Got the following text from Belle yesterday morning:

Put yourself in the Steelheart

And I did, using the lock and key from the recently removed Looker 02, and left the key in the standard place for her to retrieve later in the day. Not a moment too soon, really. I was getting kind of bitchy-whiny about being unlocked. No, not in that dreaded top from the bottom way. I just don’t react well to uncertainty. She had said after letting me out that I’d be back in on Sunday, but she didn’t do it. Then Monday came and went with no word at all. As if she forgot my state. So, by the time she left for work on Tuesday with still no word, I was feeling anxious in that way only an annoying sub can. Pulling the ring around the penis and balls and settling the shaft down inside the tube as the two halves of the lock fitted into place zinged a warm and comforting thrill through my chest. Nice that after more than four years, it still works for me.

I expected to have a hard time (ahem) with the nocturnal hydraulics, but I slept mostly through them. The L02 doesn’t wake me as often (the ring’s a little bigger) and it usually takes me a week or so in the Steelheart to get used to the early morning squeeze. I fell asleep on my stomach with the device pushing firmly up into my pelvis and a not inconsequential horny buzz going. Today in the shower, I was doing my tube cleaning routine and found even the sensation of the water rushing by head of the penis was enough to make my knees weak and tummy tingle.

Cleaner, goddamn you! CLEANER!!

Honestly, I don’t even like seeing the penis anymore. Not without something on or around it. When it’s freely flopping, I feel…less. Somehow. When I approach a urinal and whip it out, there’s a moment of disorientation where I forget it’s free. It’s like peeing with someone else’s dick. Getting out of bed Tuesday morning, I watched it flop over to one side lightly and wiggle around with my balls laying there like a deflated ballon and the whole thing looked altogether wrong as opposed to this morning when instead I watched and felt the steel shift and pull and keep the nuts orderly positioned side by side. As it should be. As should be.

Harry asked (and answered) why chastity? I know he was speaking in the larger sense (and I don’t disagree with his answer, though in my usual way, I’d have said a lot more), but why do I need this thing on me? Why does the physicality of the steel mean so much? As it is with so many kinks, I just don’t know. How can we know where these things come from? I can tell you when I’m wearing it because she told me to, I feel better. Special. Looked-after. Maintained. Even sexier. I recall near the beginning of this blog’s life a commenter suggested I had a fetish for chastity devices. I took exception with that at the time, but I can’t really deny it anymore. I do have a fetish. I am a fetishist. Either I had it all along or my feelings of emotional and relationship well-being have been fused with the device between my legs and what it does in such a way that I feel incomplete without it.

I feel like I need Belle to keep pushing and shoving me into tighter and tighter spots. More restriction. More constriction. Less access. Less pleasurable sensation. What’s the limit? Where does it end? Are we, those who long to be controlled, all like this? Or do I have a reciprocally recursive feedback system that builds on itself in such a way that eventually all my feelings of submission and denial will be compressed into a diamond-hard lump?

Yeah, I don’t know. As long as she keeps me locked up along the way, I guess it’ll be OK.

10 thoughts on “Fetishist

  1. You and Belle are an inspiration for all us Chastity and FLR wannabe’s. Thank you for your blog.

  2. Without making this a political or theological argument, what classifies ones likes and dislikes as a fetish. One man’s likes is another man’s unassuming disregard. Just because you may like something that turns your screws doesn’t make you odd or a fetishist. It just makes you who you are and kudos to you for having the balls to be so candid about it.

    1. I think “fetish” has a negative connotation in our culture it doen’t deserve. It’s an object and/or a situation from which I receive sexual arousal. Even emotional comfort. It is what it is. There’s no right or wrong about it.

      Wikipedia says something similar to how I think about it:

      Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object, or from a specific situation. The object or situation of interest is called the fetish; the person who has a fetish for that object/situation is a fetishist. A sexual fetish may be regarded as an enhancing element to a romantic/sexual relationship “achieved in ordinary ways (e.g. having the partner wear a particular garment)” or as a mental disorder/disorder of sexual preference if it causes significant psychosocial distress for the person or has detrimental effects on important areas of their life.

  3. True. Deriving comfort from something sexual is an accetable definition but my a point was we all derive pleasure in one way or another. Why do we have to label it as kinky or a fetish?? I don’t feel as if the things that I derive pleasure from are any more unusal than yours but why call it anything. In my original post, I actually typed than erased tbat ‘fetish’ has a negative connotation, but still your likes and dislikes shouldn’t be defined as anything other than your likes and dislikes, whether anyone shares them or understands them is inconsequential, except maybe Belle. Thanks for your research too. 🙂

    1. You’re talking way above my pay grade. In a sense, nothing is kinky because everyone is about something. I get that. But based on the definition of the word, I’ll cop to being a fetishist.

  4. handing over control like that is itself erotic….it is an interesting thing you guys are doing….

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