Alchemy

Belle’s out of town again.

“But Thumper,” you say, “It sure does seem like she’s out of town a lot. Leaving you alone. All alone.”

Why yes, it does seem that way, doesn’t it? That’s very perceptive of you to notice. In reality, she’s been traveling a lot less over the past year or so, but it’s true that she does get away more often than others might. Well, more often than me. This time, she’s off visiting her best friend in San Francisco again. It’s her birthday present.

Back in the old days, every night of her absence would be a semen-drenched orgy of frenzied masturbation for me. I’d do all manner of unspeakable things to myself and wipe away copious amounts of sticky white goo. More recently, her trips have been defined by mass consumption of pornography resulting in little more than a painfully tight chastity tube, a swollen prostate (with occasional dribbling leaks), and sleeplessness. This trip, though, has been different. For the last two nights, I’ve just watched TV and then gone to sleep. I am horny and I do have all kinds of hormone-induced thoughts tripping through my head, but it’s manifesting differently this time. I’m not saying tonight won’t be the night I binge on porn, but the few times I’ve started I’ve lost interest fairly quickly. I’m still posting to the Portfolio and enjoying many of the images I’m sorting through, but that’s a different kind of activity with a different objective. Can’t say what’s behind the new behavior. Just observing.

The time out of the device on our trip and how that made me feel (resentful, annoyed), combined with being back in now (happy, contendly frustrated), has allowed to me appreciate exactly how much I feel it’s been integrated into my life and our relationship. It’s not just a sex toy anymore. Emotionally and physically, I feel as though this hunk of steel between my legs completes me. It’s a potent symbol of my connection to Belle and of her acceptance of (and even enthusiasm for) my sexuality. It represents our intimacy and the new dynamic that has permeated our life. It may not be trendy to invest it with such power, but it’s how I feel.

I feel so strongly about this that lately I’ve been wondering what it would be like to wear it forever (except, of course, for those infrequent moments of inspection and hygiene and for those times Belle wanted to use its contents). I don’t really think of it as a separate thing anymore. I don’t consider the inconveniences it causes. This is just how I am. Feeling resentful of the device and its impact on my everyday life would be like feeling resentful for having to eat. Or breath. I honestly want it on me 99.95% of the time (which would leave me 4 and a third hours a year for maintenance and attention to Belle’s desire – plenty of time). I actually think that’s possible, assuming the Steelworxx is occasionally substituted for the CB6K when required by Federal law.

I’m also thinking about what an essentially orgasmless existence would be like. I’m over two months from my last orgasm and am doing fine, so in practice I’m already there. I’m conditioned now to be able to go a really long time. What if I only came two or three times a year? I could manage that. I almost have to if I want to feel truly denied. A couple weeks just doesn’t cut it anymore.

So now, I’m very horny (sometimes, suddenly and distractingly so). But I like that. I want both that and for it to continue indefinitely. It’s the chastity paradox. On the one hand, craving the device. The control. The craving itself. On the other, astonishingly clear fantasies of shooting hot, thick ropes of ejaculate up and onto my chest and stomach (and, if I’m very lucky, even my face). Feeling the draw of her pussy, like a glowing orb, as I’m laying next to her in the reflected afterglow of her orgasm. Feeling the phantom sensation of its warm wet folds grasping a free erection, beating and throbbing with my heart. But that’s not for me. While I want it badly, I don’t get it. Don’t really want it. The way I think of it, I want to come and to fuck and to jack-off but I need to be denied. To always feel her will over mine. To know I’m always in check.

I don’t pretend that the device itself is the source of these feelings. It’s a tool like any other. I have ascribed upon it a lot of emotional energy, but it’s nothing more than Belle’s implement. I can’t promise the same kinds of feelings will come over someone else. This entire situation is the result of how the device has interacted with Belle and I. It has worked its alchemy upon us, but in a way that’s unique to us because we’re unique.

I know I’m being insufferably romantic about this. There are clearer heads out there who see though all the wawa mysticism. But the wawa stuff is mine and I’m not letting go.

14 thoughts on “Alchemy

  1. “I know I’m being insufferably romantic about this. There are clearer heads out there who see though all the wawa mysticism. But the wawa stuff is mine and I’m not letting go.”

    Not insufferable at all. The wawa stuff *is* the stuff!! Without it, what’s left is a descriptive narrative… *yawn*.

    Ferns

  2. It may not be trendy to invest it with such power, but it’s how I feel.

    Ferns sort of beat me to this – I’m not saying that you shouldn’t invest it with power. I am saying that such power is only symbolic, and that you (or anyone else) create your own “reality” around it.

    Believe me, I understand how you feel about it (mostly) and even agree (to some extent). I’m just suggesting that people should stop insisting that their own reality is, in fact, real for everybody.

  3. It’s always with pleasure that I read your entries :p
    I left for a while these white pages but suddenly chastity came back to my mind…
    my owner wants to put me in a CB6000 and I found my way back here searching some info on it.
    what you describe is what I hope for me too. it’s kinda difficult to explain but the mixture of denial and horniness is something I experimented too and I loved it.
    the chastity paradox indee :p

    p.s. I added you to my links so I won’t lose you anymore. hope you don’t mind 😉

  4. I have a question that I don’t mean to sound negative or annoying. But if MY “owner” offered me only four hours of access to his cock a YEAR? I would go insane. I know you have all sorts of concerns about “is this what Belle really wants” going on, and I don’t mean to raise those monsters for you. But I’m curious about whether Belle feels she’s suffering from the lack of access to the, uh, meat. Could you speak to that at all?

    1. Last time it was available and I offered it up, she declined and chose the normal way I make her come. That said, I do think she wants it more than she gets it. I suspect she knows how hard I am on myself when I come accidentally and chooses alternate means. If I could install a button that would disconnect all sensation from it while she’s enjoying it, I would. Of course, it really bothers me to think she’s not getting everything she wants.

      Also, keep in mind this is just me talking. I don’t decide when I’ll be unlocked or when she’ll fuck me or when I’ll come. Ultimately, it’s all up to her and any issues I have are entirely mine. I only ask that she communicate with me when she takes these actions so I know exactly what’s expected of me and so I’m reassured that she’s being thoughtful about it.

  5. What Sera said. I need the sex to connect and it’s not the same, if I can’t feel him inside me. I’m just thinking, and only from my perspective, that I would want love making to be about sharing something. The other one thinking about baseball would make me feel small and disconnected. But I can’t even think about giving PIV up altogether.

    I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself, but you of course need to be, or otherwise you’d be shooting your load. I understand that Belle might feel a little guilty for your bad feelings about coming when not allowed – or if not guilty, then just plain bad.

    But couldn’t all be fixed with the right punishments? Or is it too hard on you, possibly losing your subbie vibe, if you come?

    Otherwise, I now read your whole journey from start to finish, and am moved. Really. Somewhere you had doubts of writing about your ever changing emotions, but I really say, that that’s what let me in on your kink (which is not my kink). You talking so openly, honestly and so very eloquently about the doubts and cravings you have, have led me to realize how much we have in common – that what we need is not that different even though the means are.

    You have done a huge service for all the “submissively inclined” men and women out there, who might stumble upon your blog. I know, because I’m one of them. Maybe more will be GGG even for chastity, and I’m sure that more will understand the dynamics, feelings and thoughts behind submission and masochism, if they bother to read you through. I mean, I, at first, had my doubts about chastity etc. and now my world view has completely changed thanks to you.

    So thanks, Thumper. Sometimes it’s a good thing not being able to put things into words in real life.

    1. I need the sex to connect and it’s not the same, if I can’t feel him inside me. I’m just thinking, and only from my perspective, that I would want love making to be about sharing something.

      I think your definition of “sex” is somewhat limited. Belle and I have had some amazing sex – very satisfactory for both of us – that never involved a penis. We *do* share something very profound when we make love now, even if she doesn’t fuck me. Even if I stay locked up during the entire event.

      The other one thinking about baseball would make me feel small and disconnected.

      To that, all I can say is that chances are very good that, at some point, your partner was thinking about something else while fucking you. Maybe it was to hold off on climaxing too soon, maybe it was because he had shit on his mind, maybe it was because he had a hot thought in the middle of everything he needed to explore. I think it’s a fallacy to think one’s lovemaking partner is thinking elusively about them every second they’re having sex. That shouldn’t lessen the value of the sex because I think it happens all the time.

      I need to run, but I plan on responding to the rest if your comment. And I promise, I won’t be arguing with you during the whole thing,

      1. Oh, damnit. I’m sorry for being an ass. Now that that’s out of the way…

        I think your definition of “sex” is somewhat limited.

        You’re of course right. I do struggle from a very limited view of “sex”, and it has been a really big issue, also. (I’m trying to write it out in my own blog, so I won’t encumber your comments more with it.) But I think, or I’d like to think, or after reading you I thought, that you have struggled with the same thing yourself (not necessarily in a same way, of course). Because you’ve had a lifetime of sexuality, and yet you found out in the last few years, what really is essential to your sexual fulfillment. I’m 10 years younger, but still, have had a sexuality and a perception of my sexuality as something really limiting and rigid, until now. I’m still fighting off those old perceptions. But I’m really trying.

        But maybe that’s why your response feels so… defencive? It hurt my feelings, but I can see that I started it. I’m sorry. I was in no way trying to say that your sex life was inferior in that or any respect. Hey, you’re the one putting up all those hot sex posts through many years. You got nothing to prove. I, on the other hand…

        But what I meant when I said I need to feel my lover inside me (and all over me) is essentially, what I’ve understood that Belle wants. Namely the skin contact, the other one’s heart beats, the real you. That’s why the dildos and strap-ons wouldn’t do the trick for her (I guess), and for me it’s the same. For me, I understand it as an act of love to want your (well, for me, of course WB’s) touch, and that nothing else will really do. And you’ve ironically remarked on it on some occations, that why must you be so irreplaceable. That’s just it. You are. 🙂

        We *do* share something very profound when we make love now, even if she doesn’t fuck me.

        Yes. That’s what’s been so eye-opening. And yet still, I have my own hang-ups and/or exeptations, and trying to name them wasn’t meant to tick you off.

        – – chances are very good that, at some point, your partner was thinking about something else while fucking you.

        I’m sure he is. I used to be unable to climax without thinking something completely different while making love, so maybe I’m coming to this discussion from an unexpected angle. And maybe the way you put it (baseball) into words in many of your posts was kind of intimidating, for me. Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of. That he is actually thinking something else, and now, that I’m no longer allowing myself to slip away to fantasy island, I’m really scared that he might be. (?)

        It really is frightening to be this open about your sexuality, especially when it’s all you thought that (normal) sexuality would be. It’s a constant possible heartbreak.

        I think it’s a fallacy to think one’s lovemaking partner is thinking elusively about them every second they’re having sex.

        Is it? Nowadays I don’t think about anything at all, because we’re playing the fantasies out. I really don’t know. Maybe it’s impossible too keep it up. Look, we still have 10 years and two kids to go, hopefully. I just hope we’re as lucky as you and Belle.

        I mean it.

    2. I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself, but you of course need to be, or otherwise you’d be shooting your load.

      I think what it comes down to is whether or not being allowed to come actually means anything. In the past, when I’ve come when not allowed, she’s tended to shrug it off. Well, if it’s not that big a deal, then what’s the point? For me, it’s such an intregal part of being a human male that to not do it is a Really Big Deal. It’s not that I want her to feel guilty if I feel bad. On the contrary, I kinda sorta want her to make me feel *worse*.

      I now read your whole journey from start to finish…

      I admit that when I read that I get kind of nervous. It’s like I’m afraid someone’s going to see my inconsistencies and emotional waffling and see that I really don’t have any idea what I’m doing here.

      Then again, I suppose it could also mean (and actually does) that I’m nothing if not honest about what I’m going through at any given moment and that I don’t have an agenda I’m trying to push. I’m just putting my thoughts down as they come, good bad and ugly. If, along the way, someone is interested enough to read them (or be entertained or actually learn something), then I’m happy. I very glad you found something worthwhile here.

      1. For me, it’s such an intregal part of being a human male that to not do it is a Really Big Deal.

        And for me, as a woman, it is too! I really did mean it sincerely, when I asked about the orgasm denial for women in the questionnaire. I am almost uncapable of understanding what you go through, even when you’ve described it with such emotional honesty. It still is meaningful to me, and I do try to tackle it from my own perspective.

        It occured to me, just now, that maybe you don’t see it, but you are no n00b anymore, and you’ve come so far from where you started. I know, because I read your whole blog, and it’s pretty self-evident. There’s no need for you to be nervous, although I perfeclty understand your feelings. I’m asking assinine questions, because I am a n00b, and just starting to try to figure things out for myself. I do feel stupid for it, and also ashamed of my exhibitionism, but on the other hand, there really is no other way to talk about these things, than to be spesific and honest.

        But as I, maybe somewhat influenced by your descriptions, stopped masturbating (I had already stopped consuming porn to that end) and expecting sex and – in the end – demanding orgasms from WB, I noticed a huge difference in only a weeks time. I am more loving, caring and listening. Our relationship is vastly better if I’m like this. And, for a reason I still don’t understand, as a result we have more sex than before.

        Also, I totally get your point that not coming has to mean something. Yeah.

        On the contrary, I kinda sorta want her to make me feel *worse*.

        This is my key. It is hot.

  6. Thumper,

    That is the MOST WONDERFUL POST! Absolutely fantastic! It captures the essence of the journey, and the relationship, and the intimacy of the D/s dynamic incredibly beautifully! If there was only ONE post I could show to an uninitiated someone who wanted to understand what it is all about to be a submissive male with a loving partner, this one would be it!

    BRAVO!

    Rogue Bambi,

    You are so right. Thumper is no longer a newbie. I am a number of years older than him, and I have been in the D/s lifestyle longer. One reason I love his blog so much is because his writing captures the emotional aspects of a growing D/s relationship so genuinely and so well. Excellent and honest writing about the feelings one goes through on this journey. Both the good stuff and the difficult stuff. But most importantly, the surprising stuff. Like this last post. Could he have possibly anticipated he would feel this way two years ago before his journey started? Or even 10 months ago? I don’t doubt that he could have read about it and perhaps even thought about it, but could he have really imagined how it would actually feel? How sexy and rewarding and warm and wonderful and happy his D/s relationship with Belle makes them both? And all that without mind-blowing, over the top, kinky sex and head exploding orgasms as the central purpose of the whole exercise?

    I doubt it. There is no way he could have really known what he would be feeling now.

    That is because the sex drive, the sexual element, is central to it all, but PIV sex is not. That is a paradox, I know, but it is also the truth. And a truth about that particular paradox is that you can’t get to Thumper and Belle’s state of contentment unless you take the journey through the sexual side of your relationship. The kinky stuff, the weird stuff, the fun stuff, and the frustrating stuff. You need to go through it all to know that underneath it all there really is is something more.

    From the perspective of having traveled very similar steps I tried to be encouraging to Thumper in my comments to keep delving deeper into the emotional depths of his D/s relationship. To look for the essence of it; to get past thinking of the kink as an end and to realize that it is only a means to an end. I sensed that by doing so he and Belle would find great rewards. Rewards beyond orgasms. Rewards greater than wild between-the-sheets action. Emotional rewards of a profound nature. I am now 100% certain that he and Belle will soon surpass my own experiences, and I will be looking to Thumper and this blog for glimpses about what may lie just beyond my understanding. And with a certain amount of envy as well!

    My journey took my partner and I more than a decade. There was no such thing as the internet or blogosphere to help guide us, or to give me clues of what to strive for, or hints of what we might expect as pitfalls. And frankly the social stigma of getting caught doing anything sexually out of the main steam was a lot higher than it is now, making each step far riskier than it is today. Thumper and Belle have accomplished the same path in about two years.

    You, Rogue Bambi, seem to be just beginning the journey. You too will find your way.

    Do not worry about it for one second. From the sorts of questions you are asking I sense you are a natural for this life. What is meant to be will be. But I don’t think there are any short cuts. Each step is an important one.

    Just go be yourself, enjoy the journey and do not become distracted by other people telling you what you are “supposed” to be doing or feeling. The only thing you need to do is what comes naturally to you and your partner at the moment, which for you right now includes PIV. But what you desire and how you desire it will evolve over time. That EVOLUTION of what you want, (all plural “you’s” here,) whether it happens slowly as it did for me, or quickly as it did for Belle and Thumper, IS the journey. That IS the path to the essence of your sexuality and to your self-enlightenment as a D/s couple and which makes this journey so rewarding. Do not be impatient, rather enjoy it. Savor each step. It is part of the joy of it all.

    BT

  7. BT, Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness.

    It’s really amazing to see how you can grow, when you give yourself a chance to question your sexuality, and you have someone loving to do it with. (Hi, Belle!) The normative approach is so rigid, that I wonder does it really fit anyone. Either way, Thumper’s shown me a great example of what’s possible. I’m pretty sure the ups and downs aren’t that different, even if the d/s dynamic is. I guess, I feel less insecure about the exploration altogether and also about the possible and probably inevitable rough spots. I think my biggest problem has been that I didn’t feel I fitted in the BDSM crowd, but I got rebuffed from the vanilla crowd, too. It’s like discovering I’m a bisexual all over again. Always in the gray area, never fitting in.

    I can’t even imagine what it must’ve been like, when d/s was even more stigmatized than today. And all the incredulous power imbalances the vanilla world harbors, the hurt the strict and unforgiving perception of sexuality and its means have caused us. Well, me anyway.

    It’s also a very good point, that Thumper’s journey’s rewarding nature is here for all to see – and it’s pretty obvious that kind of happiness can only come from real, shared intimacy and honesty – and it’s a statement in and on itself. Those, I think, are what everyone should strive for in their relationship, even if it’s not d/s. Thumper’s just shown us, that a healthy relationship can be what I never deemed possible. It’s oddly liberating.

    I am much happier now, after reading Thumper’s blog and starting my own. After I’ve circled the BDSM blogs for quite some time now (a year or so) trying to understand what I’m feeling, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just gonna have to try it out. Be honest and brave. Listen.

    I’m glad there are people like you, who care enough to support someone going through something that’s old news to you. And I’m glad there’s Thumpie.

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