Drift

It has been said before (in fact, I’ve said it before) that chastity is not celibacy. Those who think locking up a cock and/or denying a man his orgasm means there will be no sex are doing it wrong, period. Chastity is about better sex, more meaningful sex, and a closeness and intimacy not unlike that found in the halcyon days of a relationship’s beginning. If that’s how it feels more often than not, then things are working as they should.

Belle got home last Friday. Last night was, perhaps, the first night in which her jetlag wasn’t a factor and she wasn’t trying to go to sleep at 6:30 in the evening. But (there’s always a but) she had a business dinner and got home late, tired, and on her period. I knew it was out there, her period, but was hoping it’d hold off a few days. At least until I left on Sunday. But no.

So, since Belle came home, we’ve had one brief and very Belle-centered encounter. Normally, I wouldn’t complain about Belle-centeredness, but I got the self-abuse thing out of my system in the first week she was gone and have been looking forward to both tending to her and being tended to by her for a long time. It’s hard enough when she’s not there, but she has been there, physically anyway, while I’ve felt myself drift farther and farther away from what I can only describe as my sexuality. My urges and needs and connectedness that makes me a sexual being. And as I drift off into the distance, I feel less and less. Empty and depressed and lonely. The exact opposite of how chastity and orgasm denial are supposed to feel.

I don’t want to blow this out of proportion. I’m not at the end of the world here. But the arrival of the period last night was a blow I had not expected and it left me feeling down. This morning was Belle’s birthday. We all gave her cards and mine said something about how lucky I am to have her. I am. But when the kids had cleared off, she told me she knew I probably didn’t really feel what the card said right at that moment. She knew I was in a bad place and that things were hard for me. Hearing that, I felt like crying. She had said nothing about it before. I needed to hear that she knew even if there was nothing she could do about it.

And now I have and I can keep going a while longer. And maybe I’ve drifted just a little closer back to shore.

5 thoughts on “Drift

  1. It is about closeness and intimacy. What you said is correct. In a similar way CQ and I have been less connected becasue she is ‘baby tired’ and she feels she is less sexy than before the baby. ( I disagree ). You are lucky to have a woman that gets and does this as am I. I am surprised at the statement that you ‘feel les and less’ Maybe I have mis understood that? Do you feel less and less for Belle or less and less for yourself (or both)? I know you have set a long goal…. But you don’t have to do it? Hope you are OK dude.

    1. When I said “feel less and less” I meant I *feel* less and less. Just in general. It’s like I’m a pond and the frustration of being denied keeps the waters choppy in a way that I crave but when the frustration starts to ebb away and I can’t do anything to bring it back myself, the waters still and become smooth. That’s “less and less”. I don’t feel less for Belle, just more disconnected from her. And really, I don’t know that the length of the goal has anything to do with it. Even if I were to come this weekend, I would have felt the same way. *Something* needs to keep the water stirred up whether that’s for two weeks, two months, or two years.

      And yes, I am OK. I thought this post came off sounding a bit more morose than it should have. She told me I might get out tonight, so that’s got me on edge now (the good kind of on edge). We’ll see what happens. Thanks for asking.

  2. Thumper, i really feel your agonies. but, to offset the drift away from your sexuality, it will be needful to do a one-eighty turn back and to face your lonesomeness when Belle is either not there physically, or when Belle wants you to leave Her alone, no sexy stuff, no sexy talk maybe, and with your cock locked. The Rules are The Rules. Start to Turn Back toward your sexuality and Kick Hard to get back to shore and remind yourself what you want and need from Belle, from yourself, and for Belle and for you working together day-to-day as a couple with you being in chastity to improve the sexual encounters in future. Hold Fast To The Dream That Sex Can Be Awesome!

  3. It’s easy to understand, how real life can get in the way of fantasies, but I don’t think that chastity or any sort of d/s play should mean there wouldn’t be time for cuddles. There should always be time for cuddles! And they usually bring other things. Whether they be talking, hand holding, teasing, CBT or licking her senseless doesn’t really matter, as long as it connects you two. It doesn’t have to be so strict. You gave your sex away, yes, but not your humanity and need for recognition and intimacy. Right?

    We’ve tried to arrange so that every day, no matter what, we cuddle for at least half an hour. It doesn’t have to be sexual, but it very usually turns out that way, or in other ways relieves us from our burdens of the day. Being close to someone is in itself a cure for “not really being present”.

    But it seems to be the way of the world to deal sexual enthusiasm in cycles. I mean, how would you know excitment if you’d always had it?

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