Yesterday, over on Sarah Jameson’s Male Chastity Lifestyle list (of which, to be a member, you need to buy her guide to male chastity [which I think is worth your investment if you’re interested in the subject {OK, no more nested parathesis, I promise}]), the following question perked my interest:

Sarah has written about the behavioral changes that occur in a men and the consequent changes in a relationship because of denial. The state of denial is facilitated, if not made possible, by a chastity device.

Would anyone care to comment on the possibility that these changes could become permanent, no longer requiring a device. That is, could a man get to a state in which he voluntarily allowed his wife/lover/SO complete control of his orgasms? Would this be desirable?

I supposed, were I a good member of that list, I’d make my response there, but I’m not going to. (Imagine me with my thumbs in my ears, fingers waving about, and tongue sticking out.)

First things first regarding this question. I don’t believe the premise is quite right. That is, changes do not occur in the relationship or the man just because of the denial. The denial is, itself, one of those changes and provides the catalyst for further changes. I don’t question that our relationship has been impacted due to the integration of orgasm control, but the real precipitating event was that we became close enough and open enough with each other that the control of my orgasm was even a possibility. I think a lot of men confuse how the cause and effect works which leads to a lot of frustrated (in the bad way) people who believed orgasm control to be a panacea of relationship bliss.

So anyway, he goes on to say that denial is facilitated and even made possible because of a device. That’s how it was for me, yes. I very much needed the device to make my denial possible. I was so turned on by the prospect and so far removed from the mechanics of my own orgasm that I could barely control myself. Also, I said that the cock belonged to Belle, but when I had access to it, I didn’t act or even think that way. Had it not been for the device, I don’t know that it ever would have worked. That said, there are guys who don’t use a device and don’t seem to need it. Everybody’s different.

Now, though, I very much feel in my heart the things I wanted to feel two+ years ago when we started this. The changes the questioner refers to have been integrated into me to such an extent that the device is not, strictly speaking, necessary to maintain Belle’s control. In the beginning, I wanted her to control me, but didn’t really feel it. Now, I really do. Deeply.

For instance. You will read a lot of guys out there who want their partners to deny them more than their partners might want to. I was one of them (as anyone who’s read this blog long enough will know). When she told me I could come, I was disappointed. It never seemed long enough. Orgasms even left me depressed. Even though I had given her control and said I wanted her to control it, I felt she wasn’t doing it right.

Now, my attitude is totally different. I embrace my desire to come and will happily take whatever she gives me whenever that happens. In fact, I’ve kind of flipped around in that I want to come, and will tell her so, with a genuine hope that she’ll let me. I admit that there’s still a desire inside me to be denied by her for a very long time, but it’s driven by my need to demonstrate to her that I’ll endure whatever it is she asks me to. And even though I want to come badly most of the time, I still get a bigger thrill from her saying no. In essence, I’ve allowed myself to arrive at a place where I win either way.

Which, I guess, gets back to the second part of his question. I have gotten to the point he describes. Belle now has complete control over my orgasm and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I will niggle a bit with the “could a man get to a state in which he voluntarily allowed his wife/lover/SO complete control of his orgasms” part because, of course, all of this is voluntary. Yes, Belle locks an inescapable steel device onto my body, but it’s not there against my will and never was. Chastity and orgasm control/denial are only involuntary in the porn stories (as hot as they are).

To summarize, my answers to his questions are “yes” and “yes”.

6 thoughts on “Permanence

  1. The question that came to my mind when I read that post was, how much does the device reinforce the behavior and how necessary is it for reinforcement? I think chastity, when practiced over time, can become a habit or to use another word, lifestyle change. What I wonder is, how permanent is it, especially in the absence of a device? As an example, when I was going through my walking phase, I was a fanatical walker–either outside or on the treadmill that we bought. Then I got plantar fasciitis in my foot, walking was painful, and I stopped. The PF finally resolved (one year later) but by that time, I was out of the walking habit and have not gotten back to it–8 years later. It is this experience (and that’s just one example) that makes me wonder about the permanence of chastity. You have said, somewhat jokingly, I am sure, that you anticipate wearing a device in the nursing home. Even so, that suggests, at one level, that you *do* need the device to reinforce the behavior. Could you be a honor system permanent chastity lifestyle guy? Or is the device an important part of the mix?


  2. An interesting thought. My 2ps worth: I’ve recently tried the PA-5000 which fits very comfortably (mostly) with no strain in the balls: However, this felt like ‘cheating’ as I didn’t know it was there most of the time, and I didn’t get any of the ‘slightly aroused all the time’ feelings I got with a CB-6000. So for me, a comparitive newbie, the device is kind of necessary to get into it. Interesting idea that I could one day do without. These days I’m mostly on the honesty system, which works but isn’t nearly so intense. This is a similar place but because I’ve never been locked for more than a few days, I don’t feel at all submissive.

  3. I look forward to reading blog because I think you provide such an interesting insight on male chastity within a loving relationship. I finally had to come out from lurking, however, to let you know that every time I think of your over-nested parentheses in this entry, I giggle. You’ve tickled my inner grammar nerd; thanks! 🙂

  4. No device needed here. I am and have always been on the “honor system”. So you may understand the dynamics or our relationship, allow me to elaborate:

    My wife and I kind of stumbled upon sexual denial as an incidental to her indulging in ethical non-monogamy which was established long before we were married. If my wife was planning a “date” she would not allow me to ejaculate inside her anytime within 24 hours before, so she would be “fresh” for her lover. Douches were out of the question as she does not like them and washing out her vagina’s natural secretions tended to set her up for UTI’s. At first she made me use a condom, but she has never been a fan of condoms either so I was essentially restricted until after she recovered from her tryst. (FYI: I am exclusive to her only.) In time, my wife got to liking having sex and not having to get up out of bed and deal with the “mess” if she was tired, so she often had me pull out and cum in a sock when we had sex at bedtime.

    Then a complication arose to firmly set us on our present course, I began to suffer from extreme premature ejaculation. We are talking about not even getting inside her before POOF! Game over. She grew to intensely resent the idea that I was the only one getting satisfaction from penetrative sex, so she began to make me go longer and longer without cumming inside her.This worked for me as I felt selfish about cumming inside her with her left hanging. That was the beginning of her enjoyment of sexually dominating me. She began to enjoy telling me “No!” if I asked for sex and she was not “in the mood”.

    Seeing my wife’s beautiful naked body or touching her intimately has always tended to get me aroused to the point of wanting what, by then, had become pretty one-sided sex, so, to avoid my beggin to be inside her, she began limiting my seeing her nakedness and began to prohibit me from touching her breasts, genital area, or butt, without her permission. She noticed a pattern was developing: when I was sexually denied and prohibited sexual access to her body, I became more submissive to her and more romantic as well. She increasingly enjoyed my increased devotion and submission to her. So the times of sexual denial got longer and longer, until it was counted in months.

    Things progressed until finally we made a formal schedule in which she allows me to have penetrative/ejaculatory intercourse with her only four times per year: our anniversary, Valentine’s Day, my birthday, and Christmas Day. I am not allowed to see her nude or even semi-nude (bottomless or topless) other than those four days per year, or when she desires satisfaction-and even then she may require me to wear a blindfold when giving her oral sex. I must knock when entering the bedroom or bathroom and my wife requires me to strictly respect her modesty and bathroom privacy. I am not allowed to touch her intimately at all without her permission, which is on a very limited basis. (Which I think is sooo damn cool because it is as if we are continually dating again!) Every kiss, every touch, every time I do get the opportunity to be intimate with her is like the very first time. No! Even better!

    My wife was impressed that every step of the way, as she ever more severely restricted and controlled all matters of our sex, romance increased, and my devotion and submission to her steadily grew. Eventually she made me ask for her permission to masturbate, and at that point her control over my sex was total.
    My wife has always believed in the divine feminine, female-centric, and female empowerment philosophies so it was no giant leap that not so long after she assumed sexual control we also began steps toward establishing what is sometimes referred to as a “female-led relationship”. Almost immediately we both knew in our hearts and souls that this was the way “we” were meant to be. For my part, it is beautiful and breathtaking to be submissive to a loving but strong woman! And she absolutely basks in being the subject of my devoted service and being the one in authority in our marriage.

    A few months ago, my wife and I had a romantic afternoon ceremony in which I vowed to love, honor, respect and obey her, be submissive to her desires, and follow her lead in our marriage. She in turn accepted my vows of submission and pledged to lead with love, thoughtfulness and for the betterment of our marriage. Now neither of us could be happier. My wife has adopted the title of “MIstress” of the house and I show my respect by referring to her as “Ma’am” in conversation, both in private and in public. She practices domestic discipline and will not hesitate to use her paddle or strap if I disobey or disrespect her or if I am too lax with my responsibilities. I am not ashamed that our closest friends know of her dominance and my submission to my wife both in and out of the bedroom. (Hmmm…? Maybe one day in our society “Ma’am” will become the new “Honey”.)

    What we have goes far beyond mere role-play, or kink, or fetish. It is a real and vital part of who we are as a couple and neither of us would ever want to go back to our old way of relating. In our opinion, once a man makes a true and real commitment to submit and to hand over sexual control to his wife, no device or lock-down should be required. Besides, if I was locked up and wanted to “cheat”, application of her powerful Hitachi Wand to the cage would get me off in a mere few seconds. But I do understand the need some men have for symbols as part of their “thing”. I like (but do not necessarily need) symbols too. I think they are a nice touch, so as a tangible and visible reminder of my submission and her dominance, I wear a leather and silver bracelet inscribed with three Chinese symbols meaning: “servant” or “slave”, and, “one bent over”, and, “loving until it hurts”; at home, I usually wear a pair of “submissive shorts” that she selected for me, and a cute collar that I chose.

    So sexually, I am on the honor system and I am so very proud to say that ever since my wife took control of my genitals and our sex, I have never once slipped and have never masturbated to ejaculation without her express permission. My sexual fantasies revolve around touching, pleasing, and making love to my own wife. (How cool is that!?)

    Yes, my wife holds the key to my sex, but it is a spiritual key rather than a metal key.

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