As I said in my last post, I’ve been out of the Steelheart due to a chemically burned penis. I’m back in now with nary a complaint from the healing wound so things are pretty much back to normal.
But, being out this morning allowed me to make an observation as I got out of bed. Sitting on the edge of the mattress with a stiffy between my legs I noticed that the dent in the erectile tissue put there by the Steelheart is both apparently permanent and quite obvious. I mean, if a week’s worth of unrestricted erections didn’t do anything to lessen the dent, it will apparently need more out time than it’s likely to get to go away. Also, as I said, it’s pretty obvious. It’s like the penis is wearing a tiny little invisible belt around its middle.
Sitting there looking at it I realized I have complicated feelings about being dented. Even when I’m unlocked, even if I’m ever “set free,” my denied and controlled state will always be there. I may carry a physical reminder of chastity for the rest of my life. Every time I look at it, every time I or anyone else holds the hard shaft, it will be seen or felt. No getting around it. I’m marked as well as if I’d been tattooed.
A few days ago while getting ready to go to work, I took my wedding ring off while applying lotion or hair product or whatever. I left it in an unusual place and totally forgot to put it back on. I went to work without it and didn’t realize until I looked down and saw the dent in my finger where the ring usually goes.
Same kind of dent. Same reasons for being there.
Chastity and denial are just as much a commitment to Belle as my marriage vows were so it’s fitting that the two pieces of metal I wear as a result of both should leave me similarly marked. I feel just as weird when either of them are absent. I can’t imagine what life would be like without them and have no intention of finding out.
The dent on my finger doesn’t matter since the ring that made it is nearly always covering it up. The dent on the penis is only apparent when Belle wants it to be. And in those times, it’s a reminder to us both of how my commitment to her has left me altered, inside and out.