It has been said before (in fact, I’ve said it before) that chastity is not celibacy. Those who think locking up a cock and/or denying a man his orgasm means there will be no sex are doing it wrong, period. Chastity is about better sex, more meaningful sex, and a closeness and intimacy not unlike that found in the halcyon days of a relationship’s beginning. If that’s how it feels more often than not, then things are working as they should.
Belle got home last Friday. Last night was, perhaps, the first night in which her jetlag wasn’t a factor and she wasn’t trying to go to sleep at 6:30 in the evening. But (there’s always a but) she had a business dinner and got home late, tired, and on her period. I knew it was out there, her period, but was hoping it’d hold off a few days. At least until I left on Sunday. But no.
So, since Belle came home, we’ve had one brief and very Belle-centered encounter. Normally, I wouldn’t complain about Belle-centeredness, but I got the self-abuse thing out of my system in the first week she was gone and have been looking forward to both tending to her and being tended to by her for a long time. It’s hard enough when she’s not there, but she has been there, physically anyway, while I’ve felt myself drift farther and farther away from what I can only describe as my sexuality. My urges and needs and connectedness that makes me a sexual being. And as I drift off into the distance, I feel less and less. Empty and depressed and lonely. The exact opposite of how chastity and orgasm denial are supposed to feel.
I don’t want to blow this out of proportion. I’m not at the end of the world here. But the arrival of the period last night was a blow I had not expected and it left me feeling down. This morning was Belle’s birthday. We all gave her cards and mine said something about how lucky I am to have her. I am. But when the kids had cleared off, she told me she knew I probably didn’t really feel what the card said right at that moment. She knew I was in a bad place and that things were hard for me. Hearing that, I felt like crying. She had said nothing about it before. I needed to hear that she knew even if there was nothing she could do about it.
And now I have and I can keep going a while longer. And maybe I’ve drifted just a little closer back to shore.