Libéré en étant enfermé
Attached, please find photographic evidence that, following a brief recuperative period, I have reestablished the secured state required by my Belle Fille prior to her leaving for the other side of the world.
Security was reestablished at approximately 7:00 PM CST, November 20, 2009.
That is all.
Mr. McGuire: I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Benjamin: Yes, sir.
Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?
Benjamin: Yes, I am.
Mr. McGuire: Plastics.
Benjamin: Just how do you mean that, sir?
The past few days, I’ve been having issues. Specifically, odd feelings from inside the tube of the chrome CB6K. Pinching, sensitivity, soreness, etc. Belle had left the key in the house, but hidden, so I couldn’t really see what the deal was (the tube being all metallically reflective and all), but I felt I had the situation in hand (so to speak).
Early this morning, I awoke to an intense itchiness. It was driving me up the fucking wall. Down on the right side of the shaft, just above the head, it itched like a motherfucker. I’ve had the occasional isolated itch before, but nothing like this. Had the Geneva Convention considered enforced male chastity, itchiness of this magnitude would have been banned by all civilized nations.
I sent an email to Belle who I figured might be getting ready for bed on her side of the planet saying, in short, I need that key. Every day so far that she’s been gone, she’s called at about 7:00 AM while the kids were getting ready for school, but not today. Of course, not today. And no response to my email. I proceeded to turn the house over looking for that key. Good news, I suppose, is she didn’t leave it in any of her previous hiding places. Regardless, after a short while, I lucked-out and found the key inside a thing in a drawer in the kitchen. As quickly as possible, I was in her bedroom, pulling the device from my body.
Besides the itchy patch, I can see at least three other spots where the skin has been irritated and rubbed raw. In addition, there’s another of those weird little penis pimple things forming on the glans. Basically, the inside of the chrome tube is just not finished very well. There’s apparent overspray from the painting process that, as I mentioned right after I got it, leaves the interior unacceptably rough for long-term wear. A day or three doesn’t seem to be an issue, but I’m going on a week and a half now and the damage has been done. Besides the roughness, it also continues to rub color onto my skin turning it black in spots (and, apparently, causing penis pimples).
Yeah, real fucking sexy.
Were I not damaged, I’d put the old clear tube back on and try to forget about the key. The Steelheart is winging its way back to the Fatherland for a smaller ring, so it’s no help. In any event, I’m in no condition to be packing plastic at the moment. Maybe in a few days, but not now. Funny thing is, I may as well still be locked up since, in its current state, playing with the damned thing would be too painful.
I’ve been trying to write something for a few days but each time the WordPress editor comes up, all blank and intimidating, I wither and slink off. I’m wandering around in a bit of a funk and I can’t say what it’s really about and if I can’t do that I certainly can’t write about it. I suppose I could do a chastity nerdery post and compare and contrast the CB6K and the Steelheart (and mention that I’m currently in the CB6K instead of the Steelheart because we’ve decided it needs to go back to Germany and get a smaller ring), but that wouldn’t feel right. I certainly will get around to writing all that, but to do so now would be like describing the ballpark when I really should be calling the game.
So yeah, malaise. I’ve been denied for 19 days today and locked up for just over two weeks. In the past, this’d mean something, but at the moment I’m not feeling it. I’m feeling something, I just don’t know what it is. Belle’s aware of it, of course, and we’ve bandied about the “taking a break” thing, but I don’t know what that would mean and don’t want to be any way other than I am now. I don’t want to come by myself. I don’t want to be unlocked. I don’t want my orgasm back. And that’s really the issue. I don’t want it, period. While I haven’t come in nearly three weeks or felt a free erection in over two, I’m kinda not missing them. And that bothers me. A lot.
It could be that we’re not being intimate right now. We’ve had a few moments. We shared her orgasm this weekend, but then I ruined it by letting myself get too carried away and not leaving her alone in the bask and glow stage. I felt very bad about that. Then the other night she slapped my balls around a little and I really liked that (so much so that it caused me to excrete a thick slug of precum afterward), but in between these events I’m not feeling what I used to feel. I’m not feeling horny, at least not a flavor of horny I’m familiar with. If she made a move toward sex, I’d do it happily and enthusiastically, but I’m not feeling compelled to push the issue. She doesn’t seem to want it, anyway.
It’s not just Belle. Porn, my old standby and the thing that’s in the past helped me get my motor running, hasn’t been very compelling. I used to be able to appreciate it even when locked up but now, while I might get a momentarily tight tube when looking at it, I don’t feel much interest in doing so and the residual affects are fleeting. I don’t recall there ever being a time in my life when I felt so apathetic towards arousal.
I wonder if this is the point I’ve been trying to get to. Have I lost my independent sexuality? Is it entirely about her now and, absent her motivation, do I not have a sex drive? And if so, am I OK with that? I really don’t know. I feel like there should be more. That I should be feeling more. I miss the subbie vibe and the drive to do things for her. Now, instead of feeling the need to demonstrate my submission, I just do it. There’s no charge around it. So, is this right? Is this where you get when the newness rubs off?
I don’t really know the answer to that. All know is I’m not horny, but I’m not not horny, either. I’m not happy, but I’m not unhappy. I don’t feel subbie, but I am acting that way (or trying to). I feel like I’m floating in a void, neither light nor dark, cold nor hot, no up and no down. I don’t want things to be different, but I don’t want them to be exactly like this, either.
In the comments to Security wankie (did anyone get that pun?), reader Wally shared some helpful experiences with the Steelheart, including this on security:
As for security may I suggest you go to a jeweler and have them make you a small chain with two closed loops on each end. These loops are small enough to go though the hole in the end of your tube, but large enough for one to go around your piecing jewelry and the other end go over one of the side alignment pins of your Steelheart. Basically the chain in installed on the end of your piercing ring and the chain goes down inside the tube out though the hole outside and up to the alignment pin. The chain will be long enough to allow your member to move up and down the tube freely but short enough not to allow pull out.
My issues with this idea are threefold. First, I need my device to be as quiet as possible. I imagine having a lovely chain coming out the end of the tube and running up the side would result in some noises. The noise, in and of itself, kinda turns me on as it’s an ever-present reminder of my chastity, but when you’ve got a couple of small kids in the house (or any size kids, I suppose), mysterious clanking is a problem. The other problem I have with Wally’s solution is that the chain, strung through the hole in the tube, would ruin my ability to pee vertically. The chain, I’m sure, would disrupt the stream and lead part of it off to the side. Having to sit to pee isn’t a deal-breaker since I’ve been doing it for months, but I really, really like using urinals. Finally, I’d be worried about the chain moving freely up and down the tube as the cock contracted and expanded. I am totally incapable of using any solution that pulls on my piercing.
Which is why I liked the Steelworxx PA fixing so much. Its design, inside the tube, allowed my piercing to move up and down the length of the fixing resulting in practically no pulling. However, that’s also the fatal flaw of its design since only one side of the fixing is fixed. The other has a little hook that, I assume, is supposed to keep the ring from sliding off. It doesn’t work. Even without trying to, my little buddy can escape the fixing shortly after being placed onto it.
So, to summarize, what I need is a way to secure the PA ring that doesn’t pull, doesn’t ruin vertical peeing, and doesn’t make noise but does make it difficult, if not impossible, to pull the dick out. I think I’ve got a solution.
What I’ve done is revisit the PA cable concept (the saga starts here), except this time, I’ve run the cable down the inside of the tube, not the outside. Then, I run the loops out and over the top of the device and secure them on the opposite side’s alignment pin (I’ll post a picture later to help make this clear). I run the loops on the outside since the aluminum ferrules I used to make them would be very uncomfortable sharing the tube with the tender secured meat. Hooking them to the opposite side’s pin helps keep the stiff cable from pulling out and getting out of position. The cable hugs the entire inside of the tube so the PA ring can slide around like the rings of a shower curtain. As long as it’s not immediately in front of the hole, it doesn’t get in the way of the stream. As long as it doesn’t come up and out the tube, it’s doesn’t pull on the ring. Since it’s coated in plastic and the ring is acrylic, it’s very quiet. So far, there’s been very little pinching or other discomfort (though I’ve only been wearing it for about 24 hours now).
Of course, it’s not perfect. I can slide most of the cock out of the tube, but it’s pretty uncomfortable to do so. Since it allows me to access the acrylic PA ring and since the ball is easily removed by hand, this is not total security, but it pushes off quite a bit farther any “accidental” slipping out of the tube. The only way I could get out now would be to disassemble part of the apparatus that secures me which is a hard limit in my mind. I could improve the security by using a stainless PA ring which, at 4 gauge, has a ball that cannot typically be inserted or removed by hand, but the metal would introduce clanking, so that’s a nonstarter. Also, I don’t think it’s necessary.
While I had the tube off yesterday, I took the opportunity to sand down the sharp edges of the brass locking mechanism. This proved to be a major improvement as the lock no longer cuts into me. Also, I’ve decided that the A-ring I ordered is too big. Even though it’s exactly the same size as the CB6K ring I was using before, due to its different design and material, it’s just too big. The whole device hangs too low when my balls descend. With the cable in place, this isn’t a huge problem, but it just doesn’t feel right since I’ve gotten used to the snug, closer fit of the CB6K. Dietmar says I’ll have to send the entire thing back to get a new ring since part of the lock is on the ring and part is on the tube. He’ll need both to make sure they fit properly. That sucks, but I get it. As soon as Belle decides I’m out for a while, I’m going to send it back and use the chrome CB6K in the interim.
So there you go. A thousand words about security on the heels of a post where I suggested security isn’t all that big of a deal. As I said, security = hotness. With the cable in place, the Steelheart is 3.6 times hotter than it was without. At least for me.
As I said yesterday, the new Steelheart is only a little less secure than my CB6K. However, it is less secure, a fact only compounded by the total failure of the PA fixing that came with it. This reality has led me to rethink a few things regarding the entire purpose of the device.
Some guys look down their noses (or boners, as the case may be) at those of us who remain chaste though the use of devices. They say the only true way to demonstrate commitment to their partner is to always have access to their dicks but to never use them for anything their partners haven’t authorized, let alone ejaculation. I truly do appreciate this point of view and admire men who are able to muster the self-control necessary to keep their hands off in the face of incredible frustration. But I guess that assumes they are, in fact, keeping their hands off.
Personally, I don’t need the device to keep from having an unauthorized orgasm. The last thing I want is to orgasm (though I desperately want to always feel like I want to – paradox!). What I crave is lots and lots of stimulation. I love playing with myself up to the moment of orgasm, cooling off for a few seconds, and then doing it again. I adore the feeling of a stiff one in my hand, heavy PA ring flopping to and fro. Even with it’s not hard, I find I can’t keep my hands off the cock. It’s like a magnet to me. So, based on all that, what the device represents is Belle’s desire to limit my ability to pleasure myself. She knows I will not come on purpose. But she also knows, from experience, that allowing me to play with the cock is a recipe for disaster.
So, the device isn’t about orgasm control. It’s a masturbation and self-pleasure control mechanism. When she puts me in it, she’s saying she wants me to focus on her and her needs. Jacking off in the shower, even if I don’t come, is distracting and indulgent. Stroking in bed after she’s fallen asleep does not leave me in the same frame of mind as when I’m just left to stew in my juices. Those guys who liken my device to a crutch are right, I guess. It’s a deterrent. A reminder of what she wants. And I need it.
My quest for the undefeatable device is more about nerdery and kink than anything else. I want to feel totally powerless against the device, but don’t actually need to be powerless. For me, it’s more like a “keep off the grass” sign or little wrought iron fence around a flowerbed. A reminder that there are rules and I’m expected to play by them.
In a comment to HNThumper X, Billus asked:
I’d be interested in how the ring size compares with whatever ring you were using on the CB6K. Did you simply measure the plastic ring, or disregard it completely and determine the steel ring size some other way? Same with the spacing. It seems like with all the trial and error involved with a plastic CB, you have to get the steel one absolutely right the first time.
When I ordered the Steelheart, I pretty much used the CB6K measurements I had settled into (shortest spacer, middle ring). For the circumference of the tube, I went with the measurement provided for the CB6K, though as anyone who owns one knows, it’s wider than it is tall. For tube length, I measured my CB6K configuration and subtracted 5mm since the CB6K’s tube is tapered and there’s a bit of wasted space toward the end that never gets filled.
What I’ve ended up with is a much more forgiving device than the CB6K, though it looks more severe. Even though the tube is shorter, the internal volume is greater due to the the Steelheart’s tube being closer to a true circle in shape versus the CB6K’s oval. In addition, since the Steelheart’s tube is blunt and rounded, I find erections fill it more efficiently. I have no way of knowing this for sure, but I’d guesstimate that only about 40-50% of my erection could fill the CB6K while it feels like closer to 60-70% fills the Steelheart. It’s an entirely different sensation. The CB6K was rather brutal in the way it arrested erections and ended up stuffing a lot of it back up into my body. With the Steelheart, I have the sensation of achieving something close to a full erection, though with a satisfying amount of restraint. Due to that and the more lifelike curve of the tube, I find myself stroking the Steelheart more like a real cock when I’m hard. All for nothing, of course, since I can’t feel anything. It’s significantly frustrating, though in a different way.
In retrospect, I might have been able to move to a smaller ring and tighter tube, but the jump from where I was to the next size down seemed pretty steep. I might order a smaller ring at some point (assuming I don’t need to send the whole thing back for that), but I’m pretty pleased with how it turned out.
Other random observations:
My previous comment about the PA fixing being “marvelous” was premature. It’s true that, when the PA ring is secured, I can’t feel a thing. It’s awesome. However, the damned ring doesn’t stay on the fixing. At some point I’ll post a picture, but As you can see in the picture, the fixing consists of thick stainless wire that runs down the left side of the tube and curves across the end before coming back up the right side a little. I think the issue is it doesn’t come far enough back up the right side since I know the PA ring is in place when I put it on, but it’s always slipped off when I check later. This is a significant disappointment. However…
Other than that, everything’s hunky dory. I feel like I could wear this thing indefinitely and Belle and I are both very happy with how it looks. I’ll post further developments as they unfold…
Unsurprisingly, today’s HNT is all about the new Steelheart. NSFW picture after the jump…
I’ve been wearing the new Steelworxx Steelheart for a little over eight hours now. Long enough to make some initial impressions:
I’m sure I’ll have lots more to say about it as time goes one. Tonight will be the first real test as the penile plumbing goes through a full cycle at about 4:30 AM. I will eventually get around to writing it all out, comparing it as much as possible to the CB6K since I have lots of experience wearing that and it’s so popular, along with many pictures. In the mean time, it’s…ah…well, kinda busy.
If you want to see a picture of it in situ, then you should be one of my Facebook friends of follow me on Twitter (links at the bottom of the page). I posted a sneak peek there. Otherwise, you’ll have to wait until Thursday.
Heard back from Deitmar. He did indeed ship the device on the 16th. I can only assume he used 214th class parcel post or something (the one where the mail carriers pass the box off as they happen upon one another while walking their routes). I’m told by Belle and Dev that Germany is a long way away and I should be more patient. Seems ironic that a guy who can skip coming for two months get’s all wadded up over how quickly his new orgasm denial mechanism will arrive. Anyway, the payment didn’t show up for Belle since PayPal, for some reason, sent the charge through to my PayPal credit card (which I’ve hardly ever used) and not our checking account as usual. They must have jinked with the default settings or something since that’s never happened before. So yeah, all is well on the Steelheart front. It’s just a waiting game now.
UPDATE: It has arrived. At least, at my local post office. I found a little registered mail notice in my mailbox when I got home. I’ll be picking it up in the morning! I may wet myself. OK, back to the post already in progress…
Belle locked me up again this morning. She told me last night as we were going to bed that I had been very good to her over the weekend. She was really relaxed and apparently quite pleased with my performance. Therefore, I was to be locked up first thing Monday morning. Not sure if that’s my reward or what, but I didn’t question her. I’m now wearing the chrome CB6K and thinking of its stainless brother bobbing aimlessly across the Atlantic in an empty peanut butter jar.
Something Steve said in one of his posts I linked to yesterday has me thinking:
If chastity were a commercial product I’d be one of those people on TV advertisements giving gushing unsolicited endorsements, where you can’t quite believe they didn’t get paid to say it.
Over on A Captivated Man (a well-written new chastity blog, BTW), I said in a comment:
I sometimes feel like I’m carrying around a secret only a few are allowed to know. I only wish I could tell my friends because the way orgasm denial has improved my relationship and overall sexual well-being is remarkable. It’s not unlike religion. I want to tell everyone to do it…
And it is a bit like religion, I suppose. One of those mind-expanding, life-altering practices that has such a huge and welcome impact on your existence that you just want to stand around in airports handing out pamphlets. In a way, I’m glad I don’t have any friends to which I can talk about this because I’m sure I’d be insufferable telling them how wonderful it is all the time. Yes, there are bumps and setbacks along the way, but when it’s working, it’s fucking spectacular.
There are few things men cherish more than their ability to experience sexual pleasure. Sure, women cherish that too, obviously, but men are conditioned by our culture to be especially tuned in with their own pleasure in a way women, unfortunately, aren’t. Perhaps not coincidentally, a man’s sexual organs are external and easily manipulated when aroused. Some guys, you can just see, are little more than extensions of their dicks. Most guys, I’d say, are, to a lesser degree, the same. I mean, men come a lot. More than you think. It’s easy and it’s fun and it sometimes seems as though the entire world is designed to celebrate that.
I’m speaking mostly from my own experience, of course, but there are few things I could offer Belle of higher value to me as a man than my ability to do that which defines my malehood. Not only that, but doing so has been a revelation to our relationship. My orgasm now has value. It has significance. Before, greater than 90% of them disappeared down a drain or clinging to a tissue in a trashcan, forgotten minutes after they came into being. Now, their bottled energy serves to power a whole new relationship dynamic that’s far richer and more fulfilling for us both. What I’ve sacrificed in quantity I’ve more than made up for in vastly higher quality. Orgasms now, to me, are no longer the objective, they are the path to the mountaintop. The act of making love no longer leads to them, it is made more profound by their absence.
This way of thinking flies in the face of everything we’ve been conditioned to think as men. Even when married, it’s clear that the male’s orgasm is meant first and always to be his, to do with what he likes. In my opinion, that way of thinking only serves to drive a couple apart. It may not create a divide in their relationship, but it certainly can aggravate it. Irrespective of a couple’s interest in overlaying D/s or any other BDSM component, allowing her to control his release ensures and enhances intimacy between them (when done right, of course). It maintains all the positive aspects of the very beginning of a relationship. At least, that’s what it does for us…
I’m not so far gone as to think what works for Belle and I would work for everyone. But I wish more people thought about orgasm control as a viable alternative to the dominant paradigm of heteronormal interaction. I’m not quite to the point where I’m likely to stand in an airport and recruit converts, but I am feeling more and more that there needs to be examples of this alternate existence openly and unashamedly out there. I have no idea how and in what form this would take were I so inclined to attempt it myself, but this works. It’s right. For us, it’s better than the “normal”.
People need to know.
The other night at dinner, I offhandedly asked Belle if I could get a steel device. Even though the chrome CB6K was supposed to be the (relatively) inexpensive way to scratch my stainless steel itch, I’ve still been hankering for a real metallic solution. To my surprise, she told me to tell her how much one would be and she’d think about it.
This morning, I priced out a Steelworxx Steelheart device from Germany. I spec’d it with a 45 mm A-ring and a tube 35 mm in diameter with a 105 mm total length. This is comparable to the combination of spacer and ring I’m currently sporting, though the tube is a bit shorter to account for some space in the end of the CB6K that never get’s filled. I added an integrated lock to help reduce overall bulk and clankiness, a PA fixing, and a smooth, more rounded edge to the tube in order to make it more comfortable. All in, this ended up being €281.71 (plus €17 for international shipping). In real money, that turns into $424.91. Quite the investment, but if I’m wearing it 75% of the time (as I have been lately), it’ll average out over time.
I told Belle the damage and she told me to buy it. Just like that! Minutes later, I had completed the transaction and ordered my new steel chastity device. Within half an hour, I had received a personal confirmation from the proprietor of Steelworxx, Dietmar Posledni. Since the Steelheart has a round hole in the end of the tube, I requested a slot more like the one found in the CB6K so my PA ring can (occasionally) find a place to go when the meat’s filling the tube and Dietmar needed to know the measurements of what I wanted. This kind of prompt, personal service was something I had read as others had related their stories about Steelworxx devices. It certainly helps one feel as thought they’re getting their money’s worth.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to tolerate the PA security device, but I figured it was worth a shot. The “fixing”, as it’s called on the Steelworxx site, consists of a thin metal rod that it secured through the two pins on the tube which, in turn, lock into place on the A-ring. The rod appears to go down the left side of the tube before dropping down at the end and up the right side a bit. The PA ring goes over the rod and is fixed in place toward the end of the tube. To me, it looks like it’ll hold the ring higher up the tube than the PA cable does on my CB6K. Hopefully, that’ll result in a tolerable fit.
So anyway, that’s the story. I need to measure the slot in the CB6K’s tube and figure out if I want Dietmar to modify the standard design. I may decide to just leave it as is since I really, really like the look of the near-fully enclosed tube.