Proselytizing

Heard back from Deitmar. He did indeed ship the device on the 16th. I can only assume he used 214th class parcel post or something (the one where the mail carriers pass the box off as they happen upon one another while walking their routes). I’m told by Belle and Dev that Germany is a long way away and I should be more patient. Seems ironic that a guy who can skip coming for two months get’s all wadded up over how quickly his new orgasm denial mechanism will arrive. Anyway, the payment didn’t show up for Belle since PayPal, for some reason, sent the charge through to my PayPal credit card (which I’ve hardly ever used) and not our checking account as usual. They must have jinked with the default settings or something since that’s never happened before. So yeah, all is well on the Steelheart front. It’s just a waiting game now.

UPDATE: It has arrived. At least, at my local post office. I found a little registered mail notice in my mailbox when I got home. I’ll be picking it up in the morning! I may wet myself. OK, back to the post already in progress…

Belle locked me up again this morning. She told me last night as we were going to bed that I had been very good to her over the weekend. She was really relaxed and apparently quite pleased with my performance. Therefore, I was to be locked up first thing Monday morning. Not sure if that’s my reward or what, but I didn’t question her. I’m now wearing the chrome CB6K and thinking of its stainless brother bobbing aimlessly across the Atlantic in an empty peanut butter jar.

Something Steve said in one of his posts I linked to yesterday has me thinking:

If chastity were a commercial product I’d be one of those people on TV advertisements giving gushing unsolicited endorsements, where you can’t quite believe they didn’t get paid to say it.

Over on A Captivated Man (a well-written new chastity blog, BTW), I said in a comment:

I sometimes feel like I’m carrying around a secret only a few are allowed to know. I only wish I could tell my friends because the way orgasm denial has improved my relationship and overall sexual well-being is remarkable. It’s not unlike religion. I want to tell everyone to do it…

And it is a bit like religion, I suppose. One of those mind-expanding, life-altering practices that has such a huge and welcome impact on your existence that you just want to stand around in airports handing out pamphlets. In a way, I’m glad I don’t have any friends to which I can talk about this because I’m sure I’d be insufferable telling them how wonderful it is all the time. Yes, there are bumps and setbacks along the way, but when it’s working, it’s fucking spectacular.

There are few things men cherish more than their ability to experience sexual pleasure. Sure, women cherish that too, obviously, but men are conditioned by our culture to be especially tuned in with their own pleasure in a way women, unfortunately, aren’t. Perhaps not coincidentally, a man’s sexual organs are external and easily manipulated when aroused. Some guys, you can just see, are little more than extensions of their dicks. Most guys, I’d say, are, to a lesser degree, the same. I mean, men come a lot. More than you think. It’s easy and it’s fun and it sometimes seems as though the entire world is designed to celebrate that.

I’m speaking mostly from my own experience, of course, but there are few things I could offer Belle of higher value to me as a man than my ability to do that which defines my malehood. Not only that, but doing so has been a revelation to our relationship. My orgasm now has value. It has significance. Before, greater than 90% of them disappeared down a drain or clinging to a tissue in a trashcan, forgotten minutes after they came into being. Now, their bottled energy serves to power a whole new relationship dynamic that’s far richer and more fulfilling for us both. What I’ve sacrificed in quantity I’ve more than made up for in vastly higher quality. Orgasms now, to me, are no longer the objective, they are the path to the mountaintop. The act of making love no longer leads to them, it is made more profound by their absence.

This way of thinking flies in the face of everything we’ve been conditioned to think as men. Even when married, it’s clear that the male’s orgasm is meant first and always to be his, to do with what he likes. In my opinion, that way of thinking only serves to drive a couple apart. It may not create a divide in their relationship, but it certainly can aggravate it. Irrespective of a couple’s interest in overlaying D/s or any other BDSM component, allowing her to control his release ensures and enhances intimacy between them (when done right, of course). It maintains all the positive aspects of the very beginning of a relationship. At least, that’s what it does for us…

I’m not so far gone as to think what works for Belle and I would work for everyone. But I wish more people thought about orgasm control as a viable alternative to the dominant paradigm of heteronormal interaction. I’m not quite to the point where I’m likely to stand in an airport and recruit converts, but I am feeling more and more that there needs to be examples of this alternate existence openly and unashamedly out there. I have no idea how and in what form this would take were I so inclined to attempt it myself, but this works. It’s right. For us, it’s better than the “normal”.

People need to know.

9 thoughts on “Proselytizing

  1. We sure do have an extremely limited view of what ought to work in sexual dynamics in this country. I’m sure there have been many theses written on the sociological origins of same, but at the moment it looks like there is getting to be some awareness, if not acceptance, of different ways of doing things.

    Thank the internets, and the fact that people like yourself are willing to expose the good and bad of your chosen path. Where once you would have labored alone and in silence, now you can see all of the others like you, and anyone can come and see what you have to say.

    There’s a long slow conversation going on about the definitions of manhood and marriage and femininity and so on. It seems to have started with Kinsey and his ilk, fueled feminism onto the streets and opened the door to homosexual activism, now the LGBT….movement (not to mention the Alice’s Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement, which will be coming around again on the guitar here…) which is also shifting the boundaries of what is “psychologically healthy” in sexual relationships.

    So keep on posting!

  2. Hmmm,very intriguig. Although what it means for us queers is hard to figure. The Dominant gets all the orgasms he wants, and the sub gets as many as the Dom wants to give him, so the sub gets to the mountaintop and Nirvana, and the Dominant…doesn’t, because he doesn’t need spiritual transformation? Certainly not true for this Dom, I am every bit as fallible as anyone else.

    Anyway, am enjoying your blog and glad to hear that chastity is working out for you. I am looking forward to holding my first key.

  3. One of those mind-expanding, life-altering practices that has such a huge and welcome impact on your existence that you just want to stand around in airports handing out pamphlets.

    Oddly, I have nothing to add to this.
    🙂

  4. Hmm, back at you, JD. Not that I’ve thought my new little religion out all that well, but I’d guess that as a top you get a different mountain top to play on. Not having ever dominated anyone, I can only imagine, but I’m sure there’s an analog.

    Coming a lot at the hand (so to speak) of your sub would, I’m sure, be just as powerful as hardly ever coming at the direction of a loving dom.

    I don’t know. Good point. Worth thinking about. Also very please to have at least one queer reader! Know any good gay sub blogs? I don’t think I’ve ever seen one…

  5. I agree with JD, in the sense that it seems to me that what you’re talking about here depends on sub(!)verting a model of “normal” heterosexuality.

    If what “normally” made men manly in heterosexual culture was for them to abstain from orgasm a great deal, I’d think there’d probably be a sexual subculture where it was super-hot to make your sub orgasm all the time, and then those people would be proselytizing about it.

    Oh wait, there is a sexual subculture where it’s hot to make your sub come all the time. Male domination of female submissives . . . forced orgasms. Duh. (I really need not to comment at 2am.)

    So two points: 1) I’m still trying to figure out for myself how much of my kink, and kink in general, depends on being “different” than mainstream sex, violating taboos, etc. and 2) I do get what you’re saying about sex being more than orgasm. There’s a lot that’s meaningful in that, especially, as I understand it, for a male-type orgasm.

    You might in this context be interested in Barbara Carellas’ Urban Tantra. At the very least, it shows lots of yummy breathing and massage techniques that you might get to use on Belle. 🙂

  6. Perhaps what is needed is a symbol or badge sported by like-minded individuals. When questioned by the curious we could explain that we’re “acolytes of Thumperism” and point them to the web for further info.

    Good post Thumper.

  7. I agree with JD, in the sense that it seems to me that what you’re talking about here depends on sub(!)verting a model of “normal” heterosexuality.

    Yes, what I’m talking about is pretty specifically about male/female interaction. What I’m *not* saying is that I’ve discovered the One True Way™ to sexual and relationship happiness. I’ve “discovered” A True Way, though.

    I’m still trying to figure out for myself how much of my kink, and kink in general, depends on being “different” than mainstream sex, violating taboos, etc.

    Totally. I don’t think controlling orgasms is, in itself, kinky. Jeeze, if it is, then the bar is very low. Putting me in a chastity device is getting kinky. Clamping my nipples, hitting me with a flogger, punching me in the nuts, check, check, check. But just saying when I can and cannot come? Not so much.

    Tom’s called orgasm control a “gateway drug” to the larger world of kink, and I think he’s dead right. It’s an insidious little crack in the wall of normalcy that perhaps allows people to start seeing other not normal things as viable additions to their sexual repertoire.

    I do get what you’re saying about sex being more than orgasm. There’s a lot that’s meaningful in that, especially, as I understand it, for a male-type orgasm.

    Female orgasms are a mystery to me. I don’t understand where they come from, I don’t understand what they’re for, I don’t understand how they feel. (Maybe that’s why I love them so very much.) Women don’t seem to need to come as often as men do. There’s no underlying reproductive process behind them like in a guy (fluid builds up in the prostate, etc.). I know I’m overgeneralizing, but women seem to have an entirely different relationship with orgasm and I’m in no way qualified to say that male orgasm denial would work the same way for a woman. Like I said to JD, there are probably multiple mountain tops, one for people like me, one for guys like him, etc.

    Buy yeah, as a man, disengaging orgasm from sex has been profound.

    You might in this context be interested in Barbara Carellas’ Urban Tantra.

    Bought it! Will have it on Tuesday. Thanks!

  8. Thanks for all the recent link-ups. I’m getting a lot of reads off this and your last post.

    I can’t really add to this discussion because my brain has turned to mush and I just sit here reading and nodding.

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