Five and five-eighths

Ranat over on Beyond the Hills posted a terrific rant entitled Big Cocks and Why They Are Stupid. Here’s a sample:

Oh, and let us segue into the idiotic myth of the infinitely stretchy continuum of the vagina that can somehow magically accommodate anything. Reality check: it ends. Ultimately, the vagina has a finite length. You hit the cervix, squeeze into the deep spots on the side, and you’re done. Can’t go any farther. I can only speak from personal experience, as I have not put anything up anyone else’s cunt but my own, but to tell you more about my internal proportions than you ever wanted to know, more than five inches? Impossible. Utterly. Five. Inches. Four on a sore day. Five and a quarter on a particularly stretchy day. Do you have any idea how annoying it is that the standard size for dildos is seven inches?!?!?

This tickles me for a number of reasons. First, it makes me recall a question once posited by my boyfriend in high school. I paraphrase, but it went something along the lines of since guys are so hung up on length, do you suppose girls sit around and talk about depth? He also says I at one time said my dick was bigger than his and I suppose I may have said this, but I honestly have no recollection of it, and besides, he’s extraordinarily well proportioned, so I don’t know why I’d make such a demonstrably wrong comment. Usually, when I say things that are wrong, I try to make them difficult if not impossible to prove. It’s kinda stupid to be laying in bed with a guy and say your boner’s longer than his when, well, they’re right there.

The other reason I find Ranat’s rant funny is I was just measuring my erect penis the other day. I know this sounds fishy, but I had a really good reason. As I’ve mentioned a few times, I’m seriously hung up on this idea that Belle will someday make me fuck her with a strap-on while I’m in chastity. To that end, I was dildo shopping and trying to find one that more or less matched my size (like Ranat, Belle is disinterested in a seven-inch wonder schlong). For those keeping score at home, this one’s not too far off.

Whilst measuring, I was surprised to find I was not as long as I thought I was. To the best of my recollection, I am six inches long. The handful of times I had measured before, I was always six inches on the nose (or whatever). This time, I was about five and five-eighths. I have to admit, this bothered me, even though Belle (the only person who really matters) finds it to be a perfect five and five-eighths. In fact, it’s been the perfect length for every women I’ve ever been with. I can even remember tickling a few cervixes, so anything more would have been too much, which is exactly what Ranat was saying to begin with. I’m also comforted by the fact that, according to Wikipedia, I am positioned at the very tip top of the bell curve when it comes to erect length and girth. Yay for normal distribution.

So, the old boyfriend’s question and Ranat’s post got me wondering what the average female depth is. Turns out the average aroused vagina is between five and six inches long. In other words, perfect for my Mr. Winky. But what’s really funny is how differently vaginal depth and penis length are discussed on Wikipedia. There is exactly one paragraph (that I could find) dealing with vaginal depth. And here it is:

The human vagina is an elastic muscular canal that extends from the cervix to the vulva. Although there is wide anatomical variation, the length of the unaroused vagina is approximately 6 to 7.5 cm (2.5 to 3 in) across the anterior wall (front), and 9 cm (3.5 in) long across the posterior wall (rear). During sexual arousal the vagina expands in both length and width. Its elasticity allows it to stretch during sexual intercourse and during birth to offspring. The vagina connects the superficial vulva to the cervix of the deep uterus.

Notice no mention of what the aroused state’s length is, just that it gets longer when wet. Keep in mind that that paragraph is just a small part of the main vagina article. Now, contrast that with the penis. Penis length has been dedicated an entire article all its own. It has ten (count ’em, ten) sections. How to measure the penis, studies on its size, its size at birth, how its size changes with age, differences between flaccid and erect lengths (with pictures), how to enlarge it through surgery, historical, modern, and popular perceptions of its size, etc., etc. I mean, come on guys! Obsess much?

Turns out, there is an approved way to measure one’s penis and I wasn’t using it the other day. It’s entirely possible I am six inches or I’m only five and a half. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Just like Mary Poppins, it’s practically perfect in very way.

The most effective chastity device

Over on Tom’s site, Miss Tease (the author of yesterday’s super-hot link) said this in a thread about the CB-6000:

…[T]he CBx000 series provide almost zero protection against masturbation. The vast majority of males seems to be able to pull out their penis of the device even when additional accessories such as points of intrigue are applied. Getting back into the device also does not seem to be a problem using a certain technique incorporating a nylon stocking or pantyhose. A potential solution could be a piercing, but this always bears the risk of migration or being ripped out of the wearer’s skin during physical activity.

Altogther, I would not call a device that can cause significant health problems while not fulfilling its intended purpose adequate. I agree that as a sex toy for beginners, the CBx000 devices make for a hot fantasy, I am just a little disappointed that they are so inadequate as real chastity devices.

While I greatly enjoy Miss Tease’s prose, I have a fundamental issue with her POV regarding chastity devices. What she seems to be looking for is the mythical undefeatable belt (you know, the one those guys are locked into against their will for years and years in all the hawt chastity p0rn). One that will never allow her man access to his wee-wee without her knowledge and frustrate his every attempt get it. I suppose an actual metal belt-type model would do this, but I’ve never seen one that didn’t cost north of $500 (and usually, well north).

For me, there seems to be two ways to cheat at “enforced” chastity. One is slipping out for a quick wank and then slipping back in with hopes no one noticed. The CB-X000’s, unmodified, certainly allow this, as, I suspect, do most of the other “trapped ball” devices out there. The other way to cheat is to physically defeat the device (cutting the lock, etc.). Regardless of the caliber of your device, there is a tool that will break it (and a lot of guys probably already own it). As far as I’m concerned, there’s not a huge difference in either scenario because the commitment to chastity isn’t made at the moment the device is placed on you. You have to bring that with you beforehand.

My best advice for Miss Tease (or anyone else, be they the keyholder or the locked) is to depend on the chastised male’s brain as the ultimate chastity device. The physical representation of the keyholder’s control hangs off your dick. The actual control exists between your ears. All any CB can be is a deterrent. It’s there to help you through moments of weakness or extreme arousal (or maybe even create moments of arousal), but none ever devised can absolutely guarantee denied access.

So, that said, where do I come down on the whole “the best chastised male is the one who doesn’t need a device” argument? Well, as usual, Tom’s got it covered pretty well. As he says, “Some of us just happen to kink on the physical restraint. It’s okay. Really.” That’s why I’m in it. Not because I can’t control myself, but because I like carrying her control around with me. It turns me on.

Which brings me back to Miss Tease (or, more specifically, her boyfriend). He shouldn’t wear it if it’s because he needs it. If he needs it, she’s already lost her control. If he wants it or likes it, bingo. If that’s the case, then she’s already got a lock on his mind and, as everyone knows, that’s the most dangerous sex organ of them all.

Go read this, part II

Not sure if it’s real or not (or if it really matters, ’cause it’s pretty frickin’ hot), but there’s a new blog called A year of teasing and denial. It’s written from the point of view of a woman supposedly allowing her boyfriend “only” 52 orgasms in 2009. While 52’s starting to seem like a ridiculously indulgent amount, it’s certainly fun to read.

Quick tip

Here’s a quick tip for all you other neophyte bloggers out there. Wanna draw a bunch of traffic to your site? Just make a post with the title “Fuck me”. Doesn’t matter if you actually want to be fucked (you could talk about strawberry preserves, if you wanted to), all that matters if that you say you do. They’ll be drawn to you like ants at a picnic.

To come or not to cum

So, I have to admit to always feeling kinda silly writing the word “cum”. Previously, it hasn’t really been an issue since I wrote it so infrequently. Now, though, I seem to be writing it…allthetime. I suppose there’s a Funk and Wagnalls for sexuality writing that specifies which I should use, but instead of referencing that, I thought I’d ask the gentle readers of my self-centered brain droppings.

626 v. 217

Over on The Glow Inside, I found this entry linking to one of those silly web quizzes that tells you something about yourself. Specifically, it attempts to quantify one’s sexual perversions and render a kinkiness score. My favorite of these kinds of things is this old chestnut that supposedly tells you how gay you are. According to a British television network, I am fairly gay, but my score seems to fluctuate wildly. Seems to me, the best way to find out how gay you are (as a male) is to ask how much you like sucking a cock or having it up your ass, but what do I know? That’d make for a pretty short quiz, I suppose.

In any event, Belle and I took the kink test. I scored somewhat higher than I expected with a 626 out of 1000 (a “Major League Kinkster”, apparently). It’s true that there are few things I’m not willing to try or are interested in, but my practical experience in many of them is limited. Guess I got a bunch of “A for effort”-type credit. I wasn’t sure Belle’d break 100, but she scored a whopping 217 which, they say, sweetly hints at her kinky nature. Belle’s immediate comment was, “Why are we together?” but I was really pretty enthused. I mean, sweetly hinting at a kinky side? Sounds good to me. At least there is a kinky side, right? Could have been a lot worse.

Oh, and by the way, we’re together because I’m deeply in love with her and can’t imagine being anywhere else. So there.

Go read this

Ferns gets me on a couple level with her newest entry. First, of course, there’s the poor little malesub all tied up and under her control. Second, she’s inflicting pain on his nipples. Pain + nipples = happy bunny. Third, it’s about piercing. I have an almost fetishistic fascination with nipple piercing.

It’s amazing what she can do with so few words. It may not be to everyone’s taste, but I find it beautiful.

Blogroll, please

I’ve decided to be a polite member of the blogosphere and add a blogroll to my little corner of teh interwebs. You’ll see it over there on the right left (changed templates!). These are the blogs I love and visit frequently. Inaugural members are:

  • The Edge of Vanilla – Tom Allen’s chastity and OD site is a must for those of us not looking to be dressed up in skimpy French maid outfits and made to clean the toilet with our toothbrushes. It’s the kink site for the rest of us. Also, Tom seems to be a nice guy, so that’s a plus.
  • Maybe Maimed but Never HarmedBDSM blog by Meitar Moscovitz (AKA, maymay). His thoughtful, intelligent writing about things I had previously only vaguely fantasized about made me realize BDSM was about more than sex. There’s philosophy there, too. Maymay also produces (produced?) a podcast called Kink on Tap. His sixth episode on Teasing and Denial was revelatory.
  • A Place to Draw Blood Laughing – Blog of Eileen, maymay’s partner and domme. She’s cohost of the Kink on Tap podcast. I find her writing to be beautiful and evocative.
  • Domme Chronicles – Super-hot fiction, including an entire entry on biting (my favorite).
  • Beyond the Hills – To be honest, I don’t know a thing about this author, except that her post on aggressive submission spoke to me like nothing else has in the six weeks or so I’ve been investigating the kinky universe.