Tag: male chastity

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Houdini style

Some of you may be paying sufficient attention (or have sufficient interest) to recognize that my Belle has a bit of a pattern: I usually get extended free time over holidays. One might think this is because she’s feeling generously moved by the holiday spirit or something but I think it’s mostly because she’s more relaxed at those times and wants easier access to the device’s contents. In either event, the recent long holiday weekend here in the US was one of those opportunities for freedom. Except this time, we drove several hours to the familiar retreat in the woods only to find the means to my escape was left at home. And, really, it was all my fault.

Let’s back that up. A week or so before the holiday, Belle had let me out so she could fuck me. Weekend releases used to be multi-day affairs, but now she’s more inclined to let me out the morning of and put my back in that same day. On this particular day, she told me she wanted to “change my outfit” (meaning a different device sprinkled in). I had been in the Steelheart for months (with only these day or two releases) and she wanted a different look. In the past, even if I knew her intentions to lock me up by a certain day, I’d wait for a direct order to do so or for her to bring me the device she wanted me in. But this time, I took the initiative to follow the spirit of what she told me. I went to the pouch in which she keeps her three steel devices and selected the Jail Bird. She hadn’t told me which one she wanted but I picked it anyway.

The Jail Bird, you’ll remember, is secured with a screw, not a lock. Instead of a key, it has a special bit that fits the security screw’s odd head. You can’t screw it in or unscrew it with any off-the-shelf screwdriver. I found the JB in her device pouch along with both the little bits and put it on and placed the bits back in the pouch so nothing would get lost. Then, later in the day, when Belle grabbed my crotch and started to tell me it was time to go in, she was happily surprised that I had already taken care of it. She was even going to pick the Jail Bird, so all was copesetic.

But.

I didn’t follow the typical ritual. That is, she brings me the device and key (or key-like thing) and I go and put it on and bring her back the key-like thing when it’s over. This time, I left the key-like thing in the pouch. Mistake. My fault.

While we were getting ready for the long weekend, it occurred to me a few times to ask her if she wanted me out while we were gone and, if so, to remember to get the key-like thing, but this time, I didn’t want to appear presumptuous. I try not to expect release and don’t ask for it and am totally satisfied being out of the decision-making loop. And I figured she knew what I was in and what it would take to get me out. So, when the moment came when Belle wanted to use the contents, she plopped the Steelheart key next to me on the bed. And the situation we were in became instantly clear. She had forgotten how the Jail Bird was different in the only way that mattered at that moment.

Of course, we had sex anyway, but the penis didn’t get wet (except at the tip and all down my balls where it leaked like a motherfucker). She really wanted it and I felt bad that my screw-up was denying her, the person who’s not supposed to be denied anything. At some point, I realized I could probably break out of it. Of course, it’s not a lock. Had it been, I’d have been screwed (well, you know, figuratively). But it was just a little screw with a weird head. I had a plan.

To be clear, I asked Belle for permission to try and break out. And that fact that I could even consider this is one of the things some folks don’t like about the Mature Metal security screw option. It’s not actually that secure (which is why some guys order their JBs with an extra hole in the post next to the screw where they can affix one of those little numbered plastic lock thingies to ensure accountability). All I had to do was go and find a pair of needle-nose pliers. I was able to grip the head of the screw sufficiently to turn it with the pliers and, just a few minutes later, handed Belle the screw. I was out and stayed that way for the rest of the weekend. It’s possible, had the screw been more tightly turned, that I wouldn’t have been able to escape. But it wasn’t, so there I was.

After that, the penis got good and wet. I was even able to hold my shit together sufficiently to allow to get off on it. Everyone was happy.

When it was time to go back into the Jail Bird back, I made sure to screw it on nice and tight.

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Random Jail Bird thoughts

Belle’s had me in the Jail Bird for the past couple of weeks for the first time in a long time. She’s made the Steelheart her main axe lately but seems to enjoy being able to poke and prod the penis through the JB’s bars and seeing it all bunched up and straining against its confinement.

In any event, having it on for a while has reacquainted me to some notable attributes of the device and a few other things worth mentioning…

  • The darn thing really is pretty comfortable. I continue to think the oval ring option is a great idea and one I think other device makers should offer. When we eventually get around to sending the Steelheart back for a new (slightly larger) A-ring, I’m going ask if they can make it oval.
  • The comfort of the device is evident in how much better I can sleep in it. It wakes me up during the early morning penile pressure check only about 30% of the time whereas the Steelheart (with it’s approximately 2 mm smaller ring) wakes me up more like 75% of the time (more often when I first get into it and less often the longer she keeps it on me). I assume this is due to the slightly larger ring circumference but also that it’s double-width and wider than any other A-ring I wear.
  • Darn thing feels really light. It’s about 20 grams (or about 10%) lighter than the Steelheart, but it feels like more.
  • So much easier to clean.
  • As I noted in my original review of it, there’s one annoying thing that’s just endemic to the design. The cage is made up of four bars: two that go along the top of the penis shaft, around the tip, and then back up the bottom and two more that make the same shape along the sides of the penis shaft. This makes a neat little square that’s more or less where the slit is at the end of the penis. All of this is fine and dandy, but I find that the end of the penis doesn’t stay lined up with that square. For whatever reason, it always shifts to the left a bit and the penis opening clomps onto the bar on that side of the square like a bear in the zoo trying to chew through its cage. Here’s an image of the clomping in action. Not a big deal normally. It only requires a moment of pinky prodding to get stuff aligned before taking a leak (otherwise, it’s radom spray pattern city). The problem comes in when the forgivingly supportive underwear I normally wear while in the Steelheart allows the JB and its occupant to move around somewhat freely in my pants. If the penis is anything other than totally flaccid, that bit of penismeat that’s left inside the square will be seemingly randomly get pinched against some combination of the underwear fabric, the seams of my jeans, and the steel of the device. That fucking hurts. Like, “FUCKWHATWASTHAT!?” kind of hurt. I find that I can’t just adjust the device to make the pinching stop. I need to shift the penis somehow. Not easily done in a casual way while in the presence of others. The way to keep this from happening as often, I’ve found, is to wear more restrictive (and concealing) underwear. It forces the device to stay situated more or less in a downward position, keeps the package from moving around as much, and the little meat flap doesn’t get pinched.
  • Finally (and this doesn’t have much to do with the device itself), my nuts are definitely getting bigger. I assume this is due to extended lack of orgasms. I can tell because of how differently it feels putting them through the various A-rings and cock rings we have. With the Steelheart, there is now always a definite moment of marked wincing as each pops though. However, if you look at the picture of me used in my review of the JB from last August compared to the image I linked to from today at the beginning of this post, they’re just fucking bigger. Maybe it’s not the testicles themselves that have grown. Perhaps it’s the epididymis or the vas deferens enlarging due to infrequent evacuation of their contents. Hard to know, but it’s a real thing and useful to know only in that it has an impact on how steel devices fit over time. I assume this is why the Steelheart’s A-ring (the oldest in Belle’s “fleet”) feels so much tighter than it used to.
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Mailbag

A reader asked:

Hi – thank you for all of the great info on your blog.  I started being locked in a CB6000s about 6 months ago, and your Tips & Tricks article help greatly during the acclimation period!!!

I am starting to look for a metal device, and I am also considering a PA.  I have been trying to find reliable info on getting a PA specifically with Chastity in mind, but I can not seem to find anything.  I did receive some information from a very respectful source stating that I should start with a 10ga needle with a 8 ga ring pulled through then let this heal for about 6 month to a year then go to a 6 ga to use with a device.  Does this seem reasonable to you?  Can you share with me your experience of how you moved forward with your PA and how you stretched it to where you are today?  It would be greatly appreciated!!

Wait, you’re not going to do this yourself, are you? Egad.

I went to a local establishment and originally received an 8 ga ring. I don’t know what size needle she used since she did it and was the professional and all. She said some places start you at 10 ga, but she felt that was too narrow for that kind of piercing. Eventually, I got it up to 4 ga. I didn’t go back for that. I bought the tools I needed to open and close larger gauge trapped ball rings and just kept pushing bigger ones in there after there seemed to be enough play in the hole. You can kinda tell that you’ve stretched out enough because when it’s tight your pee won’t come out the piercing.

I don’t think there’s anything chastity specific you need to think about with regard to the piercing process itself, but I’ve found anything much larger than a 6 ga ring to be too big to comfortably wear inside a device. You could get a device with a larger space inside to fit a higher gauged ring, but then you’re violating the “smaller is better” rule. Even though I wear 4 ga jewelry when unlocked, I go back to a 6 ga ring for security (at least, I’m pretty sure it’s 6 ga — as I sit here and think about it, I’m not sure exactly…it’s not bigger than 6 ga…might be 8 ga actually). It’s not usually difficult to get back into the 4 ga stuff after I get out, but if I’ve been locked up for an exceptionally long time, there’s sometimes a moment of difficulty

Six months seems way too long to wait, let alone a year. A year!? The tissue in your penis heals really quickly. It’s one of the great things about genitel piercings. Of course, every penis and person is a unique snowflake and all, so your mileage may vary, but I don’t think you’d need to wait longer than 12 weeks or so to try and move up. The piercer can give you some guidance there. You will want to move more quickly, but the worst thing you can do it put pulling pressure on the piercing too early. If you’re going to use something like the Steelheart and fixing Belle has on me, you should be OK. There’s little to no pulling. If you’re going to use something like a PA security cable outside your CB6K, watch out. That’s some painful shit, in my experience. Of course, if this is only ever going to be for chastity security and the jewelry will be worn inside the the tube, there’s no reason you need to go any bigger than 8 ga.

Good luck!

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Hacking

The other day, I was IMing with Dev (formerly of Devastating Yet Inconsequential) and the notion of chastity and orgasm control being a kind of life hack came up. According to the Wikipedia, a life hack is “any productivity trick, shortcut, skill, or novelty method to increase productivity and efficiency.” Seems to me that denial and chastity definitely do not increase the “productivity” of a very specific thing, but work with me here.

Cast your minds back to the beginning of our journey into the life of male orgasm control. We, Belle and I, had been through a hard time in our relationship resulting from the fact that we had pretty much stopped having sex. I went outside our marriage to find the kind of intimacy I wasn’t getting at home. I suppose it would be an easy thing to then draw a line and say I cheated, therefore I ended up in a chastity device and, as punishment, rarely get to have any orgasms. But that’s all wrong and kind of backwards.

Our problem wasn’t that I cheated (though, yeah, that was a problem all right), it was that we weren’t connected to one another sexually. I loved Belle. Never stopped loving her. Never wanted to leave her. I’ve never wanted to be anywhere but with her from the moment I realized I loved her. But we were not intimate with one another anymore, emotionally or physically. We were roommates running a live-in day care center. As I suggested yesterday, kink of any kind, when successfully executed, is the result of and the catalyst for emotional and physical intimacy. It’s only done well after a lot of communication and honesty with one another. The fact that we have kink in our relationship now is because we were open, communicated, and all that. The kink helps keep us that way, but kink is definitely the egg in this model, not the chicken.

The hack part, for me, is the denial aspect. Remember, my problem was that Belle and I had disconnected sexually. I relied on myself for pretty much all my sexual satisfaction and I resented it. She didn’t seem to care. I craved intimacy with another person, not just my hand or a sex toy. By slaving my orgasm to Belle (using the non-D/s definition of “slave” — a component controlled by another machine or component), we have essentially produced a situation where we cannot ever find ourselves in a disconnected place again. This isn’t about quantity of sex, mind you. We don’t have sex as often as I’d like. We have sex as often as she likes. But it forces the issue of emotional and physical intimacy. She controls when I come. She controls pretty much all my sexual activity. One of my primary sexual releases is her orgasm. We can’t move too far outside of one another’s orbits before the issue becomes evident and then it can only be corrected together, not by me slinking off to the bathroom after she falls asleep to jack off in the sink. I used to worry that we’d slip back to the old way. The disconnected way. In exchange for her controlling my orgasms and access to sex, I got security.

Sexually, we are one. That’s deeply intimate. It’s hard to get more intimate than that.

Another part of the hack is how it fucks with my hormones. I’m about to be 46 and, in the greater scheme, that’s not that old, but biologically, shit’s not as easy as it once was. Even if I wasn’t being denied orgasm, it would take me a lot longer to bounce back from one than it used to. When I was 17, I could fuck four or five times in a day and come each time. (I recall one day in particular when I did something like that and the last orgasm, which was maybe the sixth or so, was dry and hurt like a motherfucker…but I digress.) By not coming and leaving all those hormones in me, I feel as close to 17 as I’m likely to get again. Yes, the trade-off is huge. I rarely get to feel the awesome five to ten seconds of real, uninterrupted, unqualified orgasmic rush. But in exchange, I feel like a total raging sex god. Sometimes. At least when we get to fuck (and there’s been an awful lot of that this past week since the kids have been away).

I’m not saying we’ve discovered the key to marital bliss. We’ve discovered a key to marital bliss. And we’re hardly the first to use some flavor of male orgasm continence. I don’t know how what we do would work for a guy who didn’t want to be dominated or wasn’t all that into the bondage aspect of chastity or was just too wrapped up in his own masculine bullshit to even consider limiting how often he came. But it is a hack of the male sexual circuitry and it does work. At least for us.

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Mailbag

Reader sg4esubby reached out via the FetLife and had many nice things to say as well as a question for me:

My first question is how has the introduction of chastity affected your day to day relationship dynamic as well as its long term dynamic?

Gah! I mean…whew. That’s, like, the biggest question you could ask. My only response can be this entire blog has been an attempt to answer it. In short, the increased emotional and physical intimacy that the overlay of chastity and orgasm denial has allowed has made my relationship with Belle perhaps stronger than it’s ever been. We’ve been married coming up on sixteen years and I’ve never been more into her (and her into me, I think).

But notice what I said there. “The increased emotional and physical intimacy that the overlay of chastity and orgasm denial has allowed…” That’s the secret. A clear and honest exchange of what we want and how we feel has led directly to where we are today. Of course, I think there’s a lot of special elements that denial adds into the mix, but it’s that openness and communication that’s really made our relationship better.

He went on to ask…

The second question is actually more geared toward your wife should she have the time to offer a response. We’re both curious as to her experience adjusting to controlling your orgasms and discovering the changes that took place as a result of that new control. Be it a more submissive husband or a more pestering annoying husband or anything else that she experienced.

Again, super broad question. Unfortunately, Belle’s not kept a parallel blog along the way so all you have is my take on it. Belle’s not usually been eager to contribute here and I’m not sure where she’d even start on this. Maybe if you could break it down into more bite-sized bits.

An anonymous source inquired:

Dear Sir,
I’m sorry for using this way of contacting you in this matter but I have to admit I find myself unable to register onto chastityforums. I must have been trying for like twenty minutes but I’ve been unable to find the bunny’s name.

Can you offer any advice?

Nope. Assuming you’re trying to find out my real name. I don’t put that out there. This is mostly out of consideration for Belle.

I misunderstood. It’s apparently in reference to a security question I set up on the Chastity Forums a long time ago and forgot about. The answer, of course, is “Thumper.”

Jesse asked:

Hi, I have a question about effects of chastity.  There seems to be a lot of conflicting information on the topic online so I figured I would contact someone personally who has first-hand experience.  Have you noticed the size of erections diminishing or the ability to achieve an erection after being in chastity?

This is a total urban legend. I’ve been locked up maybe 70% of the time (or more) for the past several years. I’ve had thousands of erections compressed and constrained by various tubes and cages. The penis is the same size erect now as it’s ever been.

You don’t say if you want it to be true or not. Most of the people I’ve seen discuss this online actually do want it to be true (or are happily claiming it is). I get that. I really do. But, fortunately or unfortunately (depending on your thing), penises are what they are and seem very difficult to change in either direction.

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Mailbag

Reader Rich wrote…

Just under a year ago, I ran across male chastity and cages.  I was intrigued even though I am single.  So, I bought I birdlocked.  Like Goldilocks, it was nice but not quite right.  Then I went to a black holy trainer.  This is when my girlfriend got involved.  She lives 200 miles away and things will move slow as I am a single dad of an 11 year old.  Anyway, I have found the holy trainer to be less than durable.  It’s time for METAL!  So I thought I would ask what you recommend.  I started reading your archives from the very beginning and am now up to August 2011.  I know you love the steelheart.  And you just got the new and improved jailbird.  I am wondering what metal you think might is the best or your favorite.  Thanks much and thanks very much for your blog.  My girlfriend and I both enjoy it very much!

Good for you guys!

Our favorite’s still the Steelheart. This is mostly an aesthetic thing. For me, it’s the real me as opposed to any of the other devices or even being unlocked. When I’m not in the Steelheart, I feel like I’m just waiting to go back in. That said, Mature Metal makes a good device, too. I keep getting feedback that Steelworxx (Dietmar) is non-responsive to email (and, to be honest, he was never much of a conversationalist due to the language difference), so for a first timer who likes the more open styles of MM devices, I’d probably give them the edge at this point.

Good luck!

Pastrychef purloined…

Saw this and hope it never happens to you!

Ibiza firemen free tourist trapped in sex toy

Medics in Ibiza were forced to enlist the help of buzz saw-wielding fire-fighters on Wednesday to free a German tourist from the clutches of a steel sex toy.

Emergency services needed two hours to cut through the metal ring, described as a type of “armour plating”, into which the man had placed his penis and testicles.

The firemen on hand needed two changes of battery and a second rotating blade for their buzz saw to free the man, local daily Diario de Mallorca reported on Friday.

There were “plenty of sparks” during the operation to remove the sex toy which measured 15cm in diameter.

The two-hour procedure was described as “very complex” because the man became “more swollen” with time.

He was also said to have complained a lot.

To finish the operation it was necessary to administer a total anaesthetic.

The fire crew received their unusual call-out at 10pm on Wednesday after medics at Ibiza’s Can Misses hospital discovered they didn’t have the tools to do the job.

It is not known how the man, a 51-yr-old German, got to the hospital.

This is not the first time that Majorcan fire-fighters have been called upon to free people from sex toys but “never one as big as this”.

After an overnight stay in the Urology department of the hospital the man is reported to have felt fine.

He was discharged late on Thursday morning.

You know, it’s just a matter of time.

slave r sizzled…

I just wanted to drop you a line thanking you for your amazing blog. I have recently begun my own journey into chastity. I find your writing to be insightful, erotic, and pretty damn funny from time to time! I’ve experienced truly agonizing erections within my cb3k thanks to your writing. As I continue on my own journey into subbie-land I look forward to your blog as a source of great entertainment. Keep up the good work!

Thanks, appreciate the fawning praise! Always a good way to start the day. Glad you’re having a good time not getting it up.

Peter populated…

Read your article on chastity. Very good run down on the pleasures and foibles of wearing a CB-6000 24/7. I’ve worn the CB-2000 for years until it broke at the tip. You’ll probably recall the locking pin rotated very easily and occasionally allowed the lock to pinch the delicate skin. The CB-6000, which i’ve worn since last September 2012, has a locking pin that is oblong in thickness and does not twist –right?

Yep. It’s oval so won’t spin. Also, there’s the two pins on either side to help keep shit from twirling.

All that said the weakest part of that current security design is the ease of twisting that lock and breaking the pin, or cutting the pin with a pair of small dikes. It’s an easy out of chastity.  If I had a machine shop I’d make that pin out of metal. More specifically master lock makes bigger models for electric gates that have the locking pin locking directly into the lock itself.  This would change the CB-6000 from an “on you honor” type device into a truly inescapable device.  Somehow in my mind I know that at any given time I can get out of it, like my key holder leaving me the key “just in case” makes the device more pointless. Knowing I am truly and inescapably locked away gives me a more surrendered and helpless feeling.

Sure, you could really amp up that lock and pin, but it’s still holding a plastic device together. If destruction of the device (or any part of it) is enough of an “out” for you and takes some of the buzz out of the game, then I’d say you need to consider going full metal (and you don’t mention it, but without a piercing, you can always just pull out). However, as the story above illustrates, full metal with no back-up plan for getting out could put a strain on your local emergency response personnel.

I do get that the hotness of chastity increases with its inescapability, but I think you should spend some time contemplating the meaning of your sacrifice. Why do you submit to the device? Why do you want to be denied? The longer I do this, the more of a weird frantic zen-like satisfaction (if such a thing is possible) I get from the mental part of the game.

Bryce babbled…

I read your review on the Locker 02 and the tips on the CB6000 and have some question about sizing.  I have been wearing a CB6000s with 1 7/8 “A” ring and the second to smallest spacer for a 3/8 space between ring and tube.  I think this is the same spacer you indicated using with the CB6000 device.  Is your 65mm overall length measured from the penisring to the tip of the cage or from the back of the “A” ring? Also did you measure along the top centerline or on the side centerline?  I would not consider myself very well endowed – viewing your Locker 02 install video, I think you look bigger than me.  Measuring my CB6000s setup, I calculate a 85-90mm overall length (from back of “A” ring measured along the side centerline)- Any chance you have an image of the assembled CB6000s next to the Looker 02?

I measured from the base of the penis shaft to the tip along the top (and more than once to get an average). The length for the Steelworxx devices is measured from the A-ring to the tip of the tube/cage. I don’t have a CB6Ks so I can’t compare them. The S model didn’t come out until after or very near we started to transition to metal.

When in doubt, buy shorter. Good luck!

Petter (don’t call him Peter) purred…

I’m thinking about getting a Steelheart, and was wondering if you could offer some tips about size.

I’ve got a cb6000. Here, I wear the middle sized ring, the 45 mm one. If I lubricate the shaft of the penis, this ring seems a bit too loose. When I don’t lubricate, it fits perfectly. The next ring that’s smaller than the 45 mm ring fits just barely with lubrication, but is too uncomfortable in the long run.

I find the cb6000 tube itself is a perfect, snug fit diameter wise. With the second smallest spacer, it’s also the perfect length.

From this, do you have any advice about what size ring, and width and length of tube would suit me best?

I found that the conversion to steel required a 3-5 mm reduction in the size of the A-ring. I too wore the 45 mm ring and bought that in steel and it was way too big. Now the Steelheart has a 40 mm ring and it’s probably just a tad too small (mostly because my balls have gotten noticeably bigger over time and the right one in particular has a hard time popping through). The Looker 02 uses a 42 mm ring and is better. A millimeter or two makes a huge difference down there.

WRT to length, I’d measure from the back of the A-ring to the tip of the tube and consider shaving off a couple of millimeters from that. The CB6K has a pointed tip and a steel device will be rounded. If you rounded off the CB6K cage, it would probably be too long (assuming it’s the right length now). This is something else I did since, like you, I found the CB6K cage to be fine. In steel, it felt (and was) too long. Also, it’s worth noting that the CB6K cage isn’t circular like a metal device will be and varies in circumference (tighter lower down the shaft then wider at the end). You’ll want to find a happy medium of the two.

Great site, by the way. Still haven’t had time to look through half of it.

Thanks. Try to only read the good half!

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Torture

My Belle is getting very good at torturing me. Not in the tied up with rope and dripping hot wax kind of torture, the making me so horny my vision clouds and the device feels like it’s chewing the penis off kind of torture.

The other night started innocently enough. She wanted to sit on my face and come and I really wanted her to. Along the way, though, she got sidetracked by my usual nipple sucking and clit fingering. Her hand wandered over and mixed with mine so we were both flicking and caressing her pussy but then she told me to stop and go sit between her legs and watch.

Ungh. OK.

I had my face right in there. The room was dark, but there was enough light leaking in the window for me to make out her finger dipping and diving and rubbing. I could hear her wetness while I tried to absorb her feminine bouquet through my very pores. The penis was as hard as it could be. It felt even harder than it does during the morning wood sessions and that’s pretty fucking hard. I moaned, both in agony of what I was sensing (but not being allowed to participate in) and the hard metal bite of the German steel.

I moved closer and tried to nuzzle my nose against her soft, wet folds.

“Get back,” she said, softly but sharply.

Torture.

Again, like a doomed moth, I was drawn in and again I was put back. Pain or no pain, the months of denial and days since the last time I was allowed to enjoy her body were causing me to grind the device into the bed. It was killing me, but my head was full of buzzing and the only thing in the entire world was her pussy. I was losing my mind from it all. Then she pulled her finger out and let me suck it off before taking it away again.

“Please!”

“No.”

More fingering. More hips gyrating. More finger sucking. More abject suffering. I may have been moaning freely. Whining. My inner emotional narrative turned to physical sound. Her hips were picking up speed. I could sense her orgasm coming and I wasn’t going to be part of it. Then…

“Go ahead,” she said as she removed her hand.

I devoured her. I wrapped my arms around her hips and pulled her snatch into full contact with as much of my face as possible. The trapped penis meat screamed at being pressed against the bed, but I knew nothing but her pussy.

Then she told me it was time for the face-sitting. I leapt up, panting and probably a little wild-eyed. My hand shot instinctively to her wetness, not wanting for a moment it to go unattended  She was so wet. So slick with her own fluids and my spit. The penis ached for that feeling. Hot, wet and home. More moaning.

She liked how it felt. She wouldn’t let me stop. She came, clutching my wrist in her hand and pressing her legs together. I reached for her G-spot and could feel her muscles clamping down with each wave of orgasm. Then she was done. And I was dizzy with sensations of her proximity.

After a few moments, I slowly climbed on top of her.

“Please,” I croaked, “Please, can I fuck you?”

Pause. Hopefulness.

“No.”

Crushing disappointment. Then, a building of…of…what? Some kind of emotion. Not anger. Nothing directed at her. Just pure frustration. Hot and sweet desperation. I could feel my soul inflate with it.

“PLEASE,” I said, pushing. I knew I was. But I couldn’t stop myself. I could not keep myself from saying what I was thinking.

“NO,” firmly. Then, more gently, “Not yet.”

I clutched her. Held her firmly. I could feel my muscles knotting with the building tension I was feeling. Building…building…then, release. I was broken. The tension ebbed away with every heartbeat. My body relaxed, accepting my position. The sweat on my body turned chill.

Then I babbled. All kinds of declarations of love and commitment and gratitude. I was desperately, desperately frustrated. The penis throbbed in its prison. And I accepted it. All of it.

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My special day

Woke up yesterday thinking, “Hey, it’s Father’s Day! I’m a father! I’m an definitely getting laid today!” Wherein getting laid means some kind of naked play, perhaps leaning a bit more in my direction than usual, and not the mainstream definition of the term. But, who knows. Maybe she’d let me out.

In fact, she almost did the other night. Even though she was on her period, she let me finger her before bed and she got so worked up that she brought up the idea of fucking me. I told her I was up for it (or would be once the steel came off) but that I might fuck it up again so she told me to instead go down on her. Until she gives me another shot at it, I can’t know if I can get her off with the penis and not have an orgasm myself. Kind of a chicken and egg thing. But, if it was more about treating me on my special day, then it wouldn’t really matter. Would it. You’d think.

So anyway, we’re laying there on that bright and sunny Father’s Day morning and I’m raring to go. She even asked me something like “what are you thinking” and I said something like “I’d really like to be out of this thing so I could fuck you” and she did something like totally ignore that I said it. And I’m thinking, OK, I’m just as happy getting her off or doing something else. It’s been a while since she hurt me. Maybe something with the nipples or the nuts or Icy Hot or I don’t know. But, the next thing I knew, she was out of bed and I was left clutching the hard steel and my fat nut sack and whimpering quietly to myself.

And then we had a day. Jogged with her, had brunch at the in-law’s house, took the family to the zoo, looked at some monkeys, grilled some burgers. An all-American good time.

Going to bed, I was thinking, OK, now. Now something will surely happen. I had been thinking about it all day and knew, if she asked, what I had hoped would be my treat. She didn’t ask, but I told her I had it all figured out anyway, but she didn’t want the details. So I never got a chance to tell her what I thought would be awesome would be her using one of my belts to tie my hands to the headboard, clamp my nipples, take off the Steelheart tube, edge me mercilessly up to the point of ruined orgasm, feed me my own spunk, ice the penis, put the tube back on, then untie me. Never told her that. She didn’t ask.

So we’re in bed and she’s really tired and she went to sleep. Boom. So I watched the rest of the second season of Game of Thrones (yeah, I’m a little behind). And then I laid there. Awake. Just me, the penis, and the Steelheart.

And I’ll tell you, I honestly suffered. Not in the sexyfun way where I was pushing the suffering so that I could suffer more. In the way where the suffering was pulling me along whether I liked it or not because I had no choice but to wallow in it. I honestly wanted to jack off and I wanted to come. That happens more now that it’s not an option at all. And I felt it again last night. I remembered what it felt like and dreamed about how fucking intense it would be now, after five months, and how especially grand I could make it if I edged myself for about an hour first. I wanted to feel the penis pump gobs of goo from my body and onto my stomach and feel the pin pricks of chemical release run over my scalp and down my spine. Oh FUUUUCK I wanted out.

Took a long time to find sleep. But I did.

This morning, Belle asked me if I was feeling neglected. I didn’t say, but I put my head on her chest and inhaled her freshly showered and ready-for-the-day scent and moaned a little inside. She made no commitments. I didn’t ask her to.

A couple of years ago, last night could have sent me into a nasty tailspin. And I’m not saying I liked it or thought it was fun. But I understand how it’s supposed to work. I understand that’s how I’m supposed to feel from time to time. If I’m really denied and she’s really in charge, then I’m really not going to be happy every once in a while. There was a time when the lizard part of me would have risen up and slapped the rabbit down, bitched and stunk up the place, and made me crabby and nasty. And the lizard was trying last night. But he’s so far deeper down now. It takes a lot more than one night to give him the step up he needs to break the surface of the deep submissive pool he’s at the bottom of, wrapped in chains. In fact, the kind of seemingly capricious neglect by Belle is exactly what I’ve told her I want in our D/s relationship.

So I’m not upset. I may have felt neglected when she asked, but that didn’t convert to anything related to anger and I didn’t feel remotely perturbed at her. When she asked, I felt warm. Cared for. She knew. Acknowledged my feelings. That’s what I find I really crave as a submissive: Acknowledgement from my Dominent that I am sacrificing. Suffering. For her. And now, as I write about it, I feel that deep pool of submissiveness welling up and overflowing into my chest. A current of affection and love and pain and sexual frustration is resonating between my heart, brain, and struggling penis in its cage. This is what I asked for. This is what I wanted.

I never want Belle to feel sorry for me when I’m like this. I never want her to apologize. I never want her to feel guilty. All I want is for her to tell me she knows what I’m going through and that I’ll keep going through it until such time that she decides she needs it to end. For her to tell me that I’m utterly powerless in this. How my needs are utterly beneath hers. And then I can tell her back how utterly in love I am with her and thank her and let it all burn away at me from inside.

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Fetishist

Got the following text from Belle yesterday morning:

Put yourself in the Steelheart

And I did, using the lock and key from the recently removed Looker 02, and left the key in the standard place for her to retrieve later in the day. Not a moment too soon, really. I was getting kind of bitchy-whiny about being unlocked. No, not in that dreaded top from the bottom way. I just don’t react well to uncertainty. She had said after letting me out that I’d be back in on Sunday, but she didn’t do it. Then Monday came and went with no word at all. As if she forgot my state. So, by the time she left for work on Tuesday with still no word, I was feeling anxious in that way only an annoying sub can. Pulling the ring around the penis and balls and settling the shaft down inside the tube as the two halves of the lock fitted into place zinged a warm and comforting thrill through my chest. Nice that after more than four years, it still works for me.

I expected to have a hard time (ahem) with the nocturnal hydraulics, but I slept mostly through them. The L02 doesn’t wake me as often (the ring’s a little bigger) and it usually takes me a week or so in the Steelheart to get used to the early morning squeeze. I fell asleep on my stomach with the device pushing firmly up into my pelvis and a not inconsequential horny buzz going. Today in the shower, I was doing my tube cleaning routine and found even the sensation of the water rushing by head of the penis was enough to make my knees weak and tummy tingle.

Cleaner, goddamn you! CLEANER!!

Honestly, I don’t even like seeing the penis anymore. Not without something on or around it. When it’s freely flopping, I feel…less. Somehow. When I approach a urinal and whip it out, there’s a moment of disorientation where I forget it’s free. It’s like peeing with someone else’s dick. Getting out of bed Tuesday morning, I watched it flop over to one side lightly and wiggle around with my balls laying there like a deflated ballon and the whole thing looked altogether wrong as opposed to this morning when instead I watched and felt the steel shift and pull and keep the nuts orderly positioned side by side. As it should be. As I should be.

Harry asked (and answered) why chastity? I know he was speaking in the larger sense (and I don’t disagree with his answer, though in my usual way, I’d have said a lot more), but why do I need this thing on me? Why does the physicality of the steel mean so much? As it is with so many kinks, I just don’t know. How can we know where these things come from? I can tell you when I’m wearing it because she told me to, I feel better. Special. Looked-after. Maintained. Even sexier. I recall near the beginning of this blog’s life a commenter suggested I had a fetish for chastity devices. I took exception with that at the time, but I can’t really deny it anymore. I do have a fetish. I am a fetishist. Either I had it all along or my feelings of emotional and relationship well-being have been fused with the device between my legs and what it does in such a way that I feel incomplete without it.

I feel like I need Belle to keep pushing and shoving me into tighter and tighter spots. More restriction. More constriction. Less access. Less pleasurable sensation. What’s the limit? Where does it end? Are we, those who long to be controlled, all like this? Or do I have a reciprocally recursive feedback system that builds on itself in such a way that eventually all my feelings of submission and denial will be compressed into a diamond-hard lump?

Yeah, I don’t know. As long as she keeps me locked up along the way, I guess it’ll be OK.