Fog of war

Last night, Belle and I had a fight. A screaming, nasty, bitter fight. It wasn’t about sex or anything like that, but it was unresolved when she fell asleep and we woke up this morning on tender hooks around each other and even this evening (though perhaps less so).

After she was asleep, I popped the emergency key and took the device off. The scope and scale of the altercation made it simply impossible to keep it on. Right around 4:00 AM when I’m awoken by nearly six inches of hard cock trying to fit into less than three inches of steel tube and my nutsack is stretched tight around my testicles, heavy and swollen with unreleased ejaculate, the only thing that makes it all bearable is knowing that’s how she wants me. But, of course, last night I didn’t give a fuck how she wanted me to be so I took the damned thing off.

I was tempted to jack off. Very tempted. Perhaps I should have. On the one hand, it would have allowed me to think a little more clearly and be focused on the argument’s aftermath, but on the other I know I would have been wracked with guilt and remorse 2.33 seconds after the sticky white goo splashed all over the sink. So I didn’t. I did jack off in the morning, but not so much that I came.

In any event, I was out all day and all day I felt weird. Hand in my pocket, I’d reach over and feel this big squishy mass where my usually hard and smooth “cock” would be. My nuts were wandering all over the place and felt all goofy and absurdly random and the little soft penis (without any PA jewelry at all) was like a Mister Magoo worm nestled among them. That cock – my old cock that I gave to Belle – doesn’t seem like it belongs there any more. Certainly not now at roughly a week and and half since I last came (right about the time the desire and frustration come back from the dead). I realized sometime in the afternoon that I wanted back in the device. Not because she wanted me there, but because I wanted to be there.

Also, I found it hard to maintain my righteous indignation left over from the fight. Not that I didn’t have a valid position, but the more I thought about being back in the Steelheart and the more I thought about my last post and the kind of interesting new thoughts in my head the fact that all the naked people over on the Portfolio made an erection in my pants that – gasp! – people could actually see if I stood up…I just didn’t want us to be fighting any more. There was not a point where we made up or further conversation leading to a mutual understanding or any of that adult, reasonable stuff reasonable adults do when they fight. It was just me, the little rabbit, capitulating and wanting like hell to be back in my cage.

So, back I am. I put it on just before dinner. I doubt she even knew I was out. As I slipped the cold steel tube over Mister Magoo, I knew it was right. It felt right. And I wonder, had I jacked off last night when the thought struck me and had I squirted all over the sink and smelled the pungent odor of manhood again, would I have felt the same? Would I still be angry with her instead of whatever I am now? And would that be better or worse than what I am now?

Chastity and long-term denial aren’t just sex games. They can radically alter how you think and feel in unexpected ways. I can’t answer my questions from the last paragraph, but I do know that almost six inches of swollen penis meat packed into a less than three inch tube is really the only way I want to be. And when it wakes me up at 4:00 AM, maybe it’ll be bearable because I know that’s how it’s supposed to be.

7 thoughts on “Fog of war

  1. First, I hope you can resolve your differences with Belle. Second, I had a difficult time sleeping last night thinking about the same issue you discussed in this post. I am new to male chastity and just ordered my first device. I’m having a hard time (no put intended) resolving my emotional desire to lock myself and the logical evaluation of all the hassle, possible pain, maybe even embarrassment. I know that I’m submissive by nature, but this is a strange way to show it. At least with the internet, I know I’m not alone. Thanks for posting.

    1. I’m having a hard time resolving my emotional desire to lock myself and the logical evaluation of all the hassle, possible pain, maybe even embarrassment.

      I do, too. Even now, almost three years in. All I can say is, with time, the hassle turns into routine, the pain lessens, and I truly would not find embarrassment if the entire contents of this forum came to light (most people’s sex lives are dull and unfulfilling so what you think is embarrassing would likely be fascinating to them).

      Also, keep in mind that until your CB6K shows up, this is still just a hot fantasy for you. There’s always the chance that the reality won’t live up to your ideal. I know for myself that the moment I saw a chastity device and the purpose and intent of the thing hit me, I was transfixed by the entire concept. I can’t tell you why. But that’s just how it is!

  2. ok, so
    here are my questions;
    does the fact you decided it is where it belongs in spite of the fight mean you just want to be in chastity regardless of other relational stuff?
    As in,
    is it that you want to be in steel because it is simply where you want to be,
    or is it that you want your cock locked away for Belle despite the fact you are at odds,
    or is it something more… overarching, or underlying?
    Or are those answer you don’t have?

    1. I don’t think I can answer your questions perfectly. The truest line I wrote in this post was, “It was just me, the little rabbit, capitulating and wanting like hell to be back in my cage.” Like a dog that’s been kennel-trained, I craved the security and comfort and *normalcy* of being in the device. I hated feeling aggressive and angry at her. I wanted the dynamic back. I wanted to be her sub, not her feuding spouse. So much so, that it eventually overrode any hard feelings I had about the fight or even my need to be “right” (not that there ultimately could have been a right and wrong in what we were fighting about).

      I’m sure that had I come much of that feeling would have been lost and the conflict might still be smoldering between us, but I didn’t so my hormonally enhanced subspace overwhelmed everything else.

  3. When I fall off the wagon, its typically for the reasons you describe—feeling distant from my wife and/or tense about life issues. It is too easy of a way to reset my brain. That you can get through rough waters says a lot.

  4. Hope things are settling back down for you Thumper. It seems to be such a complex relationship between man and device. As you probably know, hub’s been out of his for weeks and the dynamic between us really shifted. It isn’t just him though. You both get very atuned and his loss of submissive feelings makes me pull away from enforcing by Dominance- so round it goes until one of us pulls it back. To be Domme without his compliance makes me feel vulnerable, overbearing, ridiculous so instinctively, if he were to remove his device after a fight, all our usual regulating mechanisms that make our two alpha personalities co-exist start to break down. He’s back in now and although we’ve lost ground (I’ve lost ground as much as he has, possibly more), it feels like the balance is restored and screaming fights are a distant concept.

    I guess what I’m saying is – don’t take your device off in a tantrum. You run the real risk of breaking a dynamic that took both of you years to build- and that would be shit, wouldn’t it….

    1. We’re fine now.

      I don’t think I took it off in a tantrum. I see D/s (and chastity as an element of that power exchange) as a layer in our relationship that requires several other more foundational relationship elements to be in good shape in order to work. It’s kinda like an indicator light on your car’s dashboard. If the lower levels of the relationship are good, it’s green. If not, it’s red. That night, it was flashing red. If anything, I put the thing back on in kind of a reverse tantrum. I wanted things to be back to normal badly and the device is a physical manifestation of “normal”. In essence, I tried to fix the car’s engine by making the dash light glow green.

      All that being said, I can totally understand now how not being able to wear it would be a stress on both of us. There’s a momentum that builds with wear and I can imagine how it would be hard to get it all back after a long non-voluntary break. I hope things are settling back for you two, too!

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