Reader BT left the following thoughtful comment to my last post:

The malaise is a normal part of the progression of a real Female Dominated relationship. We males are always “on” when it comes to sex. Always the reaction is “Why not?” when the possibility of sexual activity comes along. Women are generally “off.” Their reaction is generally “Why now?” when faced with sexual possibility. By handing over the control of the sexual activity in your relationship to your wife you are naturally going to find yourself subjected to periods of “drought.” It’s a female thing.

But as it turns out that you can find that you actually can enjoy some aspects of it. It is during the times when the focus isn’t on the sexual in your relationship that it can be on deeper personal attachments between the two of you. More on your devotion and trust and caring and mutual support of one another. And that can be very fulfilling and satisfying. That probably doesn’t seem like crazy-talk to the gals reading this comment, but it might seem like it to the guys.

In addition, after having your wife in control of sex for awhile your body learns to react in new ways. There will be times when your “big” brain is saying “Man is she looking hot. I really want to have some sort of sexual contact with her!” while your other “brain” seems to know that there is no possibility of that occurring and so doesn’t bother to rise to the occasion.

Don’t sweat it. (the malaise and the slight ED) It is all part of the process and a good sign that you are happily progressing along this path together. At times like these concentrate on trying to do considerate and thoughtful and romantic things for the one you love. You don’t realize it yet, but you have been emancipated from the chains of always seeing everything through the lense of sexuality, and because of that you are free to enjoy pure romance and love in ways you probably never have experienced before.

Go Thumper, GO!

While formulating my response, I realized it might go on for a while and figured a full-blown post would be more appropriate (because maybe everyone doesn’t read comments). Also, Belle told me in an email from Hong Kong that she “really liked” what BT said, so it’s relative importance has been elevated.

First, I will pick a nit with something BT said regarding how I’ve given Belle control over sexual activity in our relationship. In fact, she always had control over sexual activity in our relationship, from the first time we did it straight on through to the wedding night until today. The only real change in the last year is that I can no longer guilt her into giving me some. She pretty much does exactly what she wants when she wants, as is her right as outlined in our Covenant.

What I’ve actually given over to her is the cock. She now controls what I do with it at all times, not just when we’re having sex. When I can touch it, when I can see it, and of course when it gets to come. The net result of this is that our sexualities have melded – mine into hers. I no longer have the ability to achieve any kind of sexual release on my own. Everything has to go through her.

I’ve struggled with that because I feel as though my sexual identity disappeared into her somewhere. We still inhabit two bodies, but sexually we are one – and not the one who wants to do it all the time. Maybe I’m mourning the end of my separate, distinctly male sexuality. Maybe I’m having a hard time fitting her female sexual motor onto my male engine mounts. Maybe, as she’s suggested, I’m just feeling sorry for myself.

The upshot of this, though, is that a great deal of the tension between what I want and what I get went away. That tension powers all the other stuff, to a certain extent. I agree with BT that I should focus on being considerate and romantic during these slow periods, but at least for the past month or so, I only felt the wind flutter out of my sails. I lost my sexual North and she didn’t really give me a new one to replace it – a point to sail towards.

The bright spot in all this is I don’t feel any resentment or anger. I did feel that when we started down this path (a hang-over from feeling it for the better part of the last ten years), but not recently. Not really at all. Angst, sure. But that’s very different than stewing over her perceived neglect. I completely accept her control over my sex and really don’t want things to be any other way (and neither does she). So maybe BT’s right and this is all just “part of the process”. If so, I’d like to move on to the next part, please.

And maybe I already have. I don’t feel at all like I did before she left. I’m actually kind of horny again and feeling the familiar tremulous anticipation of something I’m not going to get. I can’t say I understand all the levers or that living as the s to her D has been easy, but I can say we’re both in this for the long haul. We’re going to make it work.

Practice makes perfect.

8 Replies to “Calibrating”

  1. Well, I heartily disagree that a woman’s first thought is “why now?” when the prospect of sex arises. It depends on the woman and the sex drive. And I really hate these kind of generalizations, although if Belle finds it resonates, then good.

    I will say, though, that gender aside, there is something you’re saying about sexual identity and submission that I relate to. When I was most submissive, I felt a huge part of my sexual identity had just . . . disappeared. Disappeared into his–kinda, more like got subsumed into his. My ability to be sexually aggressive and commanding was gone. I really, really mourned it. And because I did want things to change, because I did want to go back to the way things were, and because my fantasies in that direction were so strong, I now identify as a switch.

    It does sound as though in any case, whatever gender spin you put on it, the solution for you is to go deeper into submission. Here’s hoping you find more wonderful things as you go. 🙂

    1. I want to second this comment about generalizing women’s sexuality. I’m glad it works for you and Belle, Thumper, but for a lot of us this simply isn’t the case but is merely a stereotype.

  2. WOW! A whole post devoted to my comment. I’m very flattered.

    That nit you wanted to pick is no nit at all:

    “In fact, she always had control over sexual activity in our relationship, from the first time we did it straight on through to the wedding night until today.”

    Women always have control in the sexual relationship, D/s or not, (unless the male is a rapist,) but as you went on to say in a FLR the male no longer has the prerogative to pressure his lady into “giving it up” when she isn’t in the mood. So I completley agree with you on that issue.

    “…a great deal of the [sexual] tension between what I want and what I get went away. That tension powers all the other stuff…”

    I also agree with that statement. That smoldering sexual tension is a big motivator in the life of a sub male when it is working. However, it isn’t the only motivator. It is a difficult moment in your relationship for Belle to be traveling. If she were around I’m sure that the romantic intimacy I mentioned would happen quite naturally and you would discover it to be an equally powerful motivating force for “all the other stuff.”

    But take heart. Belle will be home soon and then things will get back on track one way or the other.

  3. Oh geez. This old thing? “Women always have control in the sexual relationship, D/s or not.” So like, in a lesbian sexual relationship, who has control? And for gay men? I suppose a female sub has control over her Dom.

  4. I think, generally speaking, that a female sub does not control the sex. That would be oxymoronic, right? Like army intelligence?

    It may be a stereotype, but BT’s position does describe how Belle and I interact, even before we brought D/s into our relationship. I’ve always held the opinion that women “control” sex. Maybe this is a cultural thing or something, I don’t know. Maybe it’s that he’s (presumably) speaking as a sub male to another (presumably) sub male, but what he says sounds true to me.

    I would venture a guess that if you polled 100 married/committed men in heteronormal relationships regarding who decides if they have sex, most (almost all?) would say the women do. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it is *always* the case, but from my perspective as a guy and from what I hear from the men around me, it seems to be the predominant perspective.

    I’ve never been in a normal long-term relationship with another man, but in the closest parallel I have in my past, I controlled the sex in that I would turn him down while he *always* had sex with me when I wanted it. This had nothing to do with who was the top and who was the bottom since there was no D/s involved and we both pitched as much as we caught (if you know what I mean). How lesbians operate is an almost a total mystery to me.

    1. I think the problem with the assumption that women control the sex in heteronormative relationships is that it denies the reality that existed predominantly up until recently and still exists in many instances today: that many husbands feel they have a right to sex whenever they want it, and that women have no right to deny them. It wasn’t so long ago that the idea of marital rape was seen as ridiculous, and throughout many parts of the world (including parts of the US) it’s still seen as an oxymoron.

      The concept also reinforces a “poor denied men” idea that feeds into mainstream masculine anger about not getting the sex they feel they have a right to at all times.

      Now, you guys are eroticizing this whole concept, and it’s working for you, and it’s ritualized and examined half to death, so I admire that. But I think it’s dangerous to make these kinds of generalizations when there are still women out there who are being raped by their husbands constantly, and still men out there who are decent enough to listen when their wives say “no,” but secretly resent this whole “women’s lib” thing.

  5. I agree that “Women always have control in the sexual relationship, D/s or not.” is a stereotype, but I also agree that maybe it’s generally true… Anyway, that’s how society portrays it, sorta. No?

    For sure Boy Toy would agree with you. But then, he’s a submissive male too. In our relationship, I think I’ve pretty much always had the “sexual power”. He can initiate, but he rarely does. And if asked whether women are superior, he’ll blush and say yes. I think that’s kinda cute 😉

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