Reader Ayshorn asks…
I’ve been reading this today and it chimes like no other. I’m in the same situation as you, but a few years ago. Eight years married, two young kids, spark thoroughly gone. I’ve also got the same background, subby, kinky and have an almost universal craving for sexual contact, be that from a guy or a girl. I also had some times with guys when I was younger (and since)
I’ve never cheated on my wife with another woman, but there have been a lot of guys from piss nights in London to getting wax dripped down my cock in paris I’ve taken the opportunities to walk on the dark side wherever I could.
We’ve moved to a smaller city and I know that if I keep this behaviour up it’s going to come and bite me on the ass (and not in a fun way).
The thing is, I do love and desire my wife and feel that if I could get an outlet this way I wouldn’t be sucking cock in the bushes.
I’m subby/switchy and although wife is a bit of a boss domestically I suspect she wants to be submissive in bed. I’ve found her secret cache of erotic literature about it, so the spark is still there.
And I want to fix this.
Here’s my question. I don’t think she would go in for the chastity thing, as she’s pretty vanilla. But could self imposition (with the key ‘unavailable’ or difficult to get to) during the times when I’m away or at work?
Would get me back on the task of sorting out my sex life, rather than (Exactly as you put it) cumming down the bathroom sink and cruising squirt at lunchtimes.
Any tips from someone a few years further down the path than me?
First thing, communication. You need to talk to her about what you want and get her to disclose what she wants. The chastity/denial thing, by itself, doesn’t solve problems. It’s when it’s combined with old fashioned talking and opening up that you can really gain traction with it.
If I were to be at point zero today and knew I had this kink but also suspected Belle wouldn’t be into it or even that into trying it out, I’d probably start by leaving a device out of it. I’d tell her that I was only going to allow myself to orgasm when I was with her. No more jacking off in the sink. No more sneaking off. In my experience, that kind of sacrifice can be very significant to a woman. Romantic, even.
Assuming that went OK, I’d suggest that she let me not come after sex once just to see what it was like. You know, ease into it. Give her a taste of what orgasm control (rather than denial) had to offer and hope she’d eventually come around to taking the reigns. But she may never. Especially if she’s basically a sub at heart.
In which case, I don’t know what else to offer. You’re a switch, so perhaps you could take the opposite path as us. Maybe she’ll open up to you about that and you can explore her sexuality in a way that still lets you express this part of yours. If she’s like a lot of people, she may be ashamed of her kinks. You need to help her see that everyone has something hiding in their closet and there’s nothing at all wrong with that. Haul out a few of yours to help her get started on hers.
I’d love to know how things work out.
Another reader asked…
Hi Thumper, found your blog a few months ago and thoroughly enjoying exploring it. I’m considering my first actual device and came across the Chamber on a couple websites, but can’t find more than one or two reviews of it. Wondering if you’ve heard of it, have an opinion, etc.
Wow, that’s a new one on me. At first glance, it looks like it wouldn’t feel too secure. The cage looks big. Also, there are a lot of little nooks and crannies that might pinch or make hygiene a challenge. Also also, peeing while vertical seems like it would be nigh on impossible.
I dunno, though. Price is pretty good. Anyone else use The Chamber before?
Reader three asks…
May I please ask you about your Steelworxx PA fixing device?
I think the design looks GREAT and I think it would work for me as my jewellery never comes out…
May I please ask you what it feels like when you get hard?
It looks pretty tight and I’m wondering if you feel it rubbing against you?
Or if there is any ‘pinching’ between yo and the inside of your Steelheart as you swell…?
Would it be OK to please ask you for a thorough description of how the PA fixing works for you and the feelings you get when hard…?
With many thanks and the absolute kindest regards
It can pinch if the ring is too big. My piercing allows a 4ga ring but I wear an 8ga ring when locked in order to leave less metal in the tube. Besides being a lot more prone to pinching, the heavier 4ga ring makes noise in the tube whereas the 8ga rarely does. I can remove the 8ga ring with by fingers, but not when it’s attached to the fixing (and, on the off chance I could figure out how to get it off, there’s no way in hell I’d ever get it on again). The secret is leaving a bit of room in the tube for the extra hardware to have a place to go. This includes making the tube just a bit bigger around to accomodate the fixing itself.
How it works is easy to describe, but I’m sure you have read enough to know all that already. How it feels is trickier. And it’s changed over time. At first, being totally locked into a stainless steel trap with no way to escape short of physically cutting into or sawing the steel posts or ripping my own flesh was hot as fuck. I can even still get hard just thinking about being totally and 100% securely locked away. No chance whatsoever for escape. But I’ve also found that level of certainty isn’t as necessary as it once was. I’m totally invested in Belle’s control over the penis and my orgasm and even when wearing the Looker 02 (like now) or the Jail Bird (or the Trainer, for that matter) — all devices I can easily slip out of — I don’t even think about doing so. Security is a state of mind. All I need is a well-fitted device. One that doesn’t practically slip off all by itself (like the original Steelheart did). If I can feel like the device is holding on I can do the rest in my head.
Reader four asks…
I’m very interested in wearing a chastity device but I’ve been looking around and found it quite hard to find devices for us a bit more girthy fellows. I’m about 4,3cm in diameter or 1,7-1,8″. All the CB devices seem a bit too small for me and those are the ones that I find most appealing as well… I looked at the Bon 4 L but the “cage opening” is only 1,38″ so almost half an inch too small for me.
Ordering a custom made Queen’s Keep or Jail Bird isn’t exactly an option since I’m studying at the moment and don’t have the funds for anything really above the 100$ mark. Got any recommendations?
I feel for you. The sweet spot of all mass-produced chastity devices are definitely a one-size-fits-most kind of thing.
Your measurements are when hard, I assume. At that girth, I wouldn’t recommend any of the devices with split tubes (made from two separate parts). I bet you’d break a CB-X device in the first week. Also, I can’t even imagine what that would feel like. Maybe too much of a good thing. Silicone is an interesting option for you because it’s stretchy. You could use the stocking method to squeeze in and I expect the sensation of constriction wouldn’t be too terrible because the material would give. But, if it’s always constricting, you could end up getting edema. Not the end of the world, but not fun. I used to get that from the CB6K all the time.
You could try the Curve, but it’s a lot to carry around in your pants (and is “only” 1.5″ in diameter and might still split). Another cheaper option that would give you a taste of what chastity feels like would be a locking cage or even one of those “gates of hell” devices. Not long-term options, but cheap.
If I were you, I’d save my centavos and get a Steelheart. It’s about $200 at today’s exchange rate (protip: create an account on Steelworxx.de to see the non-VAT prices). I was going to also suggest the Jail Bird, but it’s a lot more expensive right now ($320!). You will be much happier with a well-fitted custom device than you will be if you end up blowing a hundred bucks a couple of times on stuff that doesn’t end up working for you.
7 thoughts on “Mailbag”
I always find these sorts of questions intriguing.
I have to admit, I’m a lot more comfortable with the nuts and bolts stuff than I am with the relationship advice.
Hi – v. much enjoy following your blog. I have a question about urethral inserts, as am v. turned on by idea of this kind of device. But what’s the risk of infection? Do you have to have any special kind of cleaning regime for this kind of device?
Cheers, Sub-O (at http://subodyssey.wordpress.com/)
I wrote about this very thing here:
Short story, I’ve worn the L02 for weeks at a time (as I am now) and have not done anything special to clean it except to soap it up during my daily shower and I’ve never had a UTI. Or any other issues to speak of. In fact, I once wore it camping for a whole week with only one (very cold) shower. No issues.
Thanks for the link. I take your point about the trade off between risk and living!
I understand where you’re coming from on the “I don’t want to get out” attitude, but I don’t think you can REALLY get there until you’ve gone through a more secure, inescapable situation. I’ve been doing this voluntarily for about 2 years now and I very much enjoy it, my wife enjoys it (though she doesn’t control things yet), but I really want to step it up a bit. I’m getting a PA piercing in the next month or so and then she gets to control the key full time. I can hardly wait to go through the real feeling of have no access whatsoever without her express permission. I don’t doubt that after living with that for some time period, that I’ll have even more self control than I do now.
Anyhow, just wanted to add my 2 cents.
Oh, for the record, I don’t know if you know, but this is me: