Meat this!

Tom’s got another meaty one. (Perverts. Post. He’s got a meaty post.)

I’m going to start by highlighting the bit I especially loved.

[B]eing locked up does not make me feel less manly, less assertive, less randy, or less anything. It makes me feel … more.

Way. In my experience, denial is like turning the saturation way up on a TV. When it’s really humming, it makes all my senses crackle. It’s a beautiful thing. Regular readers will know that I don’t always feel this way and sometimes being denied does result in me feeling less, but I think that’s more a result of Belle and I still getting a hang of all the buttons and switches (overlaid with the normal ebbs and flows of the human psyche) than it is the fault of the denial.

And who in fuck’s name would want to feel less? Can that even be a thing? Getting off on feeling less? Anyway…

Tom goes on to say:

Personally, I’ve been reading so much about what people consider to be “submission” and “submissiveness” that I have decided to disassociate myself from the term altogether; virtually nothing of what I’ve been reading seems to apply to me, so instead of trying to defend my own submissiveness, or more correctly, those certain feelings that I get that I used to associate with submissiveness, I’m just going to move on to some other scale and call it something else. Or maybe I won’t call it anything; I’ll just feel them and describe what I can.

This really speaks to me, too. I mean, that’s kind of what this was all about, right?

The way my brain figures out new things is by looking at similar things to understand how they’re supposed to work. I suppose everyone does this to some extent, but I do it a lot. Pretty much to a fault. Sometimes, this is a really good strategy (like when learning language or how a logical system operates), but in the case of human sexuality, this is a really lame way to go about it. Coming to all this submissiveness stuff late in life, I did my usual thing and looked for analogs of what I thought I was. Tom was one of those as were a number of other bloggers (along, even, with some porn which, of course, is a Really Bad Idea™). Bottom line is I kept comparing myself to a bunch of “ideals” and coming up short. There are a few I feel I’m more like than others, but none of them fit. Obviously, this is because human sexuality is infinitely variable. It’s not an operating system or a machine (even though I used that metaphor above). It’s a messy tangle of crossed wires and gooey dark corners that’s always bubbling and morphing and slithering along in unexpected directions.

Long way around to say the obvious: labeling a human’s sexual quirks can be damaging. If Tom wants to shed his submissive cloak, more power to him. I think there are more ways for otherwise “submissive” men to be different than there are for them to be the same. Case in point is our views on service, but I’ll get to that later. First…

It’s amusing to see that the selling points for male chastity devices tend to focus on either making your man more “romantic”, or on making him do more household chores. … But is this actually true, or is it a stereotype that plays on the idea that sex is something that men want, and  women parcel out according to whim?

I have tried to run away from this stereotype and in doing so have beat myself up (only figuratively, alas) for not Doing It Right, but the thing is, yeah, being locked up and denied does tend to make me a better mate to Belle. I’m much more attentive to her, much more in tune with what she needs, and much more willing to sacrifice what I want in order to give her what she wants.

But for us, the device is only a catalyst. What it represents is a level of commitment on Belle’s part to our relationship that, frankly, I didn’t feel for years (and she didn’t feel it back from me, either). Now, because she locks up the cock, because she denies me orgasm, because she takes advantage of my desire to serve her, I am fully engaged with her and our relationship like I haven’t been for about a decade. Likewise, she sees a commitment from me though my dealing with the device, giving her the cock to control, and trying my hardest to be of service to her. Did the device do that? Or did I? I think it was both of us.

Too many people think chastity devices are like magical talismans that are good for whatever ails you. Like any tool, it’s how you use it that counts. Just because there’s a thing involved, people incorrectly assign the improvements in their relationship to the device when in fact they should be taking the credit themselves. Successfully integrating chastity is hard work that, when done correctly, bears a lot of fruit. But it’s the fact that they’re doing the work that makes it work, not whatever thing they’ve chosen to play with.

Never not once has any woodworker said, “Gee, that hammer really made a great bookcase!”

The last bit of Tom’s post I want to flog is the part about service. Or, more specifically, how the concept of being a service sub just isn’t lighting any fires over at the Allen Ranch. I tried to find that one salient blurb that fully captured his sentiment, but really, it’s the entire last four paragraphs of his post. If you haven’t already, go read it.

I’ll wait…

OK.

He does a pretty good job of knocking the whole service concept about the head and face, and I think that we probably have a fair bit of common ground around this, but I also think he’s missing some of the point.

I know (or, at least, I read) that some people actually get a sexual charge from performing service. I do not. He talks about how he doesn’t “drip with sexual excitement” when he brings Mrs. Edge a cup of coffee, and while I get Belle coffee all the time, it’s never caused me to drip anything (other than the occasional bit I’ve spilled). It isn’t the act of doing what she says that gets me off. In fact, it’s often a bit of a downer. I’d rather be updating my portfolio or playing on the PS3 or whatever. But, in a way I admit to not being fully able to put into coherent words yet, I love being her tool. I think of myself as her live-in manservant. Whatever she tells me to do, I will do, whether I want to or not, because that’s my position. I live to serve her. Even when I don’t want to, I want her to make me.

People have left comments here before about this and how it’s not really service and that all I’m doing is being a responsible partner in the marriage, yadda yadda. First of all, I think they’re underestimating the amount of work I do for her. I do 98% of all the laundry in our house of four people. I cook most of the meals. I make the beds, etc., etc. As Belle has said, she doesn’t really need to do much of anything around the house anymore. She will do things, but only because she wants to, not because she has to. Also, they miss what can’t be seen on the outside. It’s my intention to serve her. When I do it, I may not be enjoying the actual work, but I get a warmnfuzzy feeling inside. When she tells me I’m doing a good job, I similarly feel a warm flush. This isn’t necessarily sexual (though the context of when she says it makes a difference).

Here’s an example. As I said in my previous post (which, by the way, I’m really not that happy with – they can’t all be winners), Belle offered to let me out of the device so I could enjoy the cock being played with, but only if I got all the laundry done on Saturday. That was a lot of laundry. It took hours. But, when we were in bed and she had unlocked me and she was petting the cock and telling me what a good job I had done and how I had earned the time out…Jesus! I was over-the-moon kind of happy. Maybe one of the most satisfying few moments of our entire D/s adventure thus far. I felt totally beholden to her. I felt so happy that she appreciated my work. I felt totally and completely under her control. It was awesome.

Unlike Tom writing in general about service and not getting in the slightest turned on by it, my writing the previous paragraph has left me with a seriously full tube. So he doesn’t work that way. Whatever. Does that mean he’s not a “real” submissive? Fuck if I know. Honestly, who cares? I feel kind of the same way about the sissified guys out there who want to be put in panties and frilly little dresses as he does about service. Does that mean I’m not submissive? Or they’re not? Or they are, but too much?

As long as, at the end of the day, we’re all healthy and happy, then we’re Doing It Right. Call it whatever you want.

P.S. I apologize for the lame post title, but after all that, I couldn’t come up with anything pithy. It happens to all guys sooner or later…or so I’m told.

7 thoughts on “Meat this!

  1. Okay, first, let’s understand that I’m not dissing what anybody else is doing. YKIOK and all that. In general.

    Now, in specific, let me ask:

    but the thing is, yeah, being locked up and denied does tend to make me a better mate to Belle. I’m much more attentive to her, much more in tune with what she needs, and much more willing to sacrifice what I want in order to give her what she wants.

    Is it the being denied, or is it the fact that Belle is demonstrating that she loves and accepts you by playing along with what you happen to kink on?

    I’m not being snarky; I’ve begun to think that — at least in my case — many of the feelings that I have are simply based on my happiness that Mrs. Edge cares enough to put some effort into understanding and even enjoying this. After having been 3/4 ashamed of my feelings and desires for most of my adult life, and having spent a good portion of our marriage not being able to communicate, being able to share a kink and feel accepted is very heady and powerful.

    I dunno. Give it some thought.

    Anyway, about the service thing. I know that some people kink on this, and I see it as a huge part of the FLR paradigm; men want to feel that they are serving and being generally useful for their princess/goddess. I do understand why, at least on paper. But on a personal level it simply doesn’t flip any of my switches; I don’t get that glow of pleasure that I hear some people talk about.

    Now, maybe it’s because I would normally do a lot of those things anyway, so I just can’t make an erotic connection. That said, if making coffee (or folding laundry, or pretty much anything else) were to be placed in an erotic context, I’d be down with that in a heartbeat. For example, if I came home from work and Mrs. Edge were waiting dressed in leather boots and a wicked grin, and she told me to make coffee, I’d ask “How strong?” If she told me to get naked and fold clothes while she watched, I’d be all over that laundry basket.

    But I understand that I would do so because of the mutually agreed upon erotic context. I can imagine that a component of that is the shared desire for sexual play, whereby I would expect some kind of sexual “reward” at the end of the play. I acknowledge that this is not the same thing that you are probably talking about.

    1. Is it the being denied, or is it the fact that Belle is demonstrating that she loves and accepts you by playing along with what you happen to kink on?

      *Absolutely* That’s basically the point I was making when I said, “But for us, the device is only a catalyst. What it represents is a level of commitment, blah blah blah.” And, of course, what makes it hotter is that she’s not *just* playing along, she actually likes it, too. So much so that she’s said she never wants to go back to the vanilla dynamic we had before.

      After having been 3/4 ashamed of my feelings and desires for most of my adult life, and having spent a good portion of our marriage not being able to communicate, being able to share a kink and feel accepted is very heady and powerful.

      Could not agree more. I could have written those words myself.

      With regard to the service sub thing, I don’t know if that’s what I am (as if you could just check the markings or something and say, “Yup, that’s a service sub!”). Your last two paragraphs don’t sound terribly unlike what Belle and I have. I think we’d both agree that whatever it’s called makes no difference as long as everyone involved is having a good time.

  2. I like it – two men in chastity devices discussing how it (and the whole denial process) makes them feel – and they agree to disagree! And in the process drilling holes below the waterline of the S.S. Kink (‘S.S’ being ‘Submissive Stereotype’).

  3. Reading your recent posts I sense that you have come to a point in your D/s relationship where your attitude about it is changing. Specifically that you glean that there is something more to it, something greater than just kinky sex hidden out there in the shadows just beyond your ken. You are right. There is.

    In the early stages the drive behind the emergence of your submissive side was accomplished by handing over control of your penis, and by extrapolation your male essence, to Belle. The wearing of a chastity device while handing her the control and the key served to insulate you from a life time of expectations of what it meant to be “male.” By giving control of your male-ness to a loving and supportive woman you entered into a situation which permitted you to explore yourself and your relationship with her in an entirely new perspective. A perspective free from all “stereotypical male” parameters.

    An efect of the enforced chastity is that it reallocated one important defining measure of your relationship, which was the idea of having regular sex with a beautiful mate (a very typical male perspective,) and allowed in its place a sense of devotion and mutual commitment to flourish. (A very un-male perspective.)

    It is a crazy paradox: Locking up your penis is born of kinky sexual desires and so it focuses your mind onto sex, but in the end it serves to remove the focus of the relationship from actually having sexual intercourse. And strangely enough it turns out that is pretty darn sexy. And it was all a indispensable step to allow the joy of your loving marriage to grow to hitherto unimagined levels of happiness and personal satisfaction.

    However, enforced chastity is a very penile-centric way of expressing what is now a nicely maturing D/s relationship. IMHO it may be getting in the way of the next step in your emotional growth as a submissive male. It focuses you too much on your penis just when you need to look beyond that physical-sex-act aspect of your marriage to the greater whole.

    Forget about the chastity device just for a minute. The lock was just a means to a new enlightenment. A helpful and maybe even necessary step, but not the end game. You must get your mind off of your penis to better understand where you were, where you are now, and what it is about your D/s relationship with Belle that you find so fulfilling and rewarding.

    Forget about any kink or acts that others define as elements of “true” submission. There is no particular act, no piece of hardware anyone can wear, no piercing, no tattoo, no sexual kink, that can define what true submission is. It is an attitude that comes from deep within. It is a deep burning desire to do what ever it takes to please your partner, and finding your own joy and pleasure in seeing that your partner is well pleased. Frankly a lot of time, (actually most of the time,) it has nothing to do with sex. BUT the feeling you get when you see your partner spontaneously smile in an expression of true contentment and happiness is strangely somehow very sexy and very satisfying. It is probably the sexiest, most satisfying thing you will ever experience in your life. No mere orgasm could ever compare.

    I know that all sounds boring. So very vanilla. Not kinky at all. It hardly makes for good blogging or wank-off material for your readers. But it isn’t boring when you begin to experience it. It is wonderful.

    As far as the chastity thing goes? I sense that you have pretty much reached a point where you would be just as happily devoted to Belle without it. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t still hot for the two of you. So I am not advocating that you give it up if it works that way for you. I’m just saying don’t let it define your relationship. The device doesn’t make the relationship, It isn’t that thing, that bit of steel, which forces you to serve and please Belle. The feeling in your breast and in your soul does that. And that is the only meaningful measure of what being a “true” submissive is all about.

    1. As usual, BT, you leave a lot to chew on…

      You must get your mind off of your penis to better understand where you were, where you are now, and what it is about your D/s relationship with Belle that you find so fulfilling and rewarding.

      I doubt I’ll ever be able to do that. There is a hard wire running from my brain to the cock (and, by association, the device). During those times when I’ve felt the signal running along that line weaken, I’ve found myself depressed and unmotivated.

      I think what you describe is an ideal I should strive toward, but I’m just too selfish to imagine myself getting there any time soon. That said, the way I am now is very different than I was a year ago, so who knows.

      1. An efect of the enforced chastity is that it reallocated one important defining measure of your relationship, which was the idea of having regular sex with a beautiful mate (a very typical male perspective,) and allowed in its place a sense of devotion and mutual commitment to flourish. (A very un-male perspective.)

        It is a crazy paradox: Locking up your penis is born of kinky sexual desires and so it focuses your mind onto sex, but in the end it serves to remove the focus of the relationship from actually having sexual intercourse. And strangely enough it turns out that is pretty darn sexy. And it was all a indispensable step to allow the joy of your loving marriage to grow to hitherto unimagined levels of happiness and personal satisfaction.

        See, this is exactly the kind of sappy bullshit (excuse me) that I’m trying to get away from.

        First of all, sex with an attractive partner appeals to men *and* to women. Trust me on this one.

        Second, it’s my contention that enforced chastity is merely a secondary tool in the process of developing a better relationship. If Thumper had a desire to rebuild antique cars in his garage, and Belle eventually bought some overalls and joined him under the hood, then *that* would have served equally as well.

        Well, *almost* as well, because Thumper probably would not have spent half his adult life feeling ashamed of his impulses to tune up an MG.

        Point being that it’s more likely that the shared and enjoyed activities which bring partners closer, the more intimate the better.

        Third, while I can’t speak for Thumpie, I can tell you that my wife and I have plenty of sex – mainly intercourse – and trust me, the focus is on the sex. Hot, close, thrusting, pounding, sore-in-the-morning sex.

        Let’s please stop making more of of “enforced” chastity that it actually is: a sex role-play game. It’s fun, sexy, and it can lead people to explore intimacy, but it does not create the intimacy itself. That takes effort on *both* partners.

  4. Billus :
    two men in chastity devices discussing how it (and the whole denial process) makes them feel – and they agree to disagree!

    You know why, right? That “submissive” thing keeps us from actually arguing about it :-\

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