Random updates

My blogging performance has been substandard of late, so here’s a few random nuggets of information to get my wheels turning again…

I got the replacement lock to the Steelheart yesterday. This time, I noticed that Dietmar rounded the sharp brass edges before he sent it. Not sure if this is a change he made based on my review (or comments like it) or if the first one I got was an anomaly, but I was pleased to see the change. I’m also pleased now to be wearing a lock with two keys! Belle changed it out last night.

During the week she let me out of the device, there was a morning where my sexual appetite combined with the free erection caused me to snuggle aggressively into Belle. She, wanting to sleep a bit more, kinda rolled over and placed her hand directly onto the hard cock. And then fell back to sleep. Her breathing was deep and regular while mine was more shallow and quick while, for a relatively long time (like, twenty minutes), her hand just sat there and the cock underneath would soften slightly then harden again, over and over. I’d flex it just a little to get more stimulation, but I was afraid if I did it too much her hand would have rolled off of she would have turned over or something. It was torture. But, you know, I’m not complaining.

Belle had told me she was going to lock me back up on a Sunday, but the Sunday rolled around and nothing happened. Then, she said it would be Monday, but similarly, Monday night saw no locking. It’s not that I was anxious to be locked back up (after about a week, I like the freedom), but her laissez-faire attitude left me feeling a little anxious. When she doesn’t act decisive in her control – when she appears to not take it seriously – it tends to make me feel more insecure and unhappy. I know this is more my issue than hers, but I can’t control how I feel. I shared with her this observation and she had me in the device the next morning.

She fucked me just once during my time out and it resulted in an unauthorized emission. I’m not calling it an orgasm because I fought it really hard and clamped down when it started and basically ruined the whole thing (based on the fact that it didn’t feel like an orgasm afterward). I made it right up to the end when she was coming and I thought I was home free. Letting my attention wander for just a split second let it happen.

In any event, I was yet again disappointed in myself for not being able to better control my autonomic functions. The night before, she had said she was going to make me wait a hundred days for my next orgasm and there I was 24 hours later having a barely-controlled squirt that was about as close to an orgasm as a guy can get without actually going over the falls. This led us, more than a week later, to talk about our differing feelings about these events. On the one hand, she just wants to fuck her cock. It’s what she wants and she doesn’t really care what happens as a result of her getting it. I understand that and respect it. On the other hand, I’m not supposed to come and when I do (or get as dangerously close as I did that night), she doesn’t seem to care. There’s next to no consequences and most of the time she doesn’t even say that much about it. Just like not seeming to care when I’m locked up, not seeming to care one way or the other if I come makes me feel like I take this more seriously than she does. This is a difficult place for my inner submissive rabbit to occupy.

I’m not sure we have a solution, but at least we’re talking about it. I feel just as bad suggesting she shouldn’t get her cock when she wants it. I don’t want to deny her anything, let alone the thing I gave her to do with what she wants. Maybe it’s a question of defining consequences so when I fail to control myself, I still feel dominated as opposed to sneaking in a freebee.

I guess the bottom like is I need to feel like she wants to dominate me at least as much as I want to me dominated. This hardly makes me unique. I’m not questioning that she enjoys our dynamic. In fact, she told me the other night she never wants to go back to the way things used to be. Either I need to be in a place where I more consistently accept the way she approaches her end of the deal or she needs to make a few tweaks around the edges (or maybe a little of both).

5 thoughts on “Random updates

  1. Tom (and others, including you) have spoken before about how the desire to be locked up may diminish after an ejaculation (we won’t call it an orgasm). It’s not clear in your post if Belle did in fact lock you back in the Steelheart immediately after sex. If so, why not see it as a punishment – being made to do something you may not want to do after a transgression.

  2. I’m so used to being locked up now (since she’s said several times she prefers me to be that way), that it’s just how things are. It’s too much a part of our normal life to be considered “punishment” (though it’s entirely true going in after orgasm is much harder).

    The events in the post aren’t in the order in which they occurred. She fucked me on a Saturday and locked me up the following Tuesday.

  3. The night before, she had said she was going to make me wait a hundred days for my next orgasm and there I was 24 hours later having a barely-controlled squirt that was about as close to an orgasm as a guy can get without actually going over the falls. This led us, more than a week later, to talk about our differing feelings about these events

    for real or just erotic talk? does that make a diffrence?

    On the other hand, I’m not supposed to come and when I do (or get as dangerously close as I did that night), she doesn’t seem to care. There’s next to no consequences

    does that take the erotic fun out of doing it? do you then question why am i all locked up anyway? do you question whether she is doing this for me or is it reallly all about what she wants?

    Maybe it’s a question of defining consequences so when I fail to control myself, I still feel dominated as opposed to sneaking in a freebee.

    questions of domming from the bottom and for whom you are doing what you do on both parts?

    she needs to make a few tweaks

    same question as about but where do you go?

    This hardly makes me unique

    You are preaching to the choir and i don’t know the answers to your questions. I agree it is hard to,where I more consistently accept the way she approaches her end of the deal, when you want, need, so much more. Good Luck and feel lucky your Belle is much further than many…believe me i know

    Sincerely

    gat1207

  4. As a further thought…

    I have difficulty in that Liz will not relinquish the idea that it is her “job” to keep the house, to do the laundry,etc, she does let me do the cooking but not really because it is my responsibility but because i get off work earlier and I have difficulty taking on those jobs in a shared capacity. That is not really right but because she will not let go something in me get frustrated.

    I put this comment here because in my mind it is much the same question how do you submit to someone who will not let you submit to them, even though they profess to enjoy having you at there service.

    Puzzled

    gat1207

  5. for real or just erotic talk? does that make a difference?

    Not sure what you mean. I took her seriously when she said 100 days. She wouldn’t say something like that unless she really meant it.

    does that take the erotic fun out of doing it? do you then question why am i all locked up anyway? do you question whether she is doing this for me or is it reallly all about what she wants?

    Yes, not really (it’s because she likes me that way), and yes.

    questions of domming from the bottom and for whom you are doing what you do on both parts?

    I don’t think discussing what does and doesn’t work for me is topping from the bottom. We have an actual relationship that needs to be maintained like any other.

    Good Luck and feel lucky your Belle is much further than many…believe me i know

    I understand how those without partners willing to dominate them will think I’m excessively whiny or don’t appreciate what I have in Belle. I *do* know what I have. However, just because I have so much more than others doesn’t mean what I have is perfect or shouldn’t be worked on. Like I said above, this is a real relationship and regardless of our dynamic, we both need to work on making it good for both of us.

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