Sexual pillow face

I have mentioned in the past how terribly hot (HAWT, I TELL YOU) I find chastity and denial in an all-male dynamic. Maybe it’s because one part of the pair does not get exactly and specifically what the other does, is required to do exactly what he may crave is done to him, and submits to an act he may wish he could perform himself. Female sexuality, while something I’ve tried to make a special study of, remains a bit of a mysterious black box. I know what inputs will usually result in which outputs, but can’t tell you how the mechanics operate. Male sexuality, though, I get. All the way down. Even more than male-female chastity and denial play, male-male seems to be nearly perfectly a ying-yang type of dynamic. At least to me.

This is why Schnoff’s is my current favorite denial blog (let’s not get too hung up in semantics, but I think of “chastity” as including hardware, though you all and Schnoff are free, of course, to call it whatever you or he wants). I love that he writes about real life and the ups and downs and stuff in between including steamy sex and, I think, he and I are driven by many of the same internal motivations. Obviously, as I’ve said before, we are all special little snowflakes when it comes to our personal sexual profile, but I see a lot of me in him. Don’t make me break out a Venn diagram.

Recently, Schnoffy boy posted several things that’ve resonated with me. Just today he related his and Bear’s July 4th activities and, oh yes, I wish for you to read them because they were niiice. Near the end, there was this bit (emphasis added)…

After, Bear remarked that sometimes he couldn’t tell.

“Tell what?” I asked.

“You are so eager,” he explained. “I sometimes can’t tell where your excitement for your own stuff ends and your excitement for my stuff begins.”

It may need explaining that dog play was Bear’s idea, as a pivot from pony play, and I went along with both ideas eagerly after an initial “wait what now?” reaction of a day or two.

I don’t know any more that where my stuff ends and Bear’s begins is an easy distinction to make, and told him so. My eagerness is real. My desire to please Bear is my stuff, and so dog play becomes my stuff, because it’s his stuff.

Personally, the most rewarding thing my deeply submissive soul finds in essentially permanent denial of my orgasmic release is how it draws Belle’s wants and needs and sexual pleasure so hard against mine that they’re deeply and permanently imprinted there. Like when you sleep funny on the corner of a pillow and wake up with it impressed on your cheek or when you take off tube socks and still see their relief on your calves. When you pull her sexual desires off of mine, you’ll still see them there. Obviously, we’re two people with separate and distinct motivations, but I want very badly to make mine assume as much as possible what is hers so that they’re indistinguishable.

Schnoff related a sizzling frot session in his latest post that I was easily able to relate to even though I’ve never performed the act described. It’s a core tenet of my sexuality that I want very badly to be the vehicle to the sexual pleasure of others. I get my pleasure by giving it to them. That’s only accentuated as I get farther and farther away from my last orgasm (or further and further, if you prefer). Sometimes, the act includes my own direct pleasure, sometimes it’s reflected, but theirs is always my priority.

Or, at least, I want it to be. When I start to feel like I’m getting too selfish or focused on my own stimulation through contact with Belle, I start to feel…bad. Not a good word, that, but the best I can do. Guilty? Some combination. I don’t want it to be about me so when it is it all kind of curdles. There’s a line I can approach (sticking my ass up while sucking her nipples so that she can play with my dangling balls and stuffed device) but anything more overt starts to feel weird (when she ignores the obvious opportunity, that can be just as good for me).

I mention that because Belle’s got into the habit of letting me have some pussy time once a week like clockwork. I’ve found myself focusing on that and thinking on it too hard and becoming expectational of it. Like a dog that’s treated too often and get’s pushy when he’s not given a Scooby snack after he does his business. I haven’t become pushy, but I could feel the sense of entitlement building and didn’t like it.

I shared this with Belle along with the suggestion that she make me earn pussy time. Even if it means I’m not out for weeks or months or only out to give Blue a firm core and then right back in. I don’t want to feel like I’m getting sex for my own sake. Of course, saying that opens up a bit of submissive’s dilemma for me because often she wants to feel like she’s being fucked. So it may feel like it’s just for me, but it’s not. It’s also filling a need she has (literally). I don’t want her to deny herself this pleasure. Maybe she should specifically tell me when I get to fuck her why it’s happening. Either because I’ve been a good rabbit or because she just wants to feel the penis in her. I’m pretty sure I could remain in the right frame of mind if I knew she wanted to feel me inside her and end up approaching it not unlike Schnoff’s frot session.

God, I’m a complicated beast.

4 thoughts on “Sexual pillow face

  1. You are not complicated. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I love to give pleasure. Because I love to give it, I am receiving it by giving it. I am turned on by making others orgasm. If they orgasm, I really feel like I’m done. I feel like the pleasure session has been completed and I’m happy. The longer I go without an orgasm, the more focused I am on pleasuring my wife. No return orgasm expected. If I orgasm, it;s because she wanted me to for her own pleasure in one way or another. If she is sexually satisfied, then so am I.

  2. > God, I’m a complicated beast.

    Well, you’re not alone in that. I had that form of sub angst something bad, many many moons ago. The worry of “now is he doing that because I like it, or is he doing that because he wants it?” Communicating that worry did damage. Bear, already struggling with dominance and what that meant for him and “how on Earth do you approach this thing”, was kept from doing what he wanted because of my anxiety over whether he might just do it to please me.

    About two years ago, I started undoing that damage. I think I’ve been successful now, or at least I damn sure hope so. The way I undid it was that I said to Bear: “Whatever you want to do, I will take you at your word and trust that you want to do it, for whatever reason you have. Reasons you can, but need not, share.” That message took repeating, and more importantly, acting upon.

    How has my thinking changed? By acknowledging that if I want Bear in charge, I cannot second-guess him on the reasons for his decisions. So, maybe he teases me, and caresses me, because he knows touch is a need for me. And? He’s in charge. “I am doing this because I want to give you what you need” is a valid reason to do it. “I am doing this because it gives you pleasure, and I like giving you pleasure” is a valid reason to do it. My second-guessing it would essentially be saying “but that’s not domly enough a reason!”, and that’s just not on.

    All the growth to be done there was on my part. Being submissive can mean letting go of my head-cinema, of the fantasy of what submitting to someone, or being dominated by someone, looks like: And actually submitting to that person I share my life with. And not being so fixated on “being dominated, but the right way”, because that’s all about me, not about him.

    1. . . . letting go of my head-cinema . . .

      Love this description. Choosing not to focus on what it’s “supposed to look like” and instead, embracing what it IS, can be damn difficult to do. Kudos for chucking the cinematic version. 🙂

  3. > Like when you sleep funny on the corner of a pillow and wake up with it impressed on your cheek or when you take off tube socks and still see their relief on your calves. When you pull her sexual desires off of mine, you’ll still see them there.

    I adore that metaphor. I really dig the way you describe Belle’s desires imprinting on yours. I find myself in that description, very much so.

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