastity, has become now, and what you want it to be in the future.

    At that point you still may seek modifications, such as electing out of wearing chastity hardware in lieu of other symbols of your devotion to her and your family. But then again, you might not… In the meantime this period might be one you look back on as I do in my relationship as being a major milestone. One you pushed past because in the final analysis you knew you didn’t want to give up and go backward. And here is a litle heads up too. Belle may at some point hit a similar hurdle of her own with similar challenges.

    I’m betting you, Thumper, will still elect to be entierly hers one way or another, focused on her above all others…. It is just too wonderful a life to abandon for the old ways of the wayward lizard-brain running amuck.

    BT

  7. Though now, after a bit of reflection, maybe I’m OK with it. I’m not really mad at her. I just wish there had been more conversation about what was happening.

    This happens to me a lot. I can relate. Oftentimes I’m mad at Wonderboy for treating me the way he has – with my consent – like getting a blowjob and thoroughly enjoying it without reciprocating. I’ll add an “selfishly” to that if I get the funk. The commitment doesn’t mean anything, if I’m feeling vulnerable, which I’d wager you are right now. I’m still in the Hades of freaking out on pure and simple submissive sexual acts and headspaces (sometimes, not often) but I don’t have to dig far to reach the scariness of being completely sexually living through him.

    No, not if she’s going to engage with the fact that I’m locked up and depressed.

    Yes. You’re entitled to be feeling scared and depressed, vulnerable. She is, after all, carrying your sexuality with her. Have you had a change – -or let me refrase: have you had the voice to discuss this without bringing up getting out or off? Can you discuss it without her getting defensive about not having sexual experiences together? The fundamental truth about mismatched libidos doesn’t disappear even in chastity or d/s play, I guess. I think the most important thing is to try to get over the angriness to dig up what anxieties lie within. I know I have a dump full of those. Does he still care for me? Does he value me and my submission? (This is the cause I think for my snapping in the blowjob incident.) Does he love me and does his love make him do the same things, the same sacrifices it does make me? And if it doesn’t -> Does he notice me and my pain, my sacrifises?

    He has to give me something too, but it doesn’t need to be an orgasm or even sexual. But it has to be significant.

    **

    I’m sorry to be so biblical in frase and maybe overtly emotional, but I’m hearing the same words, anger and frustration and fear that always pin me down, too. And it’s not stupid or naïve to need the acknowledgement. It’s human.

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