Month: October 2008

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D.I.Y. cock ring report

Day two of wearing the crappy hardware store cock ring 24/7 is over and I can report no pain at all. No chafing, no pinching. There were some episodes last night where my erections made the ring bite across the top of my shaft, and the wood I woke up with this AM was just more of the same mildly discomforting pain. I think this is because the gauge of the ring is rather small and causes it dig into my flesh. I’m hoping the new stainless model, since it’s thicker, will be more comfortable.

All this nighttime and morning firmness has me thinking a lot about the CB6K still on its way from Canada. I really can’t know how that’s going to be. Being awoken by a tight ring around my hard-on is one thing. Having the thing squeezed into a little rigid tube is something else entirely. Pretty sure there will be a few sleepless nights in my future. However, I do wonder about the tightness of the ring. If the the tube keeps me from achieving a full erection, will I need to move to a smaller size? Hmm, can’t wait to find out.

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Triple play

Last night I spoke to an old friend about this strange new world of orgasm denial (OD). It was refreshing because I felt very much that I wanted to share this with someone other than Belle. I’m sure most people would tend to keep this kind of thing to themselves, but I’ve been compelled to talk about it and I think I know why. First of all, now that I’m being totally open with Belle about everything I’m thinking and wanting, it’s sort of broken down a wall I had built between my fantasies and real life. Since she’s the most important person to me in the world and knows everything I just don’t feel like I need to keep it a secret from anyone else. Second, in the short time Belle’s had control over my emissions, I’ve gotten a glimpse of the incredible transformational potential of OD.

I know that in my body (and, I assume, the bodies of most other guys) my brain, heart, and dick are all on the same circuit. Get control of one of those things, and the other two are easy pickins‘. Get two, and it’s game over. What I feel has happened in our relationship is that my brain and my heart conspired to hand over my dick to Belle. Due to the tremendous trust I have in her (brain) and the great love I feel towards her (heart), it was perfectly natural for me to hand over my dick (which really serves him right for being so easily distracted and only waking up a couple of times an hour). The erotic power of this arrangement also pleases both the brain and heart immensely and that helps keep the dick in it’s place. Then, since the dick really is a simple minded yet powerful little guy, all the focus of his attention gets whittled into into a sharp point. In short, he has no other options. Like a kid frying an ant with a magnifying glass, he targets Belle and makes sure the brain and the heart (those elitist eggheads who put him in this spot to begin with) have no choice but to follow his imperative and focus on her more than they did before. That’s the beauty of this scheme. A simple yet sincere act of trust and love has, in effect, worked to increase those same feelings many times over. Soon, she became the absolute center of my universe. She hardly ever leaves my consciousness and her pleasure and well being have become a primary objective of mine. When she’s not near, I think about when she will be again. When she is near, I am always thinking of new ways to make her even closer to me. Heady stuff.

Truth be told, I had no idea OD would prove to be so potent. I am not a person with religious faith nor have I ever really felt its absence. However, this concept has proven to be so transformational that I begin to understand the zealot’s drive. I want everyone to do this. I think it should be standard operating procedure and, in fact, written into the marriage vows. Hell, I might just found a church around this. I could use the tax write-off. Anyone interested in joining Our Lady of Perpetual Denial?

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Connie Cul-de-sac

While talking on the phone to Belle last night, she told me she took umbrage at my characterization of her here as “by nature, not a kinky person.” Said I made her sound like she’s a Connie Cul–de-sac. Apparently, there was this episode with a banana once in a hotel room and she thinks she should get some kinkpoints for that. Unless that’s the tip of some tropical fruit fetish I don’t know about (don’t even want to think about the pineapples), I will have to respectfully stand by my position that she is not, by nature, a kinky person. And that’s OK! I think there’s a lot of potential there. The Game idea shows that she’s thinking about it and, personally, I feel just about everyone has their kinks and all anyone has to do is discover them. What I find nice about kinky interests is that one tends to lead to others.

So anyway, I did what I always do when presented with a new opportunity for learning and bought some books. First, based on a recommendation from Tom Allen on Kink on Tap 7, I ordered When Someone You Love Is Kinky. That one seems to be aimed at a person who’s not as comfortable with a kinky partner as my Belle is, but it still might help her (and me) frame our relationship. Then, based on reviews on Amazon, I also picked up Come Hither: A Common Sense Guide to Kinky Sex. This might be a little broad at the moment as we’re just getting started here, but if Belle learns the finer points of tying me up, then all the better! Finally, I got Male Chastity: A Guide for Keyholders. Since this whole orgasm denial/chastity thing was my idea, I thought she’d need something like this to help develop her own personal approach to keeping my key.

Of course, now that I’ve thrown down the “your not as kinky as me” gauntlet, I might just come back from my trip to find her in a full latex dominatrix suit brandishing a riding crop and myself on the floor hogtied with a hood over my head and a ponytail sticking out my ass.

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Yay, enthusiasm!

So I wrote the preceding post before talking to my Belle Fille. Now, I feel 180% better.

I’m still new to all this and I’m not used to carrying around all these hormones. I think my previous funk was from losing the physical closeness of she who keeps my key. Without her near me, all my energy and pent up frustration just curdled. Once I heard her voice though, it was like the sun shone down upon me. Now I’m excited again and the guys who’s sites left me angry and nonplussed earlier are humorous and entertaining again. Most of that shit’s still not my cup of tea, but who am I to judge what gets them off? March forward to happiness, my sexually deprived brethren!

I told Belle how I was surfing for porn last night but since I wasn’t able to actually do anything to myself it ended up being unfulfilling and actually somewhat mesmerizing in the way documentaries about animal mating habits on the Discovery channel are. She told me to stop torturing myself because she’d being doing plenty of that herself tomorrow night. Oh, that felt good! She also told me that she spent the day thinking about how I looked in the shower and what a great ass she thinks I have and how she wanted to bite it (take note: ass biting sends me over the fucking moon). Suddenly I had a vision of her telling me to get in the shower, lather up, and start stroking myself while she watched though the glass door and fingered herself or, even better, used the sweet little dildo I got her for when I was otherwise detained. (Imagine me now looking like Homer Simpson thinking about donuts: mouth open, tongue lolling out, drool.)

Oh god…there’s that wave of desire building up in me again. Except now it has a focus: Belle. As long as all those tornadoes of testosterone are crashing up against her, it’s fucking great. Absent her, they’re left to batter against my own doubts and insecurities. I so needed her tonight and she gave me just what I was missing. Thanks, Belle. See you tomorrow night. XO

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Bleh

So I’m feeling kinda bleh tonight. Belle’s out of town and I miss her and wish she was with me. In fact, I feel her absence with a special keenness because we’ve been through so much lately and have come so far in such a short period of time. I really feel the need to be with her now, but of course, I’m not.

At the beginning of our relationship she’d go overseas for a week or two and I’d miss her so badly that I’d call her voicemail just to hear her and I’d walk into her closet and bury my face in her sweaters just to smell her. I’m feeling a little like that tonight. I know she’ll be calling me later but I also know she’ll be 1,500 miles away and that we’ll only be together for one night before I leave and have to spend five more days away from her.

Like I said, bleh.

Plus, I keep finding more blogs and sites on chastity/tease & denial/orgasm denial and find myself feeling more and more distant from the vast community of people practicing these things. There are a few islands of apparent sanity that seem closer to where I am, but so many of the others are alien to me. They’re either guys looking to be absolutely dominated by their women who will keep their nasty, awful, piggish manseed bottled up inside them forever or they’re serial masturbators practicing a special kind of self-loathing and who are trying to save themselves from themselves with $180 pieces of acrylic. There are some elements of these guys that I can see in myself, but for the most part I feel as different from them as I am from just about anyone on the planet. To be honest, it’s starting to suck a lot of my enthusiasm out of all this.

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Toys!

In the past week, I’ve ordered…

It’s never been said about me that I don’t jump enthusiastically into new endeavors. Most of this stuff is likely to come while I’m away later this week (damn it). Note to Belle: Don’t open any strange boxes in front of the kids.

We also got a lockable plastic file box to store all the goodies in. I picked up a set of mini Master Locks to secure it (just like the one that comes with the CB6K, except with two keys, thank you very much). Belle has one key and the other is locked into a little combination key safe. That stays with me. If I ever have to get to it and she’s not around, I can either ask her for the combo or open an envelope in my computer bag that contains the numbers. Either way, she’ll know. By using locks from the same set on both the goodie box and the CB6K, she controls not only my orgasms but also when and how I receive sexual pleasure of any kind. I’m so serious about this, that the one and only toy from the “old days” I still used with any kind of regularity (a moderately sized penis-shaped Doc Johnson butt plug) is already locked up.

*Sigh.* Twenty-nine hours, thirteen minutes until her plane lands. Figure three-quarters of an hour or so for the trip from the airport…carry the two…tick…tick…tick…

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The Game

I can’t believe I forgot to mention this!

So, as I’ve said, my wonderful Belle Fille is not, by nature, a kinky person. I hope to discover a kinky little hellcat hiding away in there somewhere as we progress down this strange new road, but in general she’s very interested in making everyone she loves as happy and contented as possible. You can see some obvious problems this might present someone like me. So far, the tack I’ve taken is to tell her that the act of leaving me basically unsatisfied sexually, and going so far as to actually tease and torment me, makes me incredibly happy and, ultimately, very satisfied. She’s giving it the old college try, and for that I am grateful.

So the day before she left on this trip she came up with the following idea. We will pick a finite period of time (say, three months). She will decide how many orgasms in those three months I will get. We’ll then put a piece of paper representing each day in that three month period into a hat and I will draw one paper for each time she will let me cum. Only she will know the dates. I’ll know how many times I’ll be released, but not the intervals. I might get two in one week but then nothing for the next 6 weeks. She may tell me in advance that one’s coming up or not, entirely at her discretion. In fact, she may deceive me and tell me I’m going to get to cum but then deny me at the last second. Whether or not the CB6K is involved is also entirely up to her discretion.

Sweet Jesus, I get chills just thinking about it.

The best thing about this is that it was pretty much entirely her idea. That she conceived of this scheme and them presented it to me as the way we’re going to move forward (once I get back from my trip) makes me love her all the more for really doing her best to integrate my perversions into our relationship.

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One ringy-dingy…

I’m back in the cheap-o hardware store cock ring. The aching balls are a thing of the past, so I want to do an experiment. After I got off the phone with Belle last night, I spent a great deal of time doing “research” into this new area of interest (i.e., looking at porn) and mostly kept my hands off my…er…I mean her cock. I was obviously stimulated, but miles and miles away from cumming.

This morning, no pain whatsoever. So, if the pain is caused by blue balls (as I think it is) then I’m making the assumption that there has to be direct stimulation of my cock and/or bringing me to the brink of orgasm to induce the symptoms I had yesterday. If the pain is caused by the cock ring, then I’ll be sore as hell tonight and tomorrow. Nobody’s going to be bringing me close to orgasm until at least tomorrow night (pleasepleaseplease), so if I experience pain, it’s the hardware’s fault.

I really hope it’s not the hardware because I’m starting to make an association with the ring and the commitment I’ve made to Belle. Just like our wedding bands are symbolic of our emotional relationship, the cock ring is symbolic of our sexual one. To me, its constant grip is the grip of her control over that part of my body (control I willingly ceded to her). I’ve decided that if my body allows it, I always want to be wearing some kind of cock ring. I feel naked and weird when I forget to wear my wedding ring I’m starting to think the cock ring is heading in the same direction. From now on, if I’m not in chastity, I want a ring around my unit.

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Belle Fille-less

Belle’s out of town (as I said earlier). The aching, swollen thing seems to have gotten better, but goddamn I wish I was seeing her tonight so I could be all achy and sore again tomorrow. Sure hope she’ll talk dirty to me later…

[UPDATE] She called. Tired. Sleepy. Definitely not in dirty talking mood, though she did tell me she was touching herself. That did not necessarily help me. Now I’ve got that image in my head, a whole interweb full of porn, and sore balls. I wish the CB-6000 was here now and on me. I’d still be horny as hell, but without any hope of releasing myself. I’d have no choice but to muscle through until Wednesday night.

Forgot to mention earlier that about 13 hours after she gets home, I’ll be getting on a plane and flying out of town until the following Monday. If she gives me a chance to shoot my load on Wednesday night, I’m taking that fucker.

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OD vs. T&D vs. D/s, etc., Part 1

I admit to harboring a healthy number of sexual perversions. Some of them, I’m sure, aren’t even legal in all the states. Most of what gets me going, though, is strictly in the realm of fantasy. The number of things I’ve read, watched, and rhythmically enjoyed on the web as opposed to the number I’ve actually engaged in is drastically lopsided. That being said, when I started learning more about all the various flavors of orgasm denial (OD) and how its practiced, I found myself unhappy with a great deal of what’s out there. I would never judge the kink of another, but much of how OD is applied practically is far too “out there” for me and, at least as (if not more) importantly, my Belle Fille.

Things I said to Belle that I do not want from our practice of OD:

  • To be demeaned
  • To be hurt or injured
  • For her to be hateful toward me
  • To be dominated by her all the time, in all aspects of our life

What I do want very much:

  • For her to control if, when, and how I will enjoy orgasm for the rest of my days
  • For her sexual pleasure and satisfaction to always be before mine
  • For her to always leave me craving more of the unique pleasures only she can give
  • For us to have fun with our distinctly different sexualities

There is so much on the web around OD, tease and denial (T&D), and domination and submission (D/s), etc., that is very anti-male. I admit to being new to this scene, so it’s entirely possible what I’m reading is just people staying in character, but I don’t think so. Many sites written by women for women (example) make men out to be little more than sexual animals who can’t be trusted to control their urges and whose sex drives can be harnessed to make them do all manner of things they wouldn’t do otherwise. I’ve even read men on forums regurgitate this POV. Like somehow OD saves them from their inner pigs. (The notable exception, and luckily the site I found very early on in my exploration, is Tickleberry.)

The above line of thought is so alien to me it’s not something I can even pretend to be into. Again, I do not judge anything anyone else is into, but personally, I revel in my maleness. I rejoice in the differences between women and men. The fact that I enjoy sex as much as I do, that it’s as important to me as it is, that I think about it all the fucking time is wonderful. I would never want to abdicate my male prerogative to anyone else, even my beloved Belle Fille.

So, how can I say that and still get off on not getting off?

I see the way Belle and I are developing our version of OD as having two distinct parts. The first part is purely emotional and involves our evolving relationship and its importance to me. The second part is much more about the sex and the kink and FUN of how she controls my emissions.

First and foremost, I see my transference of control over my orgasms to Belle as a sacred gift. I love her and trust her and care enough about her and our relationship that I truly never want to experience sexual release ever again if she’s not with me. I have alluded to the fact that I was unfaithful to Belle, so I need to stress that I did not come to this decision with the idea that it was a necessary penitence, act of contrition, punishment or because I didn’t feel I could trust myself in the future. I did it willingly because I was looking for a way to help heal the damage I had done and saw this as not only something that held great personal appeal to me but would truly demonstrate the magnitude of my commitment to our relationship. Giving Belle the one thing that more than any other makes me male – control over my penis – tells her that I want my happiness and hers to be inseparably intertwined. This is not about the absence of sex or just having sex when she wants it. In fact, I will still initiate sex as much if not more than before. I trust her to use the power I’ve given her with the same loving attitude and care she’s always used in other aspects of our relationship.

The fun part of all of this isn’t the what of her control but the how of its execution. Things like the chastity device, edging, using my cock as a simple tool for her pleasure since she may not allow me to cum while she’s enjoying it, and in general teasing me and keeping me in as active a state of sexual stimulation as possible for as long as possible are all just icing on my kinky little cake. I have always gravitated towards porn and fantasies involving either the willing or unwilling loss of sexual control. Now, I can actually live a version of this with the most important person in my life. She teases me and keeps me guessing as to how or if I’ll be released. She’ll stroke me or go down on me until I’m a quivering mass of sexual ecstasy and leave me hanging and craving more. She’ll allow me to enter her and even fuck her with abandon as long as I understand I am not to ejaculate within her. Do we need a chastity device or other accoutrement to experience all this? No, certainly not. Jesus, I’m so hot right now just thinking about it! We’ve had enough sex recently with OD as the central principle to know we could do this all by ourselves indefinitely. The toys aren’t required, but they sure do make the whole thing a bunch more fun.

The most important thing we both bring to the equation is mutual respect and love. I can remain secure with regards to my position in our marriage as an equal partner and confident in my masculinity while simultaneously giving her the keys to it (literally and figuratively). She in return will get sexual pleasure beyond what she’s previously enjoyed along with levels of attention and devotion from me unseen since we first began our relationship.

That’s the plan, anyway. So far so good.