High anxiety

I was supposed to be driving right now. The plan was for me to be leaving on a week long trip into the wilderness (literally — no plumbing, phone, roads, etc.), but I’m not going. The reasons are complicated.

Purportedly, and for all the world knows, it’s a work thing that’s held me back. That is arguably the truth. I can even convince myself that’s what happened too, though I know it’s not the whole truth. To be sure, sticking around would make things better at work (mostly for other people, not me), but had I wanted to go badly enough, I could have made it work. But I didn’t. I mean, part of me really did. But…complicated.

For the past several years, I’ve noticed the idea of leaving Belle and home has made me feel very unsettled. I’d even use the word anxious. Angsty. Nervous. Emotional. All of the above. Nothing about it feels healthy and there’s nothing she’s been able to say to make me feel any better about it. This does not happen the other way around. I don’t like it when she goes away, but if I’m left home, it’s all good. I can handle it. It’s only when I leave, for any reason and for any amount of time (though the longer the time, the worse the anxiety). I’ve been able to recognize the issue but have been clueless about the cause. And, as I said, it’s been getting progressively worse.

So, even though there were people counting on me and the plans for this trip have been set for months and months, I have been really itching to not go. I’d say my mood has been affected for three weeks thinking about it. It just loomed out there sucking in all my energy. When the work issue came up, my mind immediately latched onto it as a plausible reason to cancel. It is plausible, but it’s not insurmountable. But I took it anyway. And now, while I’m greatly relieved to not be going, I feel really bad about letting my friends down and even disappointed that I won’t be there. Nope, nothing healthy about any of this.

It occurred to me the other day that this may be caused by the denial of my orgasms. The brain chemistry behind sex and mating and desire is fucking potent and one of the main reasons to practice denial, I think, is how it motivates one to be so attached and attracted and focused on one’s partner. Belle is more than the controller of my orgasms, she becomes the proxy for most of my real-life erotic urges (not counting the few days each month I see Drew which are simultaneously different but the same in ways I can’t explain). I don’t want to orgasm, but I desperately want to feel the desire to and that desire is totally focused on her (that part is very different with Drew — I never want to come in, on, or around him). Beyond that, she’s the sole arbiter of when I even get to feel pleasure from the penis which is such a basic and foundationally wired thing for a guy. We play with our penises from nearly the time we’re born. But now it’s not there and I’m not allowed and my higher brain does everything it can to control my base urges and live up to that expectation because all that, every bit, is focused on her.

On these trips, which I take maybe three times a year when I’m able, I sometimes stay locked up the whole time, but more often I don’t. I’ve written recently about how I resent external forces making me come out of a device. Anything that, for whatever reason, supersedes Belle’s wishes. That’s at least part of the deal here, but not the whole thing.

So what I’m left wondering is can this go too far? Can all the good forces of denial become so powerful they become problems? An even more interesting question is, do I care? Or, more precisely, at what point does it become such an issue that I have to care?

What I mean by, “Do I care?” is essentially an extension of the risk/reward thing I wrote about yesterday. Everything has consequences, real or imagined or potential. If one of the consequences of being otherwise very happily denied orgasm means I have this ostensibly unhealthy attachment to my wife, is that an acceptable negative for all the good we both feel comes from me not coming? This is the first time I’ve ever felt like I was close to wherever that line is.

Of course, I don’t know the denial has anything to do with my anxiety. One way to find out would be for Belle to let me come like crazy for a few days and see if the anxiety goes away. But I can’t bring myself to propose that (though, in the meta path that leads through blogging about one’s spouse where she can read it, in a way, I just did). Why? Because I don’t come. I don’t ask if I can come. I don’t want to come. I like myself better when my own orgasm is distant, both in memory and potential. Every single bit of me is so invested in this dynamic that I don’t know I’d ever be able to climb over it on my own. And now, by letting my work issues intercede, I don’t need to.

I don’t have a neat conclusion to this and I can’t know the answers to my question. I know that since making the decision to bail, I have felt more than a little depressed because there was no good choice and none that would make me feel better. And I have no idea if any of this is wired into my kinks or not.

7 thoughts on “High anxiety

  1. I have the exact same feelings about leaving the Nerd lately. We had an almost dead bedroom for a long time and it never bothered me to pack up the kids and go spend a week or two with family or friends. Now? I don’t even want to do it for a weekend. We’ve worked our way back to a really great place over the last six months. Our sex life is better, more fulfilling, kinkier, fun, etc. Life in general is just better. I thought that was the reason why I hated being gone from him for a weekend last month. I’m roughly the same age as you so now that I’ve read your post, I’m wondering if this is an age thing too. I don’t know. We don’t practice any chastity or denial so that’s different, but everything else you describe about an impending trip is spot on. Weird. Be sure to post if you figure this out. I hate it too.

    1. Last summer, seperate vacations. Took me three days to settle down. Thought it was just me. Thanks both for making . feel little better about it.

  2. Have you considered a couple of sessions with a (sex-positive, obviously) therapist about this? Sometimes that can help.

    1. To be clear, I mean possibly help with the anxiety and possibly just help you sort out how you feel about the anxiety. Whichever.

  3. This is my job each day so know that you are not unusual in your feelings. If you and Belle had a vanilla relationship and you had these issues I would talk with you about codependency and the issues that go with that. But, since you are In a dependent relationship by choice, it’s pretty natural when it’s separation due to something like you described where you have options and have had past issues.

    My advice is that this is normal at this stage and don’t kick yourself. But, if this makes you block or hate something you look forward to like seeing family, friends, events, or even work, then you may need to talk with someone which is not the end of the world but my advice is never let yourself back out of those because you will have fun and potential to damage relationships exceeds the need to be home. Plus, you need to allow yourself to know you can do it.

    As for not feeling it when you are not there because you are with Drew, my suspicion is that that is so approved and you know you won’t have to unlock your safety device, your mind allows you to relax and enjoy the gift your wife arranged for you (didn’t she set you up with Drew? I’m new but love that part).

    I hope you have relaxed now. It’s very normal.

    Katie

  4. I have noticed it happen before to those on the sub side of the slash, (both female and male partners) and they put it down to the sense of security that comes with a defined place and role, (chastity wasn’t an active element either).

  5. I am the D in my D/s.The Wife. My anxiety is off the charts right now from separation. I heard it’s a full moon today but I dont get into all of that… all I know is it’s the security of him, the safeness I feel from him and I know he is safe with me, His care that I miss…it’s better than anything and I don’t want to miss one moment of it. The truth of it all maybe in Sternberg’s Triangular love theory…you may simply be in love with your wife on a deeper, intimate level like never before. Remember riding a scary roller coaster, it’s fun, it’s contained but that anxiety that fills the belly? Then think about seeing someone you love…that swooping feeling in the belly just like the roller coaster caused? I feel like mine is rooted there. You know the Christine McVie song “Songbird” from the Fleetwood Mac Rumors album? yeah…I hear what Christine was saying there.

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