Random thought. Like I said in the previous post, Belle and I have been away from each other for a week with just one short (yet productive) visit. In that time, I have hardly touched myself, let alone masturbated. This is not the version of orgasm denial I had in mind! Once I get home, we’ll get back in the swing of things, but the absence of orgasms along with the absence of teasing or some other intense sexual stimulant isn’t fun, it’s just sad.
Changes are afoot
Ugh, being away from Belle Fille has been hell…on both of us. In the past week, we’ve spent about 12 hours together and for most of those we were sleeping. First she was gone and I was miserable and now I’ve been gone and it’s her turn. As I write this, I’m about 12 hours away from going home to her and not a moment too soon. What is it they say about tomorrow being the first day of the rest of your life?
Saturday was our 11th wedding anniversary. Eleven years of keeping my sexual needs and wants hidden from her. Eleven years of her not being able to fully embrace the sexual being that was within her. Eleven years leading up to a crisis in our marriage that’s left us stronger for having survived it. If the past six weeks (since I told her about the affair) have been the time our relationship was being heated and hammered by the blacksmith, then this past week was the final plunge into cold water before our new marriage – forged from what was left of the old – was fully complete.
We’re calling this “11.1” – the first year after the first eleven years. Standing here at the brink of it, I find myself filled with excitement and overwhelmed by the potential of it all.
So, to fill you in on the events of the past several days: On Wednesday last, Belle came home from her trip. I did everything I could to clear the decks so that, upon her arrival, we could focus on each other. However, her plane landed early so the kids were still awake when she got home. Whatever. Minor setback. We still got to spend quality time (most of it naked by candlelight) and, after she climbed on top of me and came, she stayed up there and rode me to a fantastic orgasm. Jesus, I thought my toe nails were going to pop off. It had been just five days since my last emission (not that long compared to what many on the interweb say they’ve endured) but it was the longest I’d gone without release (while also being sexually aroused) since, like, ever.
The CB6K will arrive tomorrow and all the other toys (with the exception of the new cock rings) have already shown up. She’ll be leaving again on Thursday to spend time with her girlfriend in San Francisco (no, not that kind of girlfriend – but bonus points for thinking it) and I have to admit I hope she leaves me locked up while she’s away. I’m a little worried about getting the fit right in just a few days, but think I can figure it out in time.
Lastly, Belle has expressed an interest in joining me on this blog. I’ve set her up with an account, so we’ll see what happens. The idea of a he-said-she-said thing kind of turns me on and, I think, her journey along this new path might be even more interesting than mine.
D.I.Y. cock ring report
Day two of wearing the crappy hardware store cock ring 24/7 is over and I can report no pain at all. No chafing, no pinching. There were some episodes last night where my erections made the ring bite across the top of my shaft, and the wood I woke up with this AM was just more of the same mildly discomforting pain. I think this is because the gauge of the ring is rather small and causes it dig into my flesh. I’m hoping the new stainless model, since it’s thicker, will be more comfortable.
All this nighttime and morning firmness has me thinking a lot about the CB6K still on its way from Canada. I really can’t know how that’s going to be. Being awoken by a tight ring around my hard-on is one thing. Having the thing squeezed into a little rigid tube is something else entirely. Pretty sure there will be a few sleepless nights in my future. However, I do wonder about the tightness of the ring. If the the tube keeps me from achieving a full erection, will I need to move to a smaller size? Hmm, can’t wait to find out.
Triple play
Last night I spoke to an old friend about this strange new world of orgasm denial (OD). It was refreshing because I felt very much that I wanted to share this with someone other than Belle. I’m sure most people would tend to keep this kind of thing to themselves, but I’ve been compelled to talk about it and I think I know why. First of all, now that I’m being totally open with Belle about everything I’m thinking and wanting, it’s sort of broken down a wall I had built between my fantasies and real life. Since she’s the most important person to me in the world and knows everything I just don’t feel like I need to keep it a secret from anyone else. Second, in the short time Belle’s had control over my emissions, I’ve gotten a glimpse of the incredible transformational potential of OD.
I know that in my body (and, I assume, the bodies of most other guys) my brain, heart, and dick are all on the same circuit. Get control of one of those things, and the other two are easy pickins‘. Get two, and it’s game over. What I feel has happened in our relationship is that my brain and my heart conspired to hand over my dick to Belle. Due to the tremendous trust I have in her (brain) and the great love I feel towards her (heart), it was perfectly natural for me to hand over my dick (which really serves him right for being so easily distracted and only waking up a couple of times an hour). The erotic power of this arrangement also pleases both the brain and heart immensely and that helps keep the dick in it’s place. Then, since the dick really is a simple minded yet powerful little guy, all the focus of his attention gets whittled into into a sharp point. In short, he has no other options. Like a kid frying an ant with a magnifying glass, he targets Belle and makes sure the brain and the heart (those elitist eggheads who put him in this spot to begin with) have no choice but to follow his imperative and focus on her more than they did before. That’s the beauty of this scheme. A simple yet sincere act of trust and love has, in effect, worked to increase those same feelings many times over. Soon, she became the absolute center of my universe. She hardly ever leaves my consciousness and her pleasure and well being have become a primary objective of mine. When she’s not near, I think about when she will be again. When she is near, I am always thinking of new ways to make her even closer to me. Heady stuff.
Truth be told, I had no idea OD would prove to be so potent. I am not a person with religious faith nor have I ever really felt its absence. However, this concept has proven to be so transformational that I begin to understand the zealot’s drive. I want everyone to do this. I think it should be standard operating procedure and, in fact, written into the marriage vows. Hell, I might just found a church around this. I could use the tax write-off. Anyone interested in joining Our Lady of Perpetual Denial?
Connie Cul-de-sac
While talking on the phone to Belle last night, she told me she took umbrage at my characterization of her here as “by nature, not a kinky person.” Said I made her sound like she’s a Connie Cul–de-sac. Apparently, there was this episode with a banana once in a hotel room and she thinks she should get some kinkpoints for that. Unless that’s the tip of some tropical fruit fetish I don’t know about (don’t even want to think about the pineapples), I will have to respectfully stand by my position that she is not, by nature, a kinky person. And that’s OK! I think there’s a lot of potential there. The Game idea shows that she’s thinking about it and, personally, I feel just about everyone has their kinks and all anyone has to do is discover them. What I find nice about kinky interests is that one tends to lead to others.
So anyway, I did what I always do when presented with a new opportunity for learning and bought some books. First, based on a recommendation from Tom Allen on Kink on Tap 7, I ordered When Someone You Love Is Kinky. That one seems to be aimed at a person who’s not as comfortable with a kinky partner as my Belle is, but it still might help her (and me) frame our relationship. Then, based on reviews on Amazon, I also picked up Come Hither: A Common Sense Guide to Kinky Sex. This might be a little broad at the moment as we’re just getting started here, but if Belle learns the finer points of tying me up, then all the better! Finally, I got Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders. Since this whole orgasm denial/chastity thing was my idea, I thought she’d need something like this to help develop her own personal approach to keeping my key.
Of course, now that I’ve thrown down the “your not as kinky as me” gauntlet, I might just come back from my trip to find her in a full latex dominatrix suit brandishing a riding crop and myself on the floor hogtied with a hood over my head and a ponytail sticking out my ass.
Yay, enthusiasm!
So I wrote the preceding post before talking to my Belle Fille. Now, I feel 180% better.
I’m still new to all this and I’m not used to carrying around all these hormones. I think my previous funk was from losing the physical closeness of she who keeps my key. Without her near me, all my energy and pent up frustration just curdled. Once I heard her voice though, it was like the sun shone down upon me. Now I’m excited again and the guys who’s sites left me angry and nonplussed earlier are humorous and entertaining again. Most of that shit’s still not my cup of tea, but who am I to judge what gets them off? March forward to happiness, my sexually deprived brethren!
I told Belle how I was surfing for porn last night but since I wasn’t able to actually do anything to myself it ended up being unfulfilling and actually somewhat mesmerizing in the way documentaries about animal mating habits on the Discovery channel are. She told me to stop torturing myself because she’d being doing plenty of that herself tomorrow night. Oh, that felt good! She also told me that she spent the day thinking about how I looked in the shower and what a great ass she thinks I have and how she wanted to bite it (take note: ass biting sends me over the fucking moon). Suddenly I had a vision of her telling me to get in the shower, lather up, and start stroking myself while she watched though the glass door and fingered herself or, even better, used the sweet little dildo I got her for when I was otherwise detained. (Imagine me now looking like Homer Simpson thinking about donuts: mouth open, tongue lolling out, drool.)
Oh god…there’s that wave of desire building up in me again. Except now it has a focus: Belle. As long as all those tornadoes of testosterone are crashing up against her, it’s fucking great. Absent her, they’re left to batter against my own doubts and insecurities. I so needed her tonight and she gave me just what I was missing. Thanks, Belle. See you tomorrow night. XO
Bleh
So I’m feeling kinda bleh tonight. Belle’s out of town and I miss her and wish she was with me. In fact, I feel her absence with a special keenness because we’ve been through so much lately and have come so far in such a short period of time. I really feel the need to be with her now, but of course, I’m not.
At the beginning of our relationship she’d go overseas for a week or two and I’d miss her so badly that I’d call her voicemail just to hear her and I’d walk into her closet and bury my face in her sweaters just to smell her. I’m feeling a little like that tonight. I know she’ll be calling me later but I also know she’ll be 1,500 miles away and that we’ll only be together for one night before I leave and have to spend five more days away from her.
Like I said, bleh.
Plus, I keep finding more blogs and sites on chastity/tease & denial/orgasm denial and find myself feeling more and more distant from the vast community of people practicing these things. There are a few islands of apparent sanity that seem closer to where I am, but so many of the others are alien to me. They’re either guys looking to be absolutely dominated by their women who will keep their nasty, awful, piggish manseed bottled up inside them forever or they’re serial masturbators practicing a special kind of self-loathing and who are trying to save themselves from themselves with $180 pieces of acrylic. There are some elements of these guys that I can see in myself, but for the most part I feel as different from them as I am from just about anyone on the planet. To be honest, it’s starting to suck a lot of my enthusiasm out of all this.
Toys!
In the past week, I’ve ordered…
- The CB6K (though what I really want is this one)
- A “lifelike” dildo (to do with whatever Belle Fille wants)
- An Aneros prostate massager (for moi, obviously)
- A stainless steel cock ring (brushed, not mirror)
- A silicone cock ring (for travel)
- A fresh bottle of lube (for all of the above)
It’s never been said about me that I don’t jump enthusiastically into new endeavors. Most of this stuff is likely to come while I’m away later this week (damn it). Note to Belle: Don’t open any strange boxes in front of the kids.
We also got a lockable plastic file box to store all the goodies in. I picked up a set of mini Master Locks to secure it (just like the one that comes with the CB6K, except with two keys, thank you very much). Belle has one key and the other is locked into a little combination key safe. That stays with me. If I ever have to get to it and she’s not around, I can either ask her for the combo or open an envelope in my computer bag that contains the numbers. Either way, she’ll know. By using locks from the same set on both the goodie box and the CB6K, she controls not only my orgasms but also when and how I receive sexual pleasure of any kind. I’m so serious about this, that the one and only toy from the “old days” I still used with any kind of regularity (a moderately sized penis-shaped Doc Johnson butt plug) is already locked up.
*Sigh.* Twenty-nine hours, thirteen minutes until her plane lands. Figure three-quarters of an hour or so for the trip from the airport…carry the two…tick…tick…tick…
The Game
I can’t believe I forgot to mention this!
So, as I’ve said, my wonderful Belle Fille is not, by nature, a kinky person. I hope to discover a kinky little hellcat hiding away in there somewhere as we progress down this strange new road, but in general she’s very interested in making everyone she loves as happy and contented as possible. You can see some obvious problems this might present someone like me. So far, the tack I’ve taken is to tell her that the act of leaving me basically unsatisfied sexually, and going so far as to actually tease and torment me, makes me incredibly happy and, ultimately, very satisfied. She’s giving it the old college try, and for that I am grateful.
So the day before she left on this trip she came up with the following idea. We will pick a finite period of time (say, three months). She will decide how many orgasms in those three months I will get. We’ll then put a piece of paper representing each day in that three month period into a hat and I will draw one paper for each time she will let me cum. Only she will know the dates. I’ll know how many times I’ll be released, but not the intervals. I might get two in one week but then nothing for the next 6 weeks. She may tell me in advance that one’s coming up or not, entirely at her discretion. In fact, she may deceive me and tell me I’m going to get to cum but then deny me at the last second. Whether or not the CB6K is involved is also entirely up to her discretion.
Sweet Jesus, I get chills just thinking about it.
The best thing about this is that it was pretty much entirely her idea. That she conceived of this scheme and them presented it to me as the way we’re going to move forward (once I get back from my trip) makes me love her all the more for really doing her best to integrate my perversions into our relationship.
One ringy-dingy…
I’m back in the cheap-o hardware store cock ring. The aching balls are a thing of the past, so I want to do an experiment. After I got off the phone with Belle last night, I spent a great deal of time doing “research” into this new area of interest (i.e., looking at porn) and mostly kept my hands off my…er…I mean her cock. I was obviously stimulated, but miles and miles away from cumming.
This morning, no pain whatsoever. So, if the pain is caused by blue balls (as I think it is) then I’m making the assumption that there has to be direct stimulation of my cock and/or bringing me to the brink of orgasm to induce the symptoms I had yesterday. If the pain is caused by the cock ring, then I’ll be sore as hell tonight and tomorrow. Nobody’s going to be bringing me close to orgasm until at least tomorrow night (pleasepleaseplease), so if I experience pain, it’s the hardware’s fault.
I really hope it’s not the hardware because I’m starting to make an association with the ring and the commitment I’ve made to Belle. Just like our wedding bands are symbolic of our emotional relationship, the cock ring is symbolic of our sexual one. To me, its constant grip is the grip of her control over that part of my body (control I willingly ceded to her). I’ve decided that if my body allows it, I always want to be wearing some kind of cock ring. I feel naked and weird when I forget to wear my wedding ring I’m starting to think the cock ring is heading in the same direction. From now on, if I’m not in chastity, I want a ring around my unit.